SNL Transcripts: Andrew Dice Clay: 05/12/90: Andrew Dice Clay’s Monologue


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Andrew Dice Clay’s Monologue

…..Andrew Dice Clay

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Andrew Dice Clay!

Andrew Dice Clay: [ enters, taking more drags from his cigarette ] Alright!! [ takes another big drag from his cigarette ] HOW ARE YA’?!! It’s about all I can say tonight, you know what I’m sayin’?! [ audience laughs ] HOW ARE YA’?!! [ audience cheers, as he drags on his cigarette ] Alright, so I see we’re buggin’ a few people, aughh!! [ drags from his cigarette ]

Now.. I know a lot of you people might recognize this jacket. [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] The only other time I ever wore this jacket was on my.. one appearance on M-TV last year. [ audience cheers ] But don’t worry – I won’t curse! I mean that. I don’t need it no more. You know what I mean? I got enough PR this week. And I think the only thing I can do to top it is to take my penis and wrap it around the microphone stand! [ takes another drag from his cigarette ]


But I ain’t gonna do that! I don’t believe in that, I never did! [ audience awwws ] Know what I mean? [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] But I know, you know, they made me out to be a bad guy. sometimes I feel like Al Pacino in “Scarface.” You know what I’m sayin’? You know the scene I’m talkin’ about – he’s at the dinner table, and he’s sittin’ there like.. “That’s right! Look at me, you piece of gint! I’m the bad guy, right!” Wrong!! THAT’S why I’m here! [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] And we got a good-looking crowd, and we got some good-looking chicks here in the audience. [ glances at a chick in the audience ] How are ya’, honey? Nice to have ya’. [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] You live alone? OH!

Let’s see – I am gonna keep it clean, ’cause I have other talents, other than a foul mouth, even though I know how to make it rhyme so beautiful. [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] You know what I mean? I mean, even comin’ down here tonight – you know, situations happen that aren’t that dirty. It’s like, I’m walkin’ down to the studio today, right? And all of a sudden, out of nowhere, this mugger comes out of an alley with a knife. Right? Adn he goes, “Hey! Give me your wallet!” I’m going, “Whoa-ho, whoa! [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] What kind of an attitude is that? That’s how you ask me for something?” I go, “Number One: I don’t carry a wallet. I never did, I don’t believe in them, you know what I mean? [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] But I carry a gun. Now, give me your wallet!” [ takes another drag on his cigarette, as the audience laughs ] So, then we’re walkin’ down here together. [ takes another drag on his cigarette ]

You see, I get along with people. I-I do a lot of great things. I just bought this fish tank. You know what I mean? I don’t like fish; I like the tanks! So, I, uh – so I put my dog in it! [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] Hey, I got a lot of clean jokes! I just forget ’em all the time. [ audience laughs ] You know what I’m sayin’? That’s what I’m sayin’! I don’t know! [ glances into the audience ] But, look – he’s thinkin’ about that. [ to the man ] Think about it for fifteen minutes. Take an hour. Back! Get it?! Hour BACK!! [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] I’ll call you back in an hour, I’m BACK!! [ makes a moaning and groaning noise as he takes another drag on his cigarette ] You’re laughin’ and you don’t even know what you’re laughin’ about! It’s ’cause I’m funny, stu-peed! [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] I don’t have to tell jokes – I could just keep sayin’, “I’ll call you in an hour – I’M BACK!! Get it?!” And you’d keep laughing! You know why? You’re a moron! [ takes another drag from his cigarette ]

But, no – you’re living with this girl now? Things are good?

[ cut to guy in the audience ]

Guy in Audience: Yeah.

Andrew Dice Clay: Yeah? Married?

[ Guy in audience shakes his head yes ]

Andrew Dice Clay: You’re gettin’ married? [ chuckles ] No, it don’t make – so you won’t have any money in a few years. You know what I mean? But the wedding’s beautiful, you know? [ takes another drag from his cigarette ] I like that part in the wedding where you take the garter belt off, and everybody’s lookin’ like you never seen her skin, and they’re goin’, “Whoo-hoo-hoooo!” Right? [ winks lasciviously ] Yeah, sure, right? [ takes another drag on his cigarette ] She’s pure as silk – that’s why they wear the white dress, you know? They’re in the white dress, and – like – like, they’re pure! Right? Like there isn’t a guy sittin’ in the back of the chapel goin’, “White dress? I had this bitch when she was fifteen!

[ the guy in the audience laughs again ]

Alright. Well, we’re gonna give you a great show tonight. You’re gonna have a great time, and I’m gonna be unbelievable like always! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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