Dieter…..Mike Myers
Karl-Heinz Shelkar…..Kyle McLachlan

Announcer: Sprockets…Sprockets…West German Television Presents: Sprockets….Mit your host: Dieter.

Dieter: Welcome to Sprockets. Welcome to Sprockets. I am your host, Dieter. First of all I would like to welcome our new affiliates in East Germany who are carrying Sprockets for the first time: LODR – Leipzig Auyste-Deutsch Runfunk. And FKMS – Funzine Karl-Marx-Stadt. Welcome to the Sprockets family. This veek we have a special feature on Sprockets. It is called “Germany’s Most Disturbing Home Videos”.

[Video Overlay: An old man recites: “Germany’s Most Disturbing Home Videos. Ahhhhhhhhh!”]

Dieter: And now I’d like to introduce the man who compiles all the videos for Germany’s Most Disturbing Home Videos. You may know him as the vacky neighbor from Munich TV’s hit comedy “Who Are You to Accuse Me?” Please welcome Karl-Heinz Shelkar. [Karl Heinz enters studio] Welcome to Sprockets Karl-Heinz.

Karl-Heinz: Danka Dieter.

Dieter: Karl Heinz, you are beautiful and angular…and if you were a gas, you’d be inert. How do you go about compiling all of these videos?

Karl-Heinz: Vell Dieter, all of our videos are sent in by ordinary Germans, like you and me. People with video cameras who happen to record the everyday occurrences of the grotesque and the profane.

Dieter: I am so full of anticipation that my genitals have sucked up into my body cavity. Before we begin… before we begin, would you like to touch my Monkey?

Karl-Heinz: I would be honored.

Dieter: Touch him! Love him! Liebe mein affe-mienke! [Karl-Heinz shakes hands with Dieter’s monkey, sitting on a pedestal] Now I am as happy a little girl. Let us see the first video.

[ Videos are shown as described by Karl-Heinz in the next several dialogs ]

Karl-Heinz: The first video was sent in by Colin Hartmen from Dueseldorf. Here is a fat man in a diaper cavorting about in a lawn shprinkler. I guess this proves that old Bavarian saying that a fat man and a shprinkler are soon together.

Dieter: Brilliant. Truly disturbing.

Karl-Heinz: The next disturbing video was sent in by Napoleon Shultz of Breman. In it was see a man distributing leaflets. Another man comes over and read one. Watch what he does. He has kicked the man in the testicles! Look – the pain was so intense he has to vomit.

Dieter: His agony was gorgeous. I need to be slapped.

Karl-Heinz: The next video was sent in by Geurgud Gardner from Baden-baden. Here they have come across the body of a tramp, which in itself is not so disturbing. Until it is turned over to reveal…. ANTS! ANTS! ANTS!

Dieter: Now that’s an ant farm of a different color.

Karl-Heinz: Now this next video was submitted by Wolfie and Kristan Sana from Muenster. It takes places at the Glycofin Gallery in Hanover. Two people…

Dieter: Your setup has become tiresome. Play it! A man and a voman view an installation. Watch what happens. His trousers have fallen down!

Dieter: And now we must vote.

Karl-Heinz: The winner will receive 10,000 marks and a 1990 Chevrolet Geo.

Dieter: Geo. Stylish, sporty, economical. That’s Geo.

Karl-Heinz: Will you vote for Number 1: Fat man in diaper? Number 2: Kicked in the Testicles? Number 3: Ant Face? Or number 4: Trouser gallery?

Dieter: Make your selection.

[Audience votes electronically]

Karl-Heinz: The most disturbing video…is: Trouser Gallery. [The subjects of the Trouser Gallery Video, sitting in the audience are handed an oversized check and car keys]

Dieter: Now’s the time on Sprockets when we dance. [Dieter and Karl-Heinz get up and dance; fellow Germans join them] That’s all the time we have on Sprockets. My guest has been Karl Heinz Shelkar. My name is Dieter…Auf Wiedersehen!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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