Weekend Update with Dennis Miller
Music Intro: Led Zeppelin
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with anchorperson Dennis Miller.
Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you?
This week, President Bush addressed the joint meeting of the International Monetary Fund, and kept four balls in the air for a good thirty seconds.
Also this week, the Bush administration doubled the estimated cost of bailing out the failed Savings & Loan industry, and now say it will cost a staggering $130 billion over the next five years. $130 billion! Can you really grasp what that figure means? Let me put this in layman’s terms for you: if the United States only had one person. he’d have to kick in $130 billion!
In his address to the joint session of Congress last week, President Bush said, “It’s about time we crack down on the aggression of Saddam Hussein.” In keeping with that challenge, sitting right next to Vice-President Quayle – behind the President – was none other than the leader of the Dirty Dozen, Lee Marvin.
At the UN this week, the meeting of the general assembly degenerated when the deposed Emir of Kuwait, Sheik Jabar al Amad al Sabab, began delivering a speech, and other unruly general assembly members began playing Ring Toss with his head.
As of tomorrow, September 30th, the Pentagon’s price tag on its Persian Gulf operation, known as Desert Shield, is $2.5 billion. Don’t they know they don’t have to use the Desert Maxi-Shield, they could save a little money and use the Stay-Free Desert Mini-Shield!
As more and more troops arrive in Saudia Arabia, the military spirit has caught on, and a new marching song has emerged as the battle hymn of the 90’s: “It’s Saudi Doody time!”
Dennis Miller: Dan Rather, Ted Koppel, Bryant Gumbel – all have distinguished themselves, reporting from the Middle East during the current Gulf crisis. Weekend Update has dispatched our own one-man mobile-uplink unit Al Franken to the Gulf. And we go now live to Al in Saudia Arabia, where it is about noon. Al? Hello, Al?
Al Franken: Dennis, I am here on the Arabian peninsula, panning now with my Sony KB-2000, which is mounted on my extended-cam harness.. and I’m beaming my signal with my 1.3 meter parabolic antenna.. up to a satellite back down to you, at 30-
Dennis Miller: Al, you look terrible.
Al Franken: Uh.. yes, Dennis.. I.. am lost. And I’m gonna push in now with my Sony KB-2000 to show the effects of five days of blistering sun.. with nothing to drink.. but my own.. urine.[ camera pans in on Al’s severely chapped lips ]
Dennis Miller: Oh, Al! That’s terrible!
Al Franken: Uh, yes, Dennis.. about five days ago, my high-mobility multi-purpose vehicle.. ran out of gas. I’m gonna pan over there now – it’s a very difficult maneuver.. because the dehydration and 120° heat.. has left me in a weakened state. So weak, in fact, that I am not absolutely certain whether I am actually, uh.. talking to you.. or simply hallucinating.
Dennis Miller: You are talking to me, Al, you’re talking to me..
Al Franken: Well.. I.. I hope so, Dennis..
Dennis Miller: Al, maybe we can get a fix on your location by triangulating your signal.
Al Franken: Well.. I-I-I.. love you, too, Dennis.. I love you all.. In fact.. I’m crying now.. There are no tears as such.. due to the.. severe dehydration..
Dennis Miller: Just hold on, Al!
Al Franken: Dennis.. don’t worry.. everything’s going to be fine.. You know why..? Because I.. I’m gonna go to sleep now, Dennis..
Dennis Miller: No, Al! Do not go to sleep! Hang on!
Al Franken: It’s time to sleep..
Dennis Miller: It’s not time to sleep! Fight it, Al! [ picture fizzles out ] We’re losing him. Al? We lost him. [ pictures returns, with Al laying down on the ground unconcious ] Al, wake up! [ a buzzard swoops in ] No. No. No. Shoo! Shoo! [ the buzzard begins to pick in Al’s eyes ] Aw, nooo.. This is terrible. This is as bad as I’ve ever seen. All we can do is hope for some kind of a miracle.
Supreme Court nominee Judge David Suter was the guest of baseball commissioner Faye Vincent this week at a Baltimore Oriole game, where he was asked to throw out the first ball and the Roe vs. Wade decision.[ show picture of de Klerke and Quayle ]On the left is de Klerke.. and on the right is just plain Duh!
You know, something happened over the summer I felt we just had to comment on: can you believe Washington mayor Marion Barry got off? You know, it’s surprising, because I’ve heard that when you do that much blow, you can’t get off.[ show picture of Saudio women wrapped in cloths with glasses pulled over the cloth ]You know, I betcha she’d look really good if she’d just take off those damn glasses!
Michael Dukakis has announced that he may run again for President of the United States, whereupon every citizen in the state of Massachusetts simultaneously said, “Yeah, right!”
Ronald and Nancy Reagan were traveling last week throughout Europe and visited Berlin, where it was the former president’s job to go back to the hotel and help Nancy take off her make-up.
Out in Hollywood this week, the Motion Picture Association abandoned its controversial X rating in favor of a new category meaning No Children Under 17, to be caled NC-17. And today they announced an additional category: IQ-80.
PBS, to kick off its new season, announced a new five-night series, that will depict a woman with sixteen personalities all in mortal conflict. “The Sybil War” will appear Sunday through Thursday on your local PBS affiliate.
Everybody’d wondering who killed Laura Petrie. I think it was Mel Cooley. Or maybe Pickles.
Last week, in the New York Times, Leona Helmesley took a full-page ad to publish an open letter to Saddam Hussein, condemning him for calling his captive hostages in Kuwait and Baghdad “guests” of his country. Lwon went on to say, “I’ve been in the hotel business for over 25 years; I know guests. These people are not guests; they’re employees!”
Andthe Rev. Al Sharpton recently moved to New Jersey’s suburbs, and everybody in New Jersey moved to Manhatten.
Dennis Miller: Guess what, folks? That’s the news, and I am outta here!