Weekend Update with Dennis Miller
… Dennis Miller
… Victoria Jackson
Grumpy Old Man … Dana Carvey
Music Intro: Lou Reed’s “Dirty Boulevard”
Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, withanchorperson Dennis Miller!
Dennis Miller: Good evening and what can I tellya?
The attentive Shevardnadze came away from the viewingmuch better off than his boss, [Photo of Soviet leaderMikhail Gorbachev displaying the port wine stain birthmark on his forehead – it looks somewhat like he’sbeen spattered by a pigeon dropping] who wasn’t awareof the advent of the new weapon. …[applause]
At next month’s summit meeting between President Bushand President Gorbachev, officials for both sides arenot expecting any concrete agreement on long rangenuclear missiles. In an effort to remain upbeat,though, both sides have agreed that Sean Connery wasthe best James Bond.[Photo of smiling President Bush gesturing two “thumbsup”] President Bush was pronounced A-OK this week ashe exited a physical at Bethesda Naval Medical Center.Doctors said the President has a clean bill of healthexcept for a minor disease of the hand joints calledSiskel-itis. … There’s a cure for it and it’s calledEbert’s Formula but there’s a dangerous side effect –it makes you really, really fat.
According to the president’s upcoming itinerary, Bushhopes this year to visit Brazil, Argentina, Chile,Uruguay and Venezuela. The trip will take place sometime after the summer. For the record, Vice-PresidentQuayle has already made six trips to Latin Americabut, in an effort to save face with his friends, hekeeps telling them he’s going to L.A.
While delivering a speech in Houston on Wednesday,this fell out of Vice-President Quayle’s head. [Photoof an enormous metal tube]
And … [holding up a poster advertising “Earth Day”]these Earth Day things are all over town, litteringthe streets and makin’ a big mess. … You know, Eastand, uh– [applause]
East and West Germany got together Tuesday afternoonfor a quickie but it didn’t work and they once againagreed to see other countries.
And, in Israel, Shimon Peres, head of the Labor Party,failed to form a new government yesterday when everyIsraeli citizen formed their own separate politicalparty.
Dennis Miller: After a half century of servingthe poor, Mother Teresa announced her retirement thisweek. Here, with a commentary, is our own VictoriaJackson. Welcome, Vicki. [applause]
Victoria Jackson: Thank you, Dennis! Thank you!Thank you. [stiffly, as if reading a report in gradeschool] Last Wednesday was a sad day in Calcutta,India as Mother Teresa announced her retirement. Shewon the Nobel Peace Prize in 1979 and soon became afavorite on talk shows like Johnny Carson. Her wittyrepartee and smart attire set her apart from otherCatholic nuns. She’s the major influence of my life.Because of Mother Teresa I started tap dancing. Oneday, when I was little, I got sick and I had to go tothe hospital and Mother Teresa came and visited me andshe told me that she promised she would hit a home runfor me that night. As I was listening to the radioannouncement of the game, Mother Teresa hit twohome runs. She went three for four with five RBIs and,at the end of the game, she dug out home plate andgave it to the poor. … Wait. Maybe it was MickeyMantle but I had a really high fever. But my point isthat Mother Teresa and Mickey Mantle werealways there for the people, whether they were playingbaseball or – or giving food and stuff to poor people.Mickey Mantle deserved the Nobel Peace Prize in 1979but instead he gave it to Mother Teresa so he could goout drinking with Whitey Ford. … Because that’s whatkind of a guy Mickey Mantle was.
Dennis Miller: Thank you, Victoria Jackson.[applause, Dennis shakes Victoria’s hand] Very good.[turns to audience which is still applauding] And–Thank you.
Yesterday – yesterday was Friday the thirteenth. Sinceour Gregorian calendar began in 1582, there have beennine hundred and thirty-five “Friday the thirteenths.”Which is only fourteen less than the number ofFriday the 13th movie sequels.
And, in other film news, remember tomorrow is thepremiere of the new thriller Easter Egg Hunt forRed October. [Image of an Easter egg decorated asa submarine]
And, in Amsterdam, following last week’s tragicvandalism where a thirty-one year old man threwsulfuric acid at Rembrandt’s masterpiece The NightWatch, museum officials are no longer permittingsulfuric acid vendors on museum grounds. The sulfuricacid vendors are filing a class action suit againstthe museum, claiming, “It’s not sulfuric acid thatruins paintings, it’s people that ruinpaintings.”[Photo of real estate mogul Donald Trump posing nextto an oversized genie’s lamp] Donald Trump posed thisweek for publicity photos as he opened his Trump TajMahal hotel and casino in Atlantic City. On his lovelife front, it was reported that he’s no longer seeingMarla Maples. He is now dating someone named”Jeannie.”
