SNL Transcripts: Candice Bergen: 05/19/90: Wayne’s World



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  Season 15: Episode 20










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89t: Candice Bergen / The Notting Hillbillies

Wayne’s World

Wayne…..Mike Myers
Garth…..Dana Carvey
Hillary Algar…..Candice Bergen

Garth: Welcome to “Wayne’s World”! Here’s your excellent host – Wayne Campbell!

Wayne: Party!! Party hearty! It’s Friday, it’s 10:30, it’s time to party! I’m your excellent host, Wayne Campbell. With me, as always, is Garth.

Garth: Party on, Wayne!

Wayne: Party on, Garth! Okay! Before I bring out our first guest – Garth and I go see movies, right? And from time to time, we review them. So, right now, we’d like to present another installment of.. “Wayne & Garth’s Movie World!”

Together:
“Movie World!
Party time!
Party time!
Excellent!”

Whoo-oo-oo!!

Wayne: Okay! Let’s go to the movies!

Garth: Alright!

Wayne: Alright! The first movie is “Pretty woman”, with that totally excellent babe Julia Roberts! Grrrrrrrrowwwwllll!! I thought it was excellent – she’s magically delicious!

Garth: I agree! I thought she was excellent! She’s such a babe, it hurts – owwww..

Wayne: You’re right, Garth! You know, they should introduce stern legislation to curb such dangerous levels of babacity! Alright, the next movie. “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”, starring.. some turtles. Didn’t see it. Garth?

Garth: No, I didn’t see it. You know, you just can’t get in, there’s too many turtleheads!

Wayne: Good call! good call! Okay, the next movie. “The Hunt For Red October”, starring Sean Connery. Garth?

Garth: I really liked it, it was scary.

Wayne: I rather liked it – not!

Garth: Seriously?

Wayne: Okay, to be fair, you know, I really couldn’t pay attention, because I was sitting beside this guy – this mental case. He kept sniffing his fingers the whole time.

Garth: No way!

Wayne: Way!

Garth: Gross!

Wayne: Telling! Okay! The last movie is.. “Opportunity Knocks”, starring Dana Carvey. I thought it was funny. Garth?

Garth: Sucked!

Wayne: Okay! Extreme Close-Up!

[ camera zooms in individually on Wayne and Garth’s faces, as they scream maniacally ]

Wayne: Okay!

Garth: Excellent close-up!

Wayne: Alright!

Garth: Good close-up!

Wayne: Okay! Last week, as you know, was Mother’s Day, right? So, in keeping with that spirit, let’s bring out our first guest, alright? You all know her as Garth’s mom – please welcome Mrs. Hillary Algar, Garth’s mom!

Together:
“Wayne’s World!Wayne’s World!Party time!Excellent!Owww!!”

[ Garth’s mom comes down the stairs and takes a seat next to Garth on the couch ]

Wayne: [ extremely smitten ] Welcome to “Wayne’s World”, Mrs. Algar!

Hillary Algar: Well.. thanks, Wayne! Hi, Garth.

Garth: [ shy ] Hi, Mom!

Wayne: Mrs. Algar, I just have to say it – for a mom, you’re a fox!

Hillary Algar: Oh, thank you, Wayne!

Wayne: No, I’m serious! I’m serious. You’re such a fox.. you should be on the FOX Network!

Hillary Algar: Really.. you’re embarrasing me!

Wayne: In France, you would be known as “La Renard” – The Fox! In England, you would be hunted by the aristocracy with only your cunning to protect you!

Garth: Hey, Wayne, that’s my mom you’re talking about!

Wayne: I’m sorry, Garth – sorry – but you got a babe for a mom! You’re such a lucky duck!

Garth: [ meekly ] She’s just my mom.

Wayne: Alright, Mrs. Algar – you’re married to Beev, right?

Hillary Algar: That’s right.

Wayne: [ to the point ] Why?

Hillary Algar: Because I love him.

Wayne: Okay, but.. I mean, here’s a picture of you.. [ holds up a stunning photo of Mrs. Algar ] Grrroowwlll!! Alright? And, here’s a picture of Beev. [ holds up a nerdy photo of Garth’s dad, Beev ] Contrast and compare. The man’s a dweeb! How can a dweeb like him be married to a fox like you?

Garth: Just shut up! Just shut up, Wayne! That’s my dad you’re talking about!!

Wayne: Alright! Take a pill! Geesh! Don’t have a harry about it!

