Kyle MacLachlan’s Monologue
…..Kyle MacLachlan
Kyle MacLachlan: Thank you very much. Nice to be here, and its an honor to be hosting the opening show of “Saturday Night Live”. Well, one of the reasons any actor wants to host this show is in order to show another side of his talent and personality. And in my case since most of you probably know me from the eccentric character I played on “Blue Velvet” and uh.. of course, Agent Cooper from “Twin Peaks”. I.. uh.. was especially anxious for you to see what I’m like as a person. So this may seem a little unusual – I don’t know if they’ve done this before – but I thought I’d open up the floor to any questions you might have about me. So? [ Woman in Audience raises her hand ] Yeah?
Woman in Audience: Yeah, um.. where you from?
Kyle MacLachlan: Yakuma, Washington. [ First Man in Audience raises his hand ] Yeah?
First Man in Audience: Is your name pronounced Mac – clock – land?
Kyle MacLachlan: Its Mac – loc – land, close. Its Scottish. [ Second Male in Audience raises his hand ] Yeah.
Second Man in Audience: Uh, yeah.. this isn’t so much a question about you – but I’m a big “Twin Peaks” fan, and I was kind of wondering: are we going to find out this year who killed Laura Palmer?
Kyle MacLachlan: Yeah, its.. uh.. it’s Shelly the waitress, and uh.. they’re going to reveal that in the last episode, so.. [ looks around casually ] Any more questions, or..? Okay. Look, we’ve got a great show tonight. Sinead O’Conner is here.
Director’s Voice: Oh, Kyle. [ Kyle looks around ] Kyle?
Kyle MacLachlan: Yeah?
Director’s Voice: Kyle, could you come to the control room for amoment? There’s a phone call for you.
Kyle MacLachlan: Yeah.. okay. Um.. excuse me.
[ Kyle walks off stage to the left, past television cameras and the camera crew, then walks up a hallway into the control room ]Operator: [ holding telephone for Kyle ] It’s David Lynch.
Kyle MacLachlan: Oh, alright. [ takes phone ] David! Hey, are you watching?
Voice of David Lynch: Well, there’s nothing else good on.
Kyle MacLachlan: Well, what do you think?
Voice of David Lynch: [ barks unintelligible slur of words ]
Kyle MacLachlan: Well, he asked me. What am I supposed to do, lie?
Voice of David Lynch: How long have you been in this business?!
Kyle MacLachlan: Look, I’ve been in the business for six years, David. You know that.
Voice of David Lynch: [ more unintelligible barking of slur words ] [ screen dissolves temporarily to a black and white photo of David Lynch, titled “Voice of David Lynch.” ]
Voice of David Lynch: ..back to Yakuma, Washington!!
Kyle MacLachlan: Well, what good would it be to tell.. it’s Shelly, David. I mean the episode’s been shot. It’s Shelly, okay. I mean, they’re going to find out eventually.
Voice of David Lynch: I KNOW THAT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!DON’T TELL ANYMORE! [ barks unintelligible orders ]
Kyle MacLachlan: Yes. Okay. Yes, sir.. Yes, yes sir. Okay, Iunderstand. Okay, I’ll try..
Voice of David Lynch: DO IT! GET OUT OF HERE!
Kyle MacLachlan: [ hangs up phone quietly ] Thanks. [ returns to center stage, nervously wrings his hands and faces the audience ] Uh.. uh.. excuse me, I.. uh.. I want to say one thing. Earlier, when I made the joke about Shelly the waitress killing Laura Palmer, I.. I just wanted to make sure that you all knew that it was a joke. And, uh.. I mean, obviously I wouldn’t come out here and.. and tell you that, uh.. uh.. that it was real and, uh.. and ruin my chances of being in the second season. I mean, only a real idiot who never wanted to work in Hollywood, who deserves a real big spanking, would.. uh.. would do such a stupid thing like that. So, anyway, we’ve got a great show, so stick around. We’ll be right back.
[ zoom out to fade ]