SNL Transcripts: Kyle McLachlan: 09/29/90: All Things Scottish


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 16: Episode 1

90a: Kyle McLachlan / Sinead O’Connor

All Things Scottish

Stuart Rankin…..Mike Myers
Customer #1…..Kevin Nealon
Customer #2…..Jan Hooks
Angus…..Kyle MacLachlan
Customer #3…..Victoria Jackson

[ Interior, All Things Scottish, day. Fade in on close-up of bag which bears the store’s name. ]

Stuart Rankin: So that’s, eh, one kilt, one Loch Ness Monster, and one bottle of Bell’s Scotch whiskey. That comes to two hundred twenty-two dollars and twenty-seven cents, please.

Customer #1: [ pays Stuart ] There you go. Thank you very much.

Stuart Rankin: Thank you.

Customer #1: Great store, by the way. You just sell Scottish things here?

Stuart Rankin: That’s right! All Things Scottish. Our slogan is, if it’s no’ Scottish, it’s CRAP!

Customer #1: [ nods ] Okay.

Stuart Rankin: Help yourself to a piece of haggis. [ indicates a plate of samples on toothpicks, next to the cash register ]

Customer #1: [ does so ] Thanks very much.

Stuart Rankin: There you go … all righty. Bye-bye now.

Customer #1: Bye-bye. [ exits the store, and hears the “bagpipes” door chime on his way out ] [ Customer #2 enters the store, and chuckles when she hears the “bagpipes” door chime ]

Stuart Rankin: Welcome to All Things Scottish. If it’s no’ Scottish, it’s CRAP! Can I help you?

Customer #2: Well, yeah, look, it’s a shot in the dark, but I was wondering, do you have these coasters? They’re plaid, and they have Jackie Stewart’s head on them.

Stuart Rankin: Box of six or twelve?

Customer #2: [ suddenly pleased ] Twelve! That’s great.

Stuart Rankin: All righty, there you go. [ places it on the counter ] Seventeen dollars, please.

Customer #2: Seventeen dollars, okay. [ pays him in cash ] Listen, I-I love the way you talk.

Stuart Rankin: Oh, thank you very much.

Customer #2: Yeah. [ giggles ] Okay, thanks a lot. Bye-bye. [ takes her coasters and exits the store ]

Stuart Rankin: Bye-bye.

Customer #2: [ on her way out ] Oh, “It’s a bare breed nicht tinicht”! [ looks unsure if she said it right ]

Stuart Rankin: It sure is. All righty. [ sees her out ]

Customer #2: Oh yeah. Bye.

Stuart Rankin: Bye-bye now.

[ as she leaves, Stuart picks up some books from a box by the entrance and places them on the counter. Angus enters the store. ]

Stuart Rankin: You’re late! Get your kilt on!

Angus: Dad, I’m not wearin’ a stupid kilt!

Stuart Rankin: Oh, you’ll wear it or you’ll get a kick in the face, y’little bastard!!

[ they raise their fists ]

Angus: Dad … we live in America now! No one else wears kilts!

Stuart Rankin: I know no one else wears kilts, but then no one else is Scottish either! You’ll wear it and you’ll like it!!

Angus: I dun’ know …

Stuart Rankin: I’ll kill you, son …

Angus: I dun’ know …

Stuart Rankin: Oh, you’re a dead man now, ya bastard!

Angus: Oh, you make me laugh, wee man!

Stuart Rankin: That’s it! Say goodbye to life!

Angus: Me mum wouldn’a made me wear a stupid kilt!

Stuart Rankin: [ lets down his guard and tears up ] Oh, don’t bring up yer mother! No fair, bastard! I LOVE YOU!

[ they have a tender moment as they hug each other ]

Stuart Rankin: I love you! It herts! It HERTS!

Angus: I’m sorry. I’ll wear the kilt. [ goes in the back of the store ]

Stuart Rankin: Aww, bringin’ up yer mother like that! Ya know, I just, I get so EMOTIONAL, it herts! All righty, look, we’ve got this shipment of Sean Connery’s, uh, autobiography. Would you mind displaying them please?

