SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 04/21/90: The Diner


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 15: Episode 18

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89r: Alec Baldwin / The B-52’s

The Diner

Brenda…..Jan Hooks
Roy…..Kevin Nealon
Earl…..Phil Hartman
Dorothy…..Nora Dunn
Cowboy…..Alec Baldwin

[ open on a Southern diner – Brenda the waitress bringing orders to thecounter ]

Brenda: Who got the Chicken Leg Special?

Roy: [ eating from a plate in front of him that’s not his ] Me. I did.

Brenda: Roy, why didn’t you tell me I gave you the wrong order?

Roy: Because, Brenda.. I didn’t have the heart..

Brenda: [ laughs ] Earl? I’m afraid I gave Roy your breakfast!

Earl: [ eating from a plate of him that’s also not his ] Oh, that’s okay.. I’ll eat this one.

Brenda: Oh, but it’s real cold.

Earl: Well, gosh.. I don’t mind!

Brenda: [ laughs ] Honestly, boys! I don’t see how you put up with me!

Earl: Well.. we don’t know how you put up with us! [ Brenda laughs ] All we do is.. come in here and order stuff.

Brenda: You two are the sweetest things! [ pinches Earl’s cheek ] You are! [ walks across to the counter to fellow waitress Dorothy ] I ran into Bobby. He asked about you.

Dorothy: So?

Brenda: You working late tonight?

Dorothy: Who wants to know?

Brenda: Who do you think?

Dorothy: Why should I care?

Brenda: What should I tell him?

Dorothy: How should I know?

Brenda: [ defensive ] I just asked a question!

Dorothy: [ looks toward the door ] Well.. look what just blew through the screen.. [ a tall, rugged cowboy enters the door and suavely takes a seat on the stool across from Roy ]

Brenda: [ angry ] Man! His type just makes me crazy! Shoot! Look at him – sitting on that stool like he’s doing it a favor! Well, you know what? He can sit there forever as far as I’m concerned – I just don’t care! [ thinking ] However.. my job description requires me to go down and find out exactly what he wants. [ approaches the Cowboy ] Can I help you?

Cowboy: [ in control ] You got coffee?

Brenda: [ taps a cup on the counter ] Got a cup?

Cowboy: You think you can fill it?

Brenda: Think you can handle it?

Cowboy: I can handle a menu!

Brenda: [ gives him a menu ] First look is free.

Cowboy: I ain’t paid for looking yet!

Brenda: [ stern ] You’d better watch it, Cowboy!

Cowboy: I’ve been watching it ever since you walked over here.

Brenda: Yeah.. I couldn’t help noticing what you were looking at, too.

Cowboy: I ain’t looking at anything that ain’t showing!

Brenda: You’d better keep your eyes on what you’re watching, instead of what you think ain’t showing! ‘Cause we got rules here, Mister! Rules! I’m gonna be right back..

Cowboy: I’ll be here!

Brenda: Okay.

Cowboy: Alright!

Brenda: Good, then.

Cowboy: Bye!

Brenda: Okay. [ walks back to Dorothy ]

Dorothy: What did he want?

Brenda: What do you think?

Dorothy: Well, what did you say?

Brenda: Well, what do you think I said?

Roy: [ interrupting ] Eh-excuse me – Brenda? Can we get a cup of coffee?

Brenda: Sure! [ comes forward with a potful ]

Earl: Unless.. unless you.. unless you don’t want us to have anymore.. [ blushes ]

Brenda: Ohhh, you boys! you are just the sweetestthings! I mean it, you really are!

Earl: Yes, Ma’am! [ lowers his head ]

Brenda: [ brings coffee to the Cowboy ] Ready to tell me whatyou want?

Cowboy: I made that decision when I was 12!

Brenda: Ready to tell me what you’d like?

Cowboy: I’m ready!

Brenda: You look it!

Cowboy: You got Specials that look real fine.

Brenda: Yeah, I’m pretty proud of ’em.

Cowboy: Are they as good as they look?

Brenda: I ain’t had no complaints.

Cowboy: I’ll take the Wagon Master! [ Brenda turns away, but he pulls her back ] But I like my eggs on top of my toast!

Brenda: I just bet you do. [ walks back to Dorothy ]Order up!

Dorothy: You are skating on thin ice.

Brenda: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Dorothy: You are driving on ball tires.

Brenda: Well, I would love to carry on this interesting conversation, but if you will excuse me, I have muffins to stack. [ starts stacking the muffins on the counter in front of Roy and Earl ]

Roy: [ snorts happily ] Gosh, Brenda! You sure do stack them muffins real good!

Brenda: Why, thank you, Roy! It’s an acquired skill!

Earl: [ smiles impishly ] Well, you.. do it real good!

Brenda: [ pinches Earl’s cheek, then returns to the cowboy ] Now.. why don’t you tell me what kind of pie you want with your breakfast special..

Cowboy: I didn’t order pie!

Brenda: It comes with the Special!

Cowboy: It’s not on the menu!

Brenda: What are you trying to say?

Cowboy: What are you trying to do?

Brenda: Are you trying to say that I’m the sort of waitress whowould offer a slice of pie if it wasn’t on the menu?!

Cowboy: All I’m saying is, pie is never free!

Brenda: You want to know what I think? I think you can take that order right out the door! Because appetites like yours, huh, they’re a dime a dozen!

Cowboy: I guess I’ll be going, then!

Brenda: Well, I guess you will!

Cowboy: [ stands up and heads out the door ] You know something, honey? You shouldn’t give your pie away with breakfast! It makes you look cheap! [ exits ]

Brenda: You get out! [ starts crying ]

Dorothy: Now, now.. don’t you cry, honey, he ain’t worth it.

Earl: [ helpful ] Brenda..? I’ll.. eat his pie..

Roy: Me, too!

Brenda: [ smiling ] You are the sweetest things!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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3 years ago

This was the best skit EVER, Jan Hooks and Alex Baldwin are so into their parts they BOTH should’ve won emmys! This skit is SO overlooked! Thanks for the transcript! ♥️

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