Weekend Update with Dennis Miller
… Dennis Miller
… Kevin Nealon
… A. Whitney Brown
Music Intro: Led Zeppelin’s “The Immigration Song”
Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, withanchorperson Dennis Miller![Extended enthusiastic applause. Dennis waits for itto end and, when it doesn’t, takes a sip of water froma cup.]
Dennis Miller: Good evening and what can I tellya?
Dan Quayle will be the first sitting vice president toserve as Grand Marshal of the Indianapolis 500 on May26th. A Quayle spokesman said that the vice presidentplans to spend the interim month and a half memorizingthe phrase “Gentlemen, start your engines!”
President Bush and National Security Advisor BrentScowcroft braved the wind and rain on a Hamilton,Bermuda golf course last week. [Dennis glances at theaccompanying photo in which the thin, elderlyScowcroft appears shrunken, wrinkled and wizenedstanding next to Bush] Kind of instills confidence ina nation to know that their chief security advisorcuts such a dashing figure, huh? … Looks like thelittle bald guy on Benny Hill tryin’ to hold in awhiz. …
President Bush this week denied rumors that thenation’s railroad system is in shambles. To prove hispoint, he took a group of students from Washington toChicago by handcar. [Video clip shows Bush flying akite with schoolchildren but the video is looped tomake it appear that Bush is pumping his hands up anddown as if pumping a railroad handcar] [Photo of circus clown and child with egg on WhiteHouse lawn] Here’s a shot from last Monday’s Easteregg hunt at the White House. The event was picketed byright-to-life groups who feel the egg should not betrifled with.
Spokesman for the Lithuanian government responded thisweek to Soviet’s cutting eighty percent of theirheating oil supplies by saying, “Go ahead, cut off ourheating oil. It’s almost summer, you pinhead! …Yeah, next winter, why don’t you cut off our bathingsuit supplies?” … President Bush warned SovietPremier Gorbachev that if he continues the economiccutbacks in Lithuania, he would get an even strongerwarning. … A spokesman for the Soviet news agencyTass said the president was only bluffing.
In Prague, Czechoslovakia yesterday, Parliamentapproved a new name for the Central European nation.It’ll be called the Czech and Slovak FederatedRepublic. It was the second name change in a month.The first one, roundly rejected, was The Pat SajakShow.[Photo of a Nikita Khrushchev look-alike] FormerSoviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev turned up this weekat a demonstration in Soviet Moldavia. Khrushchev, whodied in 1971, explained his reappearance by saying,”Well, Communism failed and hell froze over.”
Dennis Miller: And now, once again, it’s timefor a new feature on Weekend Update, “News from TenFeet Away.” We go now to correspondent KevinNealon.[Cut to Kevin Nealon standing in the audience ten feetaway, wearing a trench coat and speaking into acordless microphone. Dennis, sitting at the WeekendUpdate desk, is visible in the background. SUPER: LIVE/ KEVIN NEALON / TEN FEET AWAY]
Kevin Nealon: Dennis, once again, I’m standinghere, ten feet away from you and the Weekend Updatedesk. … And, once again, there are some lights andtelevision equipment here as if there’s a show beingperformed. … And there seems to be a crowd gathered.[cheers and applause] Apparently, a rambunctious crowdand – and they’re here to watch something. It – it’san almost eerie similarity to the last time I reportedto you from ten feet away, Dennis. …
Dennis Miller: And what’s the mood over therethis time, Kevin?
Kevin Nealon: Well, once again, the mood is,uh, uh, festive. [cheers and applause] It’s a mood ofanticipation, uh, I would say mostly anticipation,Dennis. The people here seem to be waiting forsomething. … Almost as if they’re ready to beentertained and yet — they’re not being entertained…. Not in any way, shape or form. … And now, from afair portion of the audience, I’m sensing a glint ofrecognition, mixed with absolute disbelief. As ifthey’re watching something that they had seen beforeand that they never in their wildest imaginationthought they would ever have to sit through again. …[cheers, Kevin clears his throat] And now, I’m – I’mseeing some faces, uh, looking in my direction,Dennis, and I’m sensing a feeling of pity. … Pityand tolerance, almost as if they’re watching someonewho does not appear on the show very often. … [crowdsays: “Awwwwwww!”] Someone who is being allowed tomake a token appearance, being thrown a bone, if youwill. Pure pity, Dennis. Pure pity. … And now I cantell the mood is shifting again, Dennis. … This timeto – to boredom. … Boredom and indifference. Afeeling of “That’s his problem, we came here to beentertained. Why don’t they get on with the realshow?” All this just ten feet away, Dennis. And now,within my field of vision, I see a man with a headset.He’s giving me a slashing “cut” gesture with his hand.Uh, almost as if he’s being directed to cut short aroutine, if you will, that is not working and shouldbe stopped. … Uh, a routine that was put on withoutanyone’s authorization or approval. Now, that same manis throwing his headset down, Dennis, almost as if hecan’t get through to someone who is very stupid orself-absorbed. … He seems to be very irate. I can’tgive you a full report as I’m only ten feet away. Oh,but, now he’s coming a little closer– Yes, he doesappear to be a little – a little ex– [A hammer swingsinto view conking Kevin on the head, he falls to thestudio floor and sprawls there unconscious, cheers andapplause as we cut back to Dennis at the desk]
Dennis Miller: I sense the report isover.
New York won the title of Number One Crime Capital inthe United States this week. Detroit, after demandinga recount, will finally be giving their concessionspeech later this week. … Statistics in the BigApple show that there is at least one stick-up everysix minutes. For those of you visiting the big city,do not fear — if you fail to get mugged within thesix minute time period, you’ll get your pizzafree.[Photo of President Bush with two people in largeEaster bunny costumes, a male and a female] PresidentBush met with Arizona senator Bruce Babbitt and hiswife this week.
