It’s A Wonderful Dice
…..Andrew Dice Clay
Mephistoles…..Jon LovitzFrank Zappa…..Dana Carvey
[ open on title card, “The Pat Stevens Show” ]
Announcer V/O: “The Pat Stevens Show” will not be seen tnight, so that we may bring you the following special presentation.
[ dissolve to New York Times printing press in action, as the front page spins into view with the headline: “Andrew Dice Clay To Host S.N.L.” ]
[ the front page for The Wall Street Journal spins over the first paper, with its own headline: “Nora Dunn & Sinead o’Connor Refuse To Perform” ]
[ the front page for Daily News spins over the other two papers, with its headline: “Massive Public Protests Planned” ]
[ finally, the front page for The New York Post spins over all the papers, with its headline: “The Diceman Disappears!” ]
[ dissolve to Andrew Dice Clay standing at the top of a snow-covered bridge, crying to himself ]
Andrew Dice Clay: Why’s this happening to me? all this fuss over one stinkin’ show! I never meant to hurt nobody! [ sobs ] Look at me! I’m cryin, like a – like a chick! [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] That’s it! There’s no point in going on any more, the Diceman’s checkin’ out! [ throws one leg over the railing ]
Voice: I wouldn’t do that, if I were you!
[ Andrew Dice Clay looks around for the source of the mysterious voice, as Mephistopheles materializes into view, lughing maniacally ]
Andrew Dice Clay: W-what are you supposed to be?
Mephistopheles: I’m the Devil, Mr. Clay. Your guardian devil!
Andrew Dice Clay: Hey, get outta my face, alright? [ the Devil laughs ] Can’t you see I wish I had never been born?
Mephistopheles: You’ve got your wish, Diceman. You’ve never been born.
Andrew Dice Clay: [ observes his unchanged surroundings ] Oh, yeah? I don’t feel no different.
Mephistopheles: Well, you are. And so is the world. You don’t know it, but your absence has had far-reaching effects. Follow me. [ laughs maniacally without stopping, as the camera pans out ]
Andrew Dice Clay: Just go! Go! GO!!
[ together, they exit stage left ]
[ dissolve to point-of-view camera movement throuh the snowy streets of New York City, filled with vagrants and homeless people moving about ]
Andrew Dice Clay V/O: Let me ask you something – where are we going?
Mephistoles V/O: You’ll see.
Andrew Dice Clay V/O: Man. Look at all those homesless people. Did I have any affect on their lives?
Mephistopheles V/O: No! [ to himself ] Idiot.
[ dissolve to an upward shot of 30 Rockefeller Plaza ]
[ dissolve to Andrew Dice Clay and Mephistoles in bluish tint, standing among the audience in Studio 8-H as a mustachioed man stands at Home Base delivering a monologue ]
Mephistopheles: Here we are.
Andrew Dice Clay: Where?
Mephistopheles: Studio 8-H. Home of “Saturday Night Live.” This is the show you were supposed to host! But, because you were never born Frank Zappa was booked instead!
Andrew Dice Clay: Oh, my God!
Mephistopheles: Tell me about it. [ they begin walking toward Home Base ] Zappa went on an anti-censorship rant.. for about seventy minutes!
Frank Zappa: — the Thought Police in Washington watching us on their telescreens! Big Brother Bush and his Assistant Reich Marshall Tipper will indubitably prevail! And freedom of speech will go the way of 8-track tapes! [ his lips continue to move, but his voice is silent ]
Mephistopheles: The ratings plummeted. And led to the immediate cancellation of the show.
Andrew Dice Clay: That’s horrible!
Mephistopheles: That’s not the worst of it. [ leads Andrew Dice Clay to the musical guest’s stage ] Behold!
[ Mephistopheles points to an amp lying on top of a pair of women’s legs ]
Andrew Dice Clay: What is that?
Mephistopheles: That.. is Nora Dunn. [ the audience hoots and hollars, as Mephistopheles cackles maniacally ] Because you were never born, she was here that night, and was accidentaly crushed by Sinead O’Connor’s amplifier. [ audience cheers ]
Andrew Dice Clay: That’s awful!
Mephistopheles: O’Connor felt so terrible.. she never sang again.
Andrew Dice Clay: Hey, that’s too bad – she was a cute bald chuick. [ takes a drag from his cigarette ] so, what else? What else? Did anything else happen because I didn’t live?
Mephistopheles: [ thinking ] Yes! Because your fans had their evening free, they were able to graduate high school. [ cackles ]
Andrew Dice Clay: That’s bad, I’m tellin’ ya’. What a waste! But, tell me, Devil – what happened to my film? “The Adventures of Ford Fairlane”, which opens on — [ squints at cue card ] What does that say? [ reads ] “Opens on July 6th, 1990.”
Mephistopheles: It did open. It was a smash hit. It launched the career of the most brilliant comedic actor of his generation – Jon lovitz! [ laughs with glee ]
Andrew Dice Clay: Jon Lovitz?!
Andrew Dice Clay: You mean, that Liar guy?!
Mephistopheles: [ frowns ] It wasn’t his only character!
Andrew Dice Clay: Hey, look – I can’t allow that to happen. You know what I mean? Take me back, Devil! I want to live! I want to live! OH!! I want to live! [ takes a big drag from his cigarette ]
Mephistopheles: Very well, Diceman. I grant you your wish.
[ camera zooms on Mephistopheles ]
Mephistopheles: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiight!!!”