Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 15: Episode 20
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89t: Candice Bergen / The Notting Hillbillies
Toonces the Cat Who Could Drive A Car
Lyle Clarke…..Dana Carvey
Brenda Clarke…..Victoria Jackson
Spunky’s Owner…..Candice Bergen
Jingle:
“Toonces the Driving Cat
The Cat who could drive a car.
He drives around
all over the town
Toonces the Driving Cat!”
Announcer: “Toonces, the Cat Who Could Drive A Car.” Tonight: “Toonces’ Arch Enemy – Spunky”.
[ dissolve to interior, living room, as Toonces and his owners, Lyle and Brenda Clarke, watch home videos with Spunky and his owner ]Spunky’s Owner: These are really nice home videos.
Lyle Clarke: Thanks!
Brenda Clarke: Oh, look! Here we are at the Grand Canyon!
Lyle Clarke: Oh, yeah.. Toonces was driving that day!
[ footage shows Toonces driving the car over the edge of the Grand Canyon ]Spunky’s Owner: The Grand Canyon is really deep!
Lyle Clarke: Yeah! Yeah, tell us about it.
Brenda Clarke: Yeah.
Lyle Clarke: Hmm.
Brenda Clarke: Oh! Here we are at Carmel!
Lyle Clarke: Mmm. Yeah.
Brenda Clarke: Oh, that’s Toonces coming to pick us up.
[ footage shows Toonces driving the car over a cliff ]Lyle Clarke: [ chuckles ]
Spunky’s Owner: Carmel is so pretty, isn’t it?
Lyle Clarke: It sure is. Oh! Now, here we are at Niagra Falls!
Lyle Clarke: What a view we had that day – thanks to Toonces!
Spunky’s Owner: Ohh..
[ footage shows Toonces as a kitten driving a toy car around in the driveway ]Lyle Clarke: Oh, how did this get in here? That was Toonces when he was a kitten!
Brenda Clarke: Oh! He liked to drive even then!
Lyle Clarke: Oh, there he goes!
Lyle Clarke: Awww.. Well.. that’s all. I sure hope you enjoyed it.
Spunky’s Owner: I sure did! And I have an an-nunce-ment!
Brenda Clarke: What is it?
Spunky’s Owner: I know that your cat Toonces can drive.
Lyle Clarke: Well, yes.. just not very well.
Spunky’s Owner: Well, my cat Spunky just finished Driving School!
Lyle Clarke: Really?
Brenda Clarke: Wow!
Spunky’s Owner: Yep! Here’s his report card.
Lyle Clarke: [ examining it ] Wow! Look at those grades!
Spunky’s Owner: He got a A+ in Driving, an A+ in Conduct, an A+ in Attendance, an A+ in Punctuality.. and an extra A+ for helping clean erasers after class!
Brenda Clarke: It sounds like he’s a good driver!
Lyle Clarke: And how!
Spunky’s Owner: Hey, I’ve got an idea! Let’s have Spunky take us for a drive!
The Clarkes: Yeah!!
Spunky’s Owner: We’ll go home and get ready!
Brenda Clarke: Okay!
Lyle Clarke: Bye-bye!
Brenda Clarke: Bye, Spunky!
Lyle Clarke: Bye, Spunky!
[ Spunky and his owner exit the Clarke household ]Toonces: [ growls menacingly ] [ dissolve to interior, Spunky’s house; Spunky is in the bathroom getting himself ready ]
Spunky’s Owner: Spunky? Are you getting ready?
Spunky: [ meows ]
Spunky’s Owner: Don’t forget to wear your nice tie!
Spunky: [ meows ] [ camera focuses on Spunky’s reflection in the mirror, where, suddenly, Toonces appears from behind, and covers Spunky’s face with a rag of chloroform ] [ dissolve to the drive, later that afternoon, with what appears to be Spunky driving the car for his owner and the Clarkes ]
Spunky’s Owner: What a lovely day for a drive.
Lyle Clarke: It certainly is.
Brenda Clarke: Yeah. and Spunky is driving so well!
Spunky’s Owner: Yes! Did you see, back at that turn, how he used his signal, and put out his paw?
Brenda Clarke: Yeah, I noticed that!
Lyle Clarke: But he.. he seems to be driving worse now..
[ “Spunky” begins to swerve the car along the road ]Everyone: Uh-oh..
Brenda Clarke: He’s getting wreckless!
Spunky’s Owner: [ worried ] Spunky, what’s wrong?
Lyle Clarke: Hey! Hey, wait a minute! Something’s wrong here..
[ Lyle reaches over the seat to pull off Toonces’ fake Spunky mask ]Everyone: It’s Toonces!!
Spunky’s Owner: But where’s Spunky?
[ quick cut to show Spunky tied and gagged in his bathroom back at home ] [ quick cut back to Toonces driving everyone in the car ]Everyone: Look out, Toonces!! Look out!!
[ once again, the car topples over a cliff ]Jingle:
“He drives around
all over the town
Toonces the Driving Cat!”
Car Tune Racing