SNL Transcripts: Candice Bergen: 05/19/90: Wayne’s World



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  Season 15: Episode 20










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89t: Candice Bergen / The Notting Hillbillies

Wayne’s World

Wayne…..Mike Myers
Garth…..Dana Carvey
Hillary Algar…..Candice Bergen

Garth: Welcome to “Wayne’s World”! Here’s your excellent host – Wayne Campbell!

Wayne: Party!! Party hearty! It’s Friday, it’s 10:30, it’s time to party! I’m your excellent host, Wayne Campbell. With me, as always, is Garth.

Garth: Party on, Wayne!

Wayne: Party on, Garth! Okay! Before I bring out our first guest – Garth and I go see movies, right? And from time to time, we review them. So, right now, we’d like to present another installment of.. “Wayne & Garth’s Movie World!”

Together:
“Movie World!
Party time!
Party time!
Excellent!”

Whoo-oo-oo!!

Wayne: Okay! Let’s go to the movies!

Garth: Alright!

Wayne: Alright! The first movie is “Pretty woman”, with that totally excellent babe Julia Roberts! Grrrrrrrrowwwwllll!! I thought it was excellent – she’s magically delicious!

Garth: I agree! I thought she was excellent! She’s such a babe, it hurts – owwww..

Wayne: You’re right, Garth! You know, they should introduce stern legislation to curb such dangerous levels of babacity! Alright, the next movie. “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”, starring.. some turtles. Didn’t see it. Garth?

Garth: No, I didn’t see it. You know, you just can’t get in, there’s too many turtleheads!

Wayne: Good call! good call! Okay, the next movie. “The Hunt For Red October”, starring Sean Connery. Garth?

Garth: I really liked it, it was scary.

Wayne: I rather liked it – not!

Garth: Seriously?

Wayne: Okay, to be fair, you know, I really couldn’t pay attention, because I was sitting beside this guy – this mental case. He kept sniffing his fingers the whole time.

Garth: No way!

Wayne: Way!

Garth: Gross!

Wayne: Telling! Okay! The last movie is.. “Opportunity Knocks”, starring Dana Carvey. I thought it was funny. Garth?

Garth: Sucked!

Wayne: Okay! Extreme Close-Up!

[ camera zooms in individually on Wayne and Garth’s faces, as they scream maniacally ]

Wayne: Okay!

Garth: Excellent close-up!

Wayne: Alright!

Garth: Good close-up!

Wayne: Okay! Last week, as you know, was Mother’s Day, right? So, in keeping with that spirit, let’s bring out our first guest, alright? You all know her as Garth’s mom – please welcome Mrs. Hillary Algar, Garth’s mom!

Together:
“Wayne’s World!Wayne’s World!Party time!Excellent!Owww!!”

[ Garth’s mom comes down the stairs and takes a seat next to Garth on the couch ]

Wayne: [ extremely smitten ] Welcome to “Wayne’s World”, Mrs. Algar!

Hillary Algar: Well.. thanks, Wayne! Hi, Garth.

Garth: [ shy ] Hi, Mom!

Wayne: Mrs. Algar, I just have to say it – for a mom, you’re a fox!

Hillary Algar: Oh, thank you, Wayne!

Wayne: No, I’m serious! I’m serious. You’re such a fox.. you should be on the FOX Network!

Hillary Algar: Really.. you’re embarrasing me!

Wayne: In France, you would be known as “La Renard” – The Fox! In England, you would be hunted by the aristocracy with only your cunning to protect you!

Garth: Hey, Wayne, that’s my mom you’re talking about!

Wayne: I’m sorry, Garth – sorry – but you got a babe for a mom! You’re such a lucky duck!

Garth: [ meekly ] She’s just my mom.

Wayne: Alright, Mrs. Algar – you’re married to Beev, right?

Hillary Algar: That’s right.

Wayne: [ to the point ] Why?

Hillary Algar: Because I love him.

Wayne: Okay, but.. I mean, here’s a picture of you.. [ holds up a stunning photo of Mrs. Algar ] Grrroowwlll!! Alright? And, here’s a picture of Beev. [ holds up a nerdy photo of Garth’s dad, Beev ] Contrast and compare. The man’s a dweeb! How can a dweeb like him be married to a fox like you?

Garth: Just shut up! Just shut up, Wayne! That’s my dad you’re talking about!!

Wayne: Alright! Take a pill! Geesh! Don’t have a harry about it!