[ Angus comes out wearing the kilt ]

Stuart Rankin: And by the way, where were you?

Angus: Golfin’.

Stuart Rankin: Magic!

[ as Customer #3 enters the store, Stuart goes behind the counter, and Angus walks over to greet her ]

Angus: Welcome to All Things Scottish. Me name’s Angus. Can I help yoo?

Customer #3: Sure, Angus, I’d like to get something Scottish for my dad, like a little leprechaun.

Angus: A leprechaun? Well … leprechauns are, in fact, Irish.

Customer #3: Oh … Irish, Scottish, it’s the same thing.

Stuart Rankin: Oh, it’s the same thing, is it?!? [ whips out a map of Europe and points to it ] HAVE A LOOK AT THE MAP!! THERE’S SCOTLAND! THERE’S IRELAND! THERE’S THE BLOODY SEA!! THEY’RE DIFFERENT, NOW GET OUT!! [ chases her out of the store ] GET OUT! GET OUT, MRS. NO-CAN-READ-A-MAP! GET OUUUUUT!! [ fumes ]

Angus: Dad, I hate it when you shout at the customers like that! Besides, she was cute!

Stuart Rankin: Listen t’me, you’ve no’ got time to go galavanting with every cheap dolly girl that comes into this store! Knock on wood! [ taps on Angus’ head ] If anything should happen to me, you’ve gotta take over this store!

Angus: Dad, I don’t want to take over this shop.

Stuart Rankin: What?

Angus: Dad, I said I don’t want to take over this store.

Stuart Rankin: [ solemnly ] You’ve just committed patricide, son.

Angus: Och, Dad, don’t be so dramatic!

Stuart Rankin: Stick me in a long boat! Set it ablaze! Poosh me out to sea!

Angus: Dad, we’ve been in America for ten years! Everything’s so bloody Scottish! We should sell something American!

Stuart Rankin: Oh aye? Like what?

Angus: Pizza.

Stuart Rankin: Pizza? That’s Italian!

Angus: It’s what Americans eat, not blood sausage or suet pie, ya tube! … It’s like all of Scottish cuisine’s based on a dare!

[ tempers rising ]

Stuart Rankin: You’re startin’ to get insulting, son!

Angus: Well, maybe you deserve to be insulted!

Stuart Rankin: Well, maybe you deserve to be put through a plate glass windah!

[ they raise their fists ]

Angus: Shame on you, talkin’ like that! You’d nae’ be talkin’ like that if Mum was aroond!

Stuart Rankin: [ tears up ] Oh, don’t bring up yer mother, bastard! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! [ they hug again ]

Angus: Oh … I love you too! I love you, Dad! [ they pause from hugging ]

Stuart Rankin: I love you, it herts! It HERTS!

Angus: I know it hurts. It hurts me too.

Stuart Rankin: I LOVE YOU!! [ they hug again ]

Angus: I love you! [ they stop hugging and sigh of relief ]

Stuart Rankin: Okay, we’ll add pizza.

Angus: Great, Dad.

Stuart Rankin: “All Things Scottish … and Pizza.” All right, hold on here, just so we’re clear, all right … we serve pizza, you take over the store?

Angus: That’s right.

Stuart Rankin: Magic.

Angus: And I don’t have to wear the kilt.

Stuart Rankin: Oh, you’re a sneaky slimy bastard.

Angus: And you’re a stupid old man!

[ they raise their fists ]

Stuart Rankin: THAT’S IT! Pick a window! Pick a window to go through!

Angus: Oh, look at you! Your wee head’s about to burst like a tomato!

Stuart Rankin: Oh, I’m gonna rip off your head and … spit in yer neck!

Angus: Tell that to Mum!

Stuart Rankin: [ tears up ] Aww, I LOVE YOU!! [ they hug ]

Angus: I love you too!

Stuart Rankin: I LOVE YOU!!

[ applause, as they continue with the tender moment ] [ fade to black ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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