Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 16: Episode 1
All Things Scottish
Stuart Rankin…..Mike Myers
Customer #1…..Kevin Nealon
Customer #2…..Jan Hooks
Customer #3…..Victoria Jackson
Stuart Rankin: So that’s, eh, one kilt, one Loch Ness Monster, and one bottle of Bell’s Scotch whiskey. That comes to two hundred twenty-two dollars and twenty-seven cents, please.
Customer #1: [ pays Stuart ] There you go. Thank you very much.
Stuart Rankin: Thank you.
Customer #1: Great store, by the way. You just sell Scottish things here?
Stuart Rankin: That’s right! All Things Scottish. Our slogan is, if it’s no’ Scottish, it’s CRAP!
Customer #1: [ nods ] Okay.
Stuart Rankin: Help yourself to a piece of haggis. [ indicates a plate of samples on toothpicks, next to the cash register ]
Customer #1: [ does so ] Thanks very much.
Stuart Rankin: There you go … all righty. Bye-bye now.
Customer #1: Bye-bye. [ exits the store, and hears the “bagpipes” door chime on his way out ] [ Customer #2 enters the store, and chuckles when she hears the “bagpipes” door chime ]
Stuart Rankin: Welcome to All Things Scottish. If it’s no’ Scottish, it’s CRAP! Can I help you?
Customer #2: Well, yeah, look, it’s a shot in the dark, but I was wondering, do you have these coasters? They’re plaid, and they have Jackie Stewart’s head on them.
Stuart Rankin: Box of six or twelve?
Customer #2: [ suddenly pleased ] Twelve! That’s great.
Stuart Rankin: All righty, there you go. [ places it on the counter ] Seventeen dollars, please.
Customer #2: Seventeen dollars, okay. [ pays him in cash ] Listen, I-I love the way you talk.
Stuart Rankin: Oh, thank you very much.
Customer #2: Yeah. [ giggles ] Okay, thanks a lot. Bye-bye. [ takes her coasters and exits the store ]
Stuart Rankin: Bye-bye.
Customer #2: [ on her way out ] Oh, “It’s a bare breed nicht tinicht”! [ looks unsure if she said it right ]
Stuart Rankin: It sure is. All righty. [ sees her out ]
Customer #2: Oh yeah. Bye.
Stuart Rankin: Bye-bye now.[ as she leaves, Stuart picks up some books from a box by the entrance and places them on the counter. Angus enters the store. ]
Stuart Rankin: You’re late! Get your kilt on!
Angus: Dad, I’m not wearin’ a stupid kilt!
Stuart Rankin: Oh, you’ll wear it or you’ll get a kick in the face, y’little bastard!![ they raise their fists ]
Angus: Dad … we live in America now! No one else wears kilts!
Stuart Rankin: I know no one else wears kilts, but then no one else is Scottish either! You’ll wear it and you’ll like it!!
Angus: I dun’ know …
Stuart Rankin: I’ll kill you, son …
Angus: I dun’ know …
Stuart Rankin: Oh, you’re a dead man now, ya bastard!
Angus: Oh, you make me laugh, wee man!
Stuart Rankin: That’s it! Say goodbye to life!
Angus: Me mum wouldn’a made me wear a stupid kilt!
Stuart Rankin: [ lets down his guard and tears up ] Oh, don’t bring up yer mother! No fair, bastard! I LOVE YOU![ they have a tender moment as they hug each other ]
Stuart Rankin: I love you! It herts! It HERTS!
Angus: I’m sorry. I’ll wear the kilt. [ goes in the back of the store ]
Stuart Rankin: Aww, bringin’ up yer mother like that! Ya know, I just, I get so EMOTIONAL, it herts! All righty, look, we’ve got this shipment of Sean Connery’s, uh, autobiography. Would you mind displaying them please?[ Angus comes out wearing the kilt ]
Stuart Rankin: And by the way, where were you?
Stuart Rankin: Magic![ as Customer #3 enters the store, Stuart goes behind the counter, and Angus walks over to greet her ]
Angus: Welcome to All Things Scottish. Me name’s Angus. Can I help yoo?
Customer #3: Sure, Angus, I’d like to get something Scottish for my dad, like a little leprechaun.
Angus: A leprechaun? Well … leprechauns are, in fact, Irish.
Customer #3: Oh … Irish, Scottish, it’s the same thing.
Stuart Rankin: Oh, it’s the same thing, is it?!? [ whips out a map of Europe and points to it ] HAVE A LOOK AT THE MAP!! THERE’S SCOTLAND! THERE’S IRELAND! THERE’S THE BLOODY SEA!! THEY’RE DIFFERENT, NOW GET OUT!! [ chases her out of the store ] GET OUT! GET OUT, MRS. NO-CAN-READ-A-MAP! GET OUUUUUT!! [ fumes ]
Angus: Dad, I hate it when you shout at the customers like that! Besides, she was cute!
Stuart Rankin: Listen t’me, you’ve no’ got time to go galavanting with every cheap dolly girl that comes into this store! Knock on wood! [ taps on Angus’ head ] If anything should happen to me, you’ve gotta take over this store!
Angus: Dad, I don’t want to take over this shop.
Stuart Rankin: What?
Angus: Dad, I said I don’t want to take over this store.
Stuart Rankin: [ solemnly ] You’ve just committed patricide, son.
Angus: Och, Dad, don’t be so dramatic!
Stuart Rankin: Stick me in a long boat! Set it ablaze! Poosh me out to sea!
Angus: Dad, we’ve been in America for ten years! Everything’s so bloody Scottish! We should sell something American!
Stuart Rankin: Oh aye? Like what?
Stuart Rankin: Pizza? That’s Italian!
Angus: It’s what Americans eat, not blood sausage or suet pie, ya tube! … It’s like all of Scottish cuisine’s based on a dare![ tempers rising ]
Stuart Rankin: You’re startin’ to get insulting, son!
Angus: Well, maybe you deserve to be insulted!
Stuart Rankin: Well, maybe you deserve to be put through a plate glass windah![ they raise their fists ]
Angus: Shame on you, talkin’ like that! You’d nae’ be talkin’ like that if Mum was aroond!
Stuart Rankin: [ tears up ] Oh, don’t bring up yer mother, bastard! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! [ they hug again ]
Angus: Oh … I love you too! I love you, Dad! [ they pause from hugging ]
Stuart Rankin: I love you, it herts! It HERTS!
Angus: I know it hurts. It hurts me too.
Stuart Rankin: I LOVE YOU!! [ they hug again ]
Angus: I love you! [ they stop hugging and sigh of relief ]
Stuart Rankin: Okay, we’ll add pizza.
Angus: Great, Dad.
Stuart Rankin: “All Things Scottish … and Pizza.” All right, hold on here, just so we’re clear, all right … we serve pizza, you take over the store?
Angus: That’s right.
Stuart Rankin: Magic.
Angus: And I don’t have to wear the kilt.
Stuart Rankin: Oh, you’re a sneaky slimy bastard.
Angus: And you’re a stupid old man![ they raise their fists ]
Stuart Rankin: THAT’S IT! Pick a window! Pick a window to go through!
Angus: Oh, look at you! Your wee head’s about to burst like a tomato!
Stuart Rankin: Oh, I’m gonna rip off your head and … spit in yer neck!
Angus: Tell that to Mum!
Stuart Rankin: [ tears up ] Aww, I LOVE YOU!! [ they hug ]
Angus: I love you too!
Stuart Rankin: I LOVE YOU!![ applause, as they continue with the tender moment ] [ fade to black ]
Submitted by: G. Gomez