SNL Transcripts: Corbin Bernsen: 04/14/90: Cable Shopping Network


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 15: Episode 17

89q: Corbin Bernsen / The Smithereens

Cable Shopping Network

Brent Musburger…..Kevin Nealon
Jimmy the Greek…..Phil Hartman
Mavis Babcock (on phone)…..Jan Hooks

[ open on tight shot of product image, “King of the Hobos”, genuine Capodimonte statuette, retail value $279.95, on CSN ]

Brent Musburger V/O: You are looking LIIIVE.. at the “King of the Hobos!” this beautiful Capodimonte statuette retails at $279, but if you call in the next five minutes it could be yours for $42.95! That’s one heck of a bargain, and it’s comin’ your way on CSN!

[ dissolve to two-shot of Jimmy the Greek and Brent Musburger seated behind desk in the Cable Shopping Network studio ]

Announcer: It’s the Cable Shopping Network. With your host – Brent Musburger.

Brent Musburger: [ pulling his eyelids downward ] Hello, everybody, I’m Brent Musburger! And welcome, once again, to the Cable Shopping Network! Alright, we’ve got quite a line-up of merchandise to tell you about, but first – with me, as always, is Jimmy the Greek! Jimmy, what a week it’s been right here on C, uhhh — [ still wants to say “CBS” ] C-S-N!

Jimmy the Greek: [ smiling ] You said it, Brent! Talk about your surprises! We don’t sell a SINGLE beaded sweater, but the entire collection of STRING ART goes in two minutes!

Brent Musburger: Alright, Jimmy, let’s set the stage up for tonight. What have we got coming up, here on C-B — [ pauses ] S-N!

Jimmy the Greek: Well, Brent, in the next hour we’ve got one of my favorites — a set of collector’s plates commemorating “The King And I!” [ reveal plate featuring image of Deborah Kerr surrounded by children ]

Brent Musburger: Alright. Any particular plate in the series to watch out for?

Jimmy the Greek: Brent! Keep your eye on.. “Shall We Dance?”

Brent Musburger: Alright! That’s coming up later, on C-S — [ stumbles ] N. But, right now, let’s get back to that beautiful Capodimonte “King of the Hobos!” [ reveal statuette spinning in a circular motion ] Alright! No calls yet! Less than a minute! Eh, we’re runnin’ out of time! [ phone rings ] Alright! We’ve got a call! [ product image wipes to the upper left corner of the screen as Brent takes the call ]

Voice of Mavis Babcock: Hello, Brent?

Brent Musburger: Yeah!

Voice of Mavis Babcock: This is Mavis Babcock, from Shreveport, Louisiana —

Brent Musburger: ALRIIIIGHT!! Doin’ a little Home Shoppin’, Loozy-anna style!

Voice of Mavis Babcock: Well, Brent.. I’m just calling to say that you are a class act. And the way that CBS treated you was a disgrace.

Brent Musburger: Well, I appreciate that, Mavis. But I don’t want to dwell on the past. i’m no longer at CBS, I’m totally committed to C-S-N!

Voice of Mavis Babcock: Well.. you – you just did not deserve that kind of treatment.

Brent Musburger: Well, thank you, that’s very kind. [ a beat ] Now, Mavis – how about that Capodimonte “King of the Hobos”?

Voice of Mavis Babcock: Huh? Huh? Well.. I-I don’t know.

Brent Musburger: Uh, Mavis, hold on – I think Jimmy’s got something to say to you!

[ Jimmy picks up on the other line ]

Jimmy the Greek: Mavis, I gotta tell you – this is genuine Capodimonte! Now, some previous issues have decreased its value as much as three-hundred per cent!

Voice of Mavis Babcock: Well.. [ thinking ] I really only called just to — oh, how much is it?

Jimmy the Greek: Well, for the next twenty seconds, it’s only $42.95!

Brent Musburger: Come on, Mavis! We’re dyin’ out here, on.. C-S-N!

Voice of Mavis Babcock: [ considers the offer ] Well.. okay, Brent. Out of respect for you, I’ll buy it.

Brent Musburger: ALRIIIIGHT!! [ hangs up phone ] We’re gonna give you a couple of HONKS for that one! [ honks a toy horn ] CAJUN STYYYYLE! Alright! Let’s take a look at what we’ve got comin’ up in the next hour, on C-S-N! [ show product: Man’s “Gold Nugget” Pinky Ring ] A set of gold nugget pinky rings, with a setting of crushed faux diamonds and sea pearls!

Jimmy the Greek: Now, Brent, these rings are cut extra wide, and that’s great if you have pudgy fingers, like mine!

Brent Musburger: ALRIIIGHT!! And it’ll be comin’ your way, right here, right now, on C-B — C-S — C-S-N!

Jimmy the Greek: You know something, Brent? These are gonna be BIG with your black shoppers! and I’ll tell you what —

Brent Musburger: [ cautiously ] No, no! That’s alright, Jimmy —

Jimmy the Greek: No, no! Now, see — your BLACK shopper goes for your FLASHIER things! Now, if it’s SHINY or POINTY or has any FUR dripping off —

Brent Musburger: Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy —

[ cut to bouncy music over blue screen, SUPER: “Please Stand By” ] [ cut back to CSN, Brent now sitting along at the desk ]

Brent Musburger: ALRIIIIIGHT!! We’re gonna take a ltitle break right now, but, folks, don’t turn that channel, because we’re comin’ right back, right here, right now — [ pulls his eyelids downward again ] “Liiiive, from New York, it’s Saturday Niight!!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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