And it was revealed this week that Ivana Trump plansto market a line of her own underwear for women. Aspokesman, asked if Mrs. Trump was qualified, said,”If she’s not, she will be — because she’s gonna beseeing a lot of briefs in the upcoming months.”[mild reaction from crowd] Well. That brought Updateto a screeching halt. [Sound effects of squealingtires and car crash. From beneath the Update desk, anairbag deploys and inflates to protect a startledDennis who is pushed back to the wall behind him.Laughter, cheers and applause. Dennis recovers,straightens his papers.] Gotta see somebody about thatbladder. [to the prop man under the desk] You wannaleave? Wanna leave? Go ‘head. [the prop man emergesfrom beneath the Update desk and exits – Dennis callsafter him:] Now, you blew that up all by yourself,didn’t ya? [pause, then quickly] You might want toleave a phone number. You know, uh …[applause]
You know, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles setbox office records again this week. The movie broughtin one point five million dollars in L.A., two pointthree million dollars in New York and an astonishingseventeen million dollars in the Galapagos Islands.
And Art Buchwald – Art Buchwald has sued the makers ofthe Turtles this week, saying the concept was stolenfrom an original screenplay he submitted years agoentitled Adolescent Hybrid SamuraiToads.
Dennis Miller: And now here with a commentaryis Grumpy Old Man! Welcome, Grumpy! [applause forGrumpy Old Man, an elderly, bespectacled, gray-hairedman in a sweater]
Grumpy Old Man: I’m oooooold! And I’m nothappy! And I don’t like things now compared to the waythey used to be. All this progress — phooey! In myday, we didn’t have these cash machines thatwould give you money when you needed it. Therewas only one bank in each state — it was open onlyone hour a year. And you’d get in line, seventeenmiles long, and the line became an angry mob of people– fornicators and thieves, mutant children and circusfreaks — and you waited for years and by the time yougot to the teller, you were senile and arthritic andyou couldn’t remember your own name. You were born,got in line, and ya died! And that’s the way it wasand we liked it!
Life was simpler then. There wasn’t all this concernabout hy-giene! It my days, we didn’t haveKleenex. When you turned seventeen, you weregiven the family handkerchief. … It hadn’t beenwashed in generations and it stood on its own …filled with diseases and swarmin’ with flies. … Ifyou tried to blow your nose, you’d get an infectionand your head would swell up and turn green andchildren would burst into tears at the sight o’ ya!And that’s the way it was and we liked it!
Life was a carnival! We entertained ourselves!We didn’t need moooovin’ pitchurrrres. In myday, there was only one show in town — it was called”Stare at the sun!” … That’s right! You’d sit in themiddle of an open field and stare up at the sun tillyour eyeballs burst into flames! And you thought, “Oh,no! Maybe I shouldn’t’ve stared directly into theburning sun with my eyes wide open.” But it was toolate! Your head was on fire and people wereroastin’ chickens over it. … And that’s the way itwas and we liked it!
Progress?! Flobble-de-flee! In my day, when wewere angry and frustrated, we just said,“Flobble-de-flee!” ’cause we were idiots and wedidn’t know what else to say! Just a bunch o’illiterate Cro-Magnons, blowin’ on crustyhandkerchiefs, waitin’ in lines for our head to burstinto flame and that’s the way it was and weliked it!
Dennis Miller: Grumpy Old Man! Thank you,Grumpy! [applause, Dennis tries to shake Grumpy OldMan’s hand but Grumpy Old Man is too ornery to shakeanybody’s hand, dadgummit]
Grumpy Old Man: Flobble-de-flee![exits]
Dennis Miller: Thank you, Grumpy!
You know, Life Magazine’s new Earth Day editioncelebrating our trees printed five million copies andused up thirty-five thousand trees.
And nuclear power plant workers were exposed to moreradiation last year than ever before. In a governmentstudy just released, the radiation dose they receivedwas roughly equivalent to fifty chest X-rays, sixhundred tanning salon visits, twelve thousand days inthe sun or one bottle of Perrier.[Photo of M & M chocolate candies] And M & M turnedfifty this week and reportedly they are going througha change of life, asking their buyers to now refer tothem as “W & W’s.”
And Zsa Zsa Gabor is bragging about heronce-upon-a-time dates with John Kennedy. According toGabor, “I went out with Mr. Kennedy, the President ofthe United States, and I was his favorite date but henever once asked me to sleep with him.” You know, myrespect for Jack Kennedy grows more and more everyday.
And, due to his wonderful performance in front of thePoindexter Iran-Contra trial jury last month, RonaldReagan who, when answering “I don’t recall” to onehundred and twenty-four out of one hundred and fiftyquestions asked, sometimes appeared to be lobotomized,recently won the lead in the sequel to One FlewOver the Cuckoo’s Nest. [Doctored photo of Reagandressed as McMurphy in the 1975 film version ofCuckoo’s Nest]
And this week marked the fifty-fourth anniversary ofthe abdication of Edward VIII who gave up the throneof England because he fell in love with, and wanted tomarry, Mrs. Simpson, a commoner from America. [Side byside photos of Edward VIII and cartoon character MargeSimpson of TV’s The Simpsons.]
Guess what, folks? That’s the news and I – am – out -of – here![Applause and more of Lou Reed’s “Dirty Boulevard”]