And the new movie Ernest Goes to Jail grossed fifteenmillion dollars in its first two weeks. Fifteenmillion dollars. [An old song by the Doors plays withJim Morrison singing: “This is the end, beautifulfriend…” as the lighting turns dark red and Dennisgrows grim and peers into the camera shaking his headsadly:] The horror … the horror … [“This is theend…” Song ends, lights come up and Dennis returnsto normal] [Photo of students at a school dance] The SupremeCourt this week refused to overrule a decision by aMissouri court that prohibited dancing in the city ofPurdy, Missouri, saying it was up to the city to ruleon it. And, additionally, the Supreme Court made itillegal in Purdy to make this overly cool dancingface. [Closer shot of the same photo with one studentgrimacing horribly] [Photo of baseball umpire calling prostrate ballplayer out at home plate – it looks as if the umpirejust punched out the player] Umpire Mark Johnsonknocked out Milwaukee Brewer Rob Deer in the thirdinning of last night’s game. The umpire’s manager DonKing said that he will fight Don Mattingly sometimelater this summer.[Photo of singer-actress-activist Eartha Kitt] And,tomorrow, of course, is Eartha Day and … I couldn’tbe more excited. I – I’ve always been such a fan ofthis special lady’s work. …
Dennis Miller: And now, a humble man whobreathes the very air of truth and insight, A. WhitneyBrown with the Big Picture. Welcome, Whitney. [cheersand applause for Whitney who shakes hands withDennis]
A. Whitney Brown: Thank you, Dennis. Nice to behere. Thank you. Well, friends, tomorrow everybodywill be out planting trees to save the planet. Ofcourse, we’ll cut them all down again at Christmas but… it’s the thought that counts. Earth Day began in1970, right after we went to the moon. Why did we goto the moon? No one knows. … Maybe JFK wanted toimpress one of his secretaries. … Or maybe he justwanted to make Khrushchev look bad. Anyway, it was adream that he had and LBJ made it come true — on someland a friend of his owned in Houston. … It was anamazing feat. In fact, it was the greatest leap oflife since the amphibians hit the beach in thePaleozoic Era. But, you know, our egotism was revealedwith those eleven cruel words: “[That’s] one smallstep for man, one giant leap for mankind.” Like therest of the ecosystem didn’t even exist! No mention ofthe trees that made the oxygen that fired the rockets!No “thank you” to the cretaceous mollusks that laiddown the continents one stinking shell at a time –without a government contract, I might add. … Youknow, if I were another link of the food chain, I’dhave taken it as a deliberate snub. He could have atleast thrown a bone to the invertebrates who backed usup when we were a bunch of nobodies. … Actually, Idon’t think Neil Armstrong even wrote it himself. Itsounds more like Neil Diamond. … But, in the BigPicture, besides arrogance, the greatest threat to theenvironment is ignorance. For example, there aretwenty-five million illiterates in this country alone.Every day, vast numbers of them give directions atservice stations. … [cheers and applause] …wasting millions of gallons of gasoline. Thousandsmore of them defrost refrigerators with sharp objects…. Thereby releasing chloroflourocarbons into theatmosphere. Which is all the more reason to planttrees. Because they give us two most crucial elementsfor our survival: oxygen and books. And that, myfriends, is the Big Picture. [cheers and applause]
Dennis Miller: Whitney Brown.
By the way, numerous Earth Day celebrations areplanned for all over the world tomorrow — or is ittoday? [chuckles] You know, I’m so bad with EarthDays. Anyway– … In the event of rain, they willall be moved inside the core of the planet.
And, in an effort to strengthen Deborah Norville’simage, the Today Show flew her to Nicaragua yesterdayto interview the incoming president Violeta Chamorro.Norville met with Mrs. Chamorro at the palace inManagua at 7:15 this evening and, as we understand it,as of 8 p.m., Deborah Norville is the new president ofNicaragua.[Photo of broadcast journalist Diane Sawyer and DonaldTrump’s mistress Marla Maples – the two blonde womenare near look-alikes so Dennis sings a parody of “ThePatty Duke Show” theme song:]Where Diane adores the minuet
The Ballet Russe and crêpes suzette
Hey, Marla loves the rock and roll
Billionaire makes her lose control
What a crazy pair
The U.S.– [cheers and applause for Dennis’singing]
The U.S. census was declared a failure by Democratsthis week after only sixty-five percent of allhouseholds chose to respond to the questionnaire. Butwhat’s the point of a census if they already have acomplete list of all U.S. residents to mail the censusto?
You know, you might think the Ninja Turtles would bethe hottest toy item on the market right now but notso! It’s gotta be this new one — the New Kids on theChopping Block doll set. [Dennis pulls out a New Kidson the Block doll with its head in a guillotine -cheers and applause] Let’s see how it works. I’m notsure which one this is. I – I think it’s Michelangelo.But here’s how it works. [guillotine blade refuses tofall] Okay. … [Dennis puts the doll away and laughs]Replacement heads are sold separately.
You know, the French government has declared war ontobacco, approving a law banning all cigaretteadvertising and announcing a fifteen percent increasein the price of tobacco products beginning next yearin France. You know, I was in Paris last year and thenicest thing anybody did to me was blow smoke in myface.[Photo of actor Richard Gere] Recent publicity for themovie Pretty Woman reveals that Richard Gere is now aBuddhist and also dating model Cindy Crawford. [Photoof model Cindy Crawford with her famous beauty mark]Gere said he converted to Buddhism about the same timehe met Cindy. [Photo of Buddhist artwork with the samebeauty mark]
Guess what, folks? That’s the news and I – am…[Cheers and applause drown out Dennis final words aswe pull back and fade out.]