Jack Morgan…..Phil Hartman
Margaret Fletcher…..Jan HooksErica Kane…..Susan Lucci
[ open on game show set filled with glamorous prizes ]
Announcer: Look at this studio, filled with fabulous cash and prizes! All yours for the taking on.. “Game Breakers”! And here’s your host – Jack Morgan![ Jack Morgan enters game show set ]
Jack Morgan: Thank you, and welcome to “Game Breakers”! Thank you, Don Pardo! And welcome to our returning champion – Margaret Fletcher!
Margaret Fletcher: Thank you, