Dad, What’s Sex?
Dad…..Andrew Dice Clay
Martin Stokely…..Phil Hartman
[ open on title card ]
Announcer: NBC is proud to present an Afterschool Special, with Andrew Dice Clay:[ dissolve to secodn title card ]
“Dad, What’s Sex?”[ dissolve to exterior, suburban house, as Dad waters the lawn, holding the hose and nozzle in an abrupt phallic manner ] [ Timmy runs into scene and starts up the front steps ]
Timmy: Hi, Dad.
Dad: Hey, Timmy. Hey! Hold on. What’s that long look in your face, huh?
Timmy: Oh, it’s nothing, Dad.
Dad: [ puts the hose away ] Hey, come on. Come down here, you can talk to your old man. Siddown. [ they both sit on the steps ] What’s the matter?
Timmy: Dad. What’s sex?
Dad: [ a beat ] Well, what brings that up?
Timmy: Well. The other kids at school were laugihng and giggling about it, like it was dirty. What is it?
Dad: Well, let me tell ya’ something, Timmy – I don’t know why those kids are laughing. Because there’s nothin’ dirty about — there’s nothin’ more beautiful, more wholesome.. or more natural.. than poontang.
Dad: Absolutely. You see.. Mother Nature has given Man a thing we – we refer to as the dong. He gave me one, and.. He gave you one.
Dad: And, to women, he gave something.. called the honeypot.
Timmy: But, why?
Dad: Well, it’s because when a man and woman love each other very much, they wanna show it. And the way they do that is by.. strappin’ it on. You know what I mean?
Timmy: [ confused ] I think so. Is that like what Scruffy does to my leg?
Dad: Yeah. Only, not as often.
Timmy: I don’t think I’m ever gonna have sex.
Dad: Oh, I think one day you’ll really be wanting some poontang.
Timmy: Well.. how will I know when I’m ready?
Dad: Oh, you’ll know. Pretty son, you’ll be gettin’ some pubes. Next thing you know, you’ll pop a boinger or two, you know? And you’ll be thinkin’ about givin’ someone that nice baloney pony. You know what I’m sayin’?
Timmy: [ shakes his head, smiling ] No way!
Dad: Hey, look, look, look – Timmy, Timmy – come on, you’re my kid. Right? Don’t feel pressured into poontang. When you’re ready for poontang.. poontang will be ready for you.
Timmy: It will?
Dad: Oh, yeah. And, remember – you have to act responsibly with a chick, you know what I’m sayin’? You don’t want to knock her up. You don’t want to give her your real name. Your real address. Your real phone number. And always wear a raincoat on the fireman, if you know what I’m sayin’. Has this helped you at all?
Timmy: Yeah! Thanks, Dad!
Dad: That’s my boy. Anything else you wanna know?
Timmy: Well, I did have one more question.
Dad: [ motions his arms for the question to come pouring out ] Shoot.
Timmy: [ smiles ] Do you think the Mets have a chance this year? [ laughs ]
Dad: That’s my boy! Go do your homework.
Timmy: Okay![ Timmy runs into the house, as Dad retrieves his hose and begins to abruptly water the lawn again ] [ title card overlays ]
Announcer: And now, in response to “Dad, What’s Sex?”, is Martin Stokely of Planned Parenthood.[ dissolve to Martin Stokely standing at center of screen ]
Martin Stokely: Well, we at Planned Parenthood agree, more or less, with the message of Mr. Clay’s Afterschool Special, we take exception to the use of certain words or phrases. For instance, we object to the word.. dong. We feel that a more appropriate word is.. talleywhacker. Also, instead of honeypot.. possibly, a better phrase would have been.. the vertical smile. Or.. the silk igloo. And, is poontang really the proper way to describe.. nookie? We don’t think so. However, we do appreciate the fact that the word boinger was used correctly. Thank you, NBC.[ screen is overlapped with a page wipe, to reveal the Cheers ‘N’ Jeers page of TV Guide ] [ dissolve to close-up of a Cheers article on “Saturday Night Live”, with the summary: ]
Announcer: “Cheers to Saturday Night Live for a skit in which a father thoughtfully explains sex to his son. Although we didn’t see the skit, we feel… wait a minute! We were tricked! ‘Jeers’ to Saturday Night Live! ‘Jeers’!”[ fade ]