SNL Transcripts: Corbin Bernsen: 04/14/90: Cable Shopping Network

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 15: Episode 17

89q: Corbin Bernsen / The Smithereens

Cable Shopping Network

Brent Musburger…..Kevin Nealon
Jimmy the Greek…..Phil Hartman
Mavis Babcock (on phone)…..Jan Hooks

[ open on tight shot of product image, “King of the Hobos”, genuine Capodimonte statuette, retail value $279.95, on CSN ]

Brent Musburger V/O: You are looking LIIIVE.. at the “King of the Hobos!” this beautiful Capodimonte statuette retails at $279, but if you call in the next five minutes it could be yours for $42.95! That’s one heck of a bargain, and it’s comin’ your way on CSN!

[ dissolve to two-shot of Jimmy the Greek and Brent Musburger seated behind desk in the Cable Shopping Network studio ]

Announcer: It’s the Cable Shopping Network. With your host – Brent Musburger.

Brent Musburger: [ pulling his eyelids downward ] Hello, everybody, I’m Brent Musburger! And welcome, once again, to the Cable Shopping Network! Alright, we’ve got quite a line-up of merchandise to tell you about, but first – with me, as always, is Jimmy the Greek! Jimmy, what a week it’s been right here on C, uhhh — [ still wants to say “CBS” ] C-S-N!

Jimmy the Greek: [ smiling ] You said it, Brent! Talk about your surprises! We don’t sell a SINGLE beaded sweater, but the entire collection of STRING ART goes in two minutes!

Brent Musburger: Alright, Jimmy, let’s set the stage up for tonight. What have we got coming up, here on C-B — [ pauses ] S-N!

Jimmy the Greek: Well, Brent, in the next hour we’ve got one of my favorites — a set of collector’s plates commemorating “The King And I!” [ reveal plate featuring image of Deborah Kerr surrounded by children ]

Brent Musburger: Alright. Any particular plate in the series to watch out for?

Jimmy the Greek: Brent! Keep your eye on.. “Shall We Dance?”

Brent Musburger: Alright! That’s coming up later, on C-S — [ stumbles ] N. But, right now, let’s get back to that beautiful Capodimonte “King of the Hobos!” [ reveal statuette spinning in a circular motion ] Alright! No calls yet! Less than a minute! Eh, we’re runnin’ out of time! [ phone rings ] Alright! We’ve got a call! [ product image wipes to the upper left corner of the screen as Brent takes the call ]

Voice of Mavis Babcock: Hello, Brent?

Brent Musburger: Yeah!

Voice of Mavis Babcock: This is Mavis Babcock, from Shreveport, Louisiana —

Brent Musburger: ALRIIIIGHT!! Doin’ a little Home Shoppin’, Loozy-anna style!

Voice of Mavis Babcock: Well, Brent.. I’m just calling to say that you are a class act. And the way that CBS treated you was a disgrace.

Brent Musburger: Well, I appreciate that, Mavis. But I don’t want to dwell on the past. i’m no longer at CBS, I’m totally committed to C-S-N!

Voice of Mavis Babcock: Well.. you – you just did not deserve that kind of treatment.

Brent Musburger: Well, thank you, that’s very kind. [ a beat ] Now, Mavis – how about that Capodimonte “King of the Hobos”?

Voice of Mavis Babcock: Huh? Huh? Well.. I-I don’t know.

Brent Musburger: Uh, Mavis, hold on – I think Jimmy’s got something to say to you!

[ Jimmy picks up on the other line ]

Jimmy the Greek: Mavis, I gotta tell you – this is genuine Capodimonte! Now, some previous issues have decreased its value as much as three-hundred per cent!

Voice of Mavis Babcock: Well.. [ thinking ] I really only called just to — oh, how much is it?

Jimmy the Greek: Well, for the next twenty seconds, it’s only $42.95!

Brent Musburger: Come on, Mavis! We’re dyin’ out here, on.. C-S-N!

Voice of Mavis Babcock: [ considers the offer ] Well.. okay, Brent. Out of respect for you, I’ll buy it.

Brent Musburger: ALRIIIIGHT!! [ hangs up phone ] We’re gonna give you a couple of HONKS for that one! [ honks a toy horn ] CAJUN STYYYYLE! Alright! Let’s take a look at what we’ve got comin’ up in the next hour, on C-S-N! [ show product: Man’s “Gold Nugget” Pinky Ring ] A set of gold nugget pinky rings, with a setting of crushed faux diamonds and sea pearls!

Jimmy the Greek: Now, Brent, these rings are cut extra wide, and that’s great if you have pudgy fingers, like mine!

Brent Musburger: ALRIIIGHT!! And it’ll be comin’ your way, right here, right now, on C-B — C-S — C-S-N!

Jimmy the Greek: You know something, Brent? These are gonna be BIG with your black shoppers! and I’ll tell you what —

Brent Musburger: [ cautiously ] No, no! That’s alright, Jimmy —

Jimmy the Greek: No, no! Now, see — your BLACK shopper goes for your FLASHIER things! Now, if it’s SHINY or POINTY or has any FUR dripping off —

Brent Musburger: Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy —

[ cut to bouncy music over blue screen, SUPER: “Please Stand By” ] [ cut back to CSN, Brent now sitting along at the desk ]

Brent Musburger: ALRIIIIIGHT!! We’re gonna take a ltitle break right now, but, folks, don’t turn that channel, because we’re comin’ right back, right here, right now — [ pulls his eyelids downward again ] “Liiiive, from New York, it’s Saturday Niight!!”

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