Hillary Algar: Listen, Wayne, don’t call my husband a dweeb, you gimp! [ slaps Wayne ]

Wayne: [ pleased ] The fox came to fight! Alright, you’re right, okay.. Beev’s a nice man. I just got carried away.

Hillary Algar: Well, let’s talk about something else, okay?

Wayne: Alright. The summer’s coming up.

Hillary Algar: Perfect. What are you doing this summer?

Wayne: Well.. I’m gonna join the pool.. and then, later on, I’m gonna do Outward Bound. Garth?

Garth: [ taken by surprise ] Um.. my-my-my dad and I, we’re gonna go to, um.. computer camp, for a month..

Wayne: A whole month?

Garth: Yeah.

Wayne: Just you and your dad?

Garth: Yeah.

Wayne: And your mom’s not going?

Garth: No-o-o-o!

Wayne: Really?

[ Wayne frantically waves his hands, falling into a fantasy sequence ] [ Wayne’s fantasy sequence becomes reminiscent of “Summer of ’42”, as he enters the Algar summer cabin carrying large bags of groceries, with Hillary by his side ]

Wayne: Where would you like me to put these groceries, Mrs. Algar?

Hillary Algar: Oh.. on the table is fine, and.. please.. call me Hillary. I’ll get my purse.

Wayne: Sure, Hillary!

[ Wayne puts the groceries down ]

Hillary Algar: Look, Wayne, I.. can’t thank you enough for carrying those heavy shopping bags all the way from the store. Why.. what with Beev and Garth away at computer camp.. I could really use a man around here.

[ ]

Wayne: Well.. you know.. if you ever need anything, just call me. Okay?

Hillary Algar: Wayne, those bags are so heavy, and that store so far away.. please let me give you some money.

Wayne: [ manly ] I wouldn’t dream of it, Hillary.

Hillary Algar: Well.. at least stay and have a cup of coffee. You are old enough to drink a cup of coffee, aren’t you, Wayne?

Wayne: Shyeah!

Hillary Algar: I was just checking.

Wayne: [ dramatic pause ] I’m old enough.

Hillary Algar: How do you like your coffee?

Wayne: I like my coffee like I like my women.

Hillary Algar: Really? How’s that?

Wayne: Milk and two sugars.

Hillary Algar: What does that mean?

Wayne: I don’t know.

Hillary Algar: You’re sweet. [ grabs a letter from the mail, and begins to read it ]

Garth Voiceover: “Dear Mom. Beev and I are having so much fun, we’re staying an extra month. Love, Garth!”
,br>[ Hillary begins to weep ]

Wayne: Hillary? What’s wrong?

Hillary Algar: It’s just that it’s.. been so hard these past weeks with.. Beev and Garth away at computer camp. I feel so very alone!

[ Hillary falls into Wayne’s arms, as the familiar “Theme From Summer of ’42” pots up ]

Hillary Algar: Dance with me, Wayne.

Wayne: O-kay..

[ Hillary and Wayne begin to dance in a circle around the kitchen, with Hillary’s head on Wayne’s shoulder; each time Wayne slowly turns to face the camera, he gives an assured thumbs-up ] [ suddenly, Garth waves his arms and falls into Wayne’s fantasy sequence ]

Wayne: Garth! What are you doing here?! This is my dream sequence!

Garth: [ points gun at Wayne ] That’s my mom, you pig!

Wayne: Garth! No!

Garth: [ shoots gun at Wayne ] Kaboo-oo-oommmm!!

Wayne: [ screaming as he faux dies ] Blood, blood, blood! Sinew! Entrails! Blood, blood, blood, blood!

[ Wayne falls out of his fantasy sequence, back into his basement show set ]

Garth: Wake up, Wayne! Wake up! Wake up, Wayne!

Wayne: Garth, don’t be mad at me!!

Garth: For what?!

Wayne: [ sees that he’s back safe in the basement ] Oh, good! It was all a dream! [ notices that the grocery bags from his fantasy are on the floor by the couch ] Or was it?! Who-o-o-o-o-oa-oa-aahhh!! That’s all the time we have this week! Hillary, I love you!

Hillary Algar: I love you, too, Wayne.

Wayne: [ surprised ] Really?

Hillary Algar: Fished in!

Garth: Alright! Good one, Mom! Excellent!

Wayne: Give me a tetnus, I just got a major fox bite! Okay! Until then – party on, Garth!

Garth: Party on, Wayne!

Wayne: Alright! “Wayne’s World!

[ title up, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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