SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 04/21/90: The Diner

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  Season 15: Episode 18

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The Diner

Brenda…..Jan Hooks
Roy…..Kevin Nealon
Earl…..Phil Hartman
Dorothy…..Nora Dunn
Cowboy…..Alec Baldwin

[ open on a Southern diner – Brenda the waitress bringing orders to thecounter ]

Brenda: Who got the Chicken Leg Special?

Roy: [ eating from a plate in front of him that’s not his ] Me. I did.

Brenda: Roy, why didn’t you tell me I gave you the wrong order?

Roy: Because, Brenda.. I didn’t have the heart..

Brenda: [ laughs ] Earl? I’m afraid I gave Roy your breakfast!

Earl: [ eating from a plate of him that’s also not his ] Oh, that’s okay.. I’ll eat this one.

Brenda: Oh, but it’s real cold.

Earl: Well, gosh.. I don’t mind!

Brenda: [ laughs ] Honestly, boys! I don’t see how you put up with me!

Earl: Well.. we don’t know how you put up with us! [ Brenda laughs ] All we do is.. come in here and order stuff.

Brenda: You two are the sweetest things! [ pinches Earl’s cheek ] You are! [ walks across to the counter to fellow waitress Dorothy ] I ran into Bobby. He asked about you.

Dorothy: So?

Brenda: You working late tonight?

Dorothy: Who wants to know?

Brenda: Who do you think?

Dorothy: Why should I care?

Brenda: What should I tell him?

Dorothy: How should I know?

Brenda: [ defensive ] I just asked a question!

Dorothy: [ looks toward the door ] Well.. look what just blew through the screen.. [ a tall, rugged cowboy enters the door and suavely takes a seat on the stool across from Roy ]

Brenda: [ angry ] Man! His type just makes me crazy! Shoot! Look at him – sitting on that stool like he’s doing it a favor! Well, you know what? He can sit there forever as far as I’m concerned – I just don’t care! [ thinking ] However.. my job description requires me to go down and find out exactly what he wants. [ approaches the Cowboy ] Can I help you?

Cowboy: [ in control ] You got coffee?

Brenda: [ taps a cup on the counter ] Got a cup?

Cowboy: You think you can fill it?

Brenda: Think you can handle it?

Cowboy: I can handle a menu!

Brenda: [ gives him a menu ] First look is free.

Cowboy: I ain’t paid for looking yet!

Brenda: [ stern ] You’d better watch it, Cowboy!

Cowboy: I’ve been watching it ever since you walked over here.

Brenda: Yeah.. I couldn’t help noticing what you were looking at, too.

Cowboy: I ain’t looking at anything that ain’t showing!

Brenda: You’d better keep your eyes on what you’re watching, instead of what you think ain’t showing! ‘Cause we got rules here, Mister! Rules! I’m gonna be right back..

Cowboy: I’ll be here!

Brenda: Okay.

Cowboy: Alright!

Brenda: Good, then.

Cowboy: Bye!

Brenda: Okay. [ walks back to Dorothy ]

Dorothy: What did he want?

Brenda: What do you think?

Dorothy: Well, what did you say?

Brenda: Well, what do you think I said?

Roy: [ interrupting ] Eh-excuse me – Brenda? Can we get a cup of coffee?

Brenda: Sure! [ comes forward with a potful ]

Earl: Unless.. unless you.. unless you don’t want us to have anymore.. [ blushes ]

Brenda: Ohhh, you boys! you are just the sweetestthings! I mean it, you really are!

Earl: Yes, Ma’am! [ lowers his head ]

Brenda: [ brings coffee to the Cowboy ] Ready to tell me whatyou want?

Cowboy: I made that decision when I was 12!

Brenda: Ready to tell me what you’d like?

Cowboy: I’m ready!

Brenda: You look it!

Cowboy: You got Specials that look real fine.

Brenda: Yeah, I’m pretty proud of ’em.

Cowboy: Are they as good as they look?

Brenda: I ain’t had no complaints.

Cowboy: I’ll take the Wagon Master! [ Brenda turns away, but he pulls her back ] But I like my eggs on top of my toast!

Brenda: I just bet you do. [ walks back to Dorothy ]Order up!

Dorothy: You are skating on thin ice.

Brenda: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Dorothy: You are driving on ball tires.

Brenda: Well, I would love to carry on this interesting conversation, but if you will excuse me, I have muffins to stack. [ starts stacking the muffins on the counter in front of Roy and Earl ]

Roy: [ snorts happily ] Gosh, Brenda! You sure do stack them muffins real good!

Brenda: Why, thank you, Roy! It’s an acquired skill!

Earl: [ smiles impishly ] Well, you.. do it real good!

Brenda: [ pinches Earl’s cheek, then returns to the cowboy ] Now.. why don’t you tell me what kind of pie you want with your breakfast special..

Cowboy: I didn’t order pie!

Brenda: It comes with the Special!

Cowboy: It’s not on the menu!

Brenda: What are you trying to say?

Cowboy: What are you trying to do?

Brenda: Are you trying to say that I’m the sort of waitress whowould offer a slice of pie if it wasn’t on the menu?!

Cowboy: All I’m saying is, pie is never free!

Brenda: You want to know what I think? I think you can take that order right out the door! Because appetites like yours, huh, they’re a dime a dozen!

Cowboy: I guess I’ll be going, then!

Brenda: Well, I guess you will!

Cowboy: [ stands up and heads out the door ] You know something, honey? You shouldn’t give your pie away with breakfast! It makes you look cheap! [ exits ]

Brenda: You get out! [ starts crying ]

Dorothy: Now, now.. don’t you cry, honey, he ain’t worth it.

Earl: [ helpful ] Brenda..? I’ll.. eat his pie..

Roy: Me, too!

Brenda: [ smiling ] You are the sweetest things!

[ fade ]

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