Hillary Algar: Listen, Wayne, don’t call my husband a dweeb, you gimp! [ slaps Wayne ]

Wayne: [ pleased ] The fox came to fight! Alright, you’re right, okay.. Beev’s a nice man. I just got carried away.

Hillary Algar: Well, let’s talk about something else, okay?

Wayne: Alright. The summer’s coming up.

Hillary Algar: Perfect. What are you doing this summer?

Wayne: Well.. I’m gonna join the pool.. and then, later on, I’m gonna do Outward Bound. Garth?

Garth: [ taken by surprise ] Um.. my-my-my dad and I, we’re gonna go to, um.. computer camp, for a month..

Wayne: A whole month?

Garth: Yeah.

Wayne: Just you and your dad?

Garth: Yeah.

Wayne: And your mom’s not going?

Garth: No-o-o-o!

Wayne: Really?

[ Wayne frantically waves his hands, falling into a fantasy sequence ] [ Wayne’s fantasy sequence becomes reminiscent of “Summer of ’42”, as he enters the Algar summer cabin carrying large bags of groceries, with Hillary by his side ]

Wayne: Where would you like me to put these groceries, Mrs. Algar?

Hillary Algar: Oh.. on the table is fine, and.. please.. call me Hillary. I’ll get my purse.

Wayne: Sure, Hillary!

[ Wayne puts the groceries down ]

Hillary Algar: Look, Wayne, I.. can’t thank you enough for carrying those heavy shopping bags all the way from the store. Why.. what with Beev and Garth away at computer camp.. I could really use a man around here.

[ ]

Wayne: Well.. you know.. if you ever need anything, just call me. Okay?

Hillary Algar: Wayne, those bags are so heavy, and that store so far away.. please let me give you some money.

Wayne: [ manly ] I wouldn’t dream of it, Hillary.

Hillary Algar: Well.. at least stay and have a cup of coffee. You are old enough to drink a cup of coffee, aren’t you, Wayne?

Wayne: Shyeah!

Hillary Algar: I was just checking.

Wayne: [ dramatic pause ] I’m old enough.

Hillary Algar: How do you like your coffee?

Wayne: I like my coffee like I like my women.

Hillary Algar: Really? How’s that?

Wayne: Milk and two sugars.

Hillary Algar: What does that mean?

Wayne: I don’t know.

Hillary Algar: You’re sweet. [ grabs a letter from the mail, and begins to read it ]

Garth Voiceover: “Dear Mom. Beev and I are having so much fun, we’re staying an extra month. Love, Garth!”
,br>[ Hillary begins to weep ]

Wayne: Hillary? What’s wrong?

Hillary Algar: It’s just that it’s.. been so hard these past weeks with.. Beev and Garth away at computer camp. I feel so very alone!

[ Hillary falls into Wayne’s arms, as the familiar “Theme From Summer of ’42” pots up ]

Hillary Algar: Dance with me, Wayne.

Wayne: O-kay..

[ Hillary and Wayne begin to dance in a circle around the kitchen, with Hillary’s head on Wayne’s shoulder; each time Wayne slowly turns to face the camera, he gives an assured thumbs-up ] [ suddenly, Garth waves his arms and falls into Wayne’s fantasy sequence ]

Wayne: Garth! What are you doing here?! This is my dream sequence!

Garth: [ points gun at Wayne ] That’s my mom, you pig!

Wayne: Garth! No!

Garth: [ shoots gun at Wayne ] Kaboo-oo-oommmm!!

Wayne: [ screaming as he faux dies ] Blood, blood, blood! Sinew! Entrails! Blood, blood, blood, blood!

[ Wayne falls out of his fantasy sequence, back into his basement show set ]

Garth: Wake up, Wayne! Wake up! Wake up, Wayne!

Wayne: Garth, don’t be mad at me!!

Garth: For what?!

Wayne: [ sees that he’s back safe in the basement ] Oh, good! It was all a dream! [ notices that the grocery bags from his fantasy are on the floor by the couch ] Or was it?! Who-o-o-o-o-oa-oa-aahhh!! That’s all the time we have this week! Hillary, I love you!

Hillary Algar: I love you, too, Wayne.

Wayne: [ surprised ] Really?

Hillary Algar: Fished in!

Garth: Alright! Good one, Mom! Excellent!

Wayne: Give me a tetnus, I just got a major fox bite! Okay! Until then – party on, Garth!

Garth: Party on, Wayne!

Wayne: Alright! “Wayne’s World!

[ title up, to fade ]

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