Andrew Dice Clay’s Monologue
…..Andrew Dice Clay
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Andrew Dice Clay!
Andrew Dice Clay: [ enters, taking more drags from his cigarette ] Alright!! [ takes another big drag from his cigarette ] HOW ARE YA’?!! It’s about all I can say tonight, you know what I’m sayin’?! [ audience laughs ] HOW ARE YA’?!! [ audience cheers, as he drags on his cigarette ] Alright, so I see we’re buggin’ a few people, aughh!! [ drags from his cigarette ]
Now.. I know a lot of you people might recognize this jacket. [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] The only other time I ever wore this jacket was on my.. one appearance on M-TV last year. [ audience cheers ] But don’t worry – I won’t curse! I mean that. I don’t need it no more. You know what I mean? I got enough PR this week. And I think the only thing I can do to top it is to take my penis and wrap it around the microphone stand! [ takes another drag from his cigarette ]
But I ain’t gonna do that! I don’t believe in that, I never did! [ audience awwws ] Know what I mean? [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] But I know, you know, they made me out to be a bad guy. sometimes I feel like Al Pacino in “Scarface.” You know what I’m sayin’? You know the scene I’m talkin’ about – he’s at the dinner table, and he’s sittin’ there like.. “That’s right! Look at me, you piece of gint! I’m the bad guy, right!” Wrong!! THAT’S why I’m here! [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] And we got a good-looking crowd, and we got some good-looking chicks here in the audience. [ glances at a chick in the audience ] How are ya’, honey? Nice to have ya’. [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] You live alone? OH!
Let’s see – I am gonna keep it clean, ’cause I have other talents, other than a foul mouth, even though I know how to make it rhyme so beautiful. [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] You know what I mean? I mean, even comin’ down here tonight – you know, situations happen that aren’t that dirty. It’s like, I’m walkin’ down to the studio today, right? And all of a sudden, out of nowhere, this mugger comes out of an alley with a knife. Right? Adn he goes, “Hey! Give me your wallet!” I’m going, “Whoa-ho, whoa! [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] What kind of an attitude is that? That’s how you ask me for something?” I go, “Number One: I don’t carry a wallet. I never did, I don’t believe in them, you know what I mean? [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] But I carry a gun. Now, give me your wallet!” [ takes another drag on his cigarette, as the audience laughs ] So, then we’re walkin’ down here together. [ takes another drag on his cigarette ]
You see, I get along with people. I-I do a lot of great things. I just bought this fish tank. You know what I mean? I don’t like fish; I like the tanks! So, I, uh – so I put my dog in it! [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] Hey, I got a lot of clean jokes! I just forget ’em all the time. [ audience laughs ] You know what I’m sayin’? That’s what I’m sayin’! I don’t know! [ glances into the audience ] But, look – he’s thinkin’ about that. [ to the man ] Think about it for fifteen minutes. Take an hour. Back! Get it?! Hour BACK!! [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] I’ll call you back in an hour, I’m BACK!! [ makes a moaning and groaning noise as he takes another drag on his cigarette ] You’re laughin’ and you don’t even know what you’re laughin’ about! It’s ’cause I’m funny, stu-peed! [ takes a drag on his cigarette ] I don’t have to tell jokes – I could just keep sayin’, “I’ll call you in an hour – I’M BACK!! Get it?!” And you’d keep laughing! You know why? You’re a moron! [ takes another drag from his cigarette ]
But, no – you’re living with this girl now? Things are good?
[ cut to guy in the audience ]
Guy in Audience: Yeah.
Andrew Dice Clay: Yeah? Married?
[ Guy in audience shakes his head yes ]
Andrew Dice Clay: You’re gettin’ married? [ chuckles ] No, it don’t make – so you won’t have any money in a few years. You know what I mean? But the wedding’s beautiful, you know? [ takes another drag from his cigarette ] I like that part in the wedding where you take the garter belt off, and everybody’s lookin’ like you never seen her skin, and they’re goin’, “Whoo-hoo-hoooo!” Right? [ winks lasciviously ] Yeah, sure, right? [ takes another drag on his cigarette ] She’s pure as silk – that’s why they wear the white dress, you know? They’re in the white dress, and – like – like, they’re pure! Right? Like there isn’t a guy sittin’ in the back of the chapel goin’, “White dress? I had this bitch when she was fifteen!“
[ the guy in the audience laughs again ]
Alright. Well, we’re gonna give you a great show tonight. You’re gonna have a great time, and I’m gonna be unbelievable like always! So stick around, we’ll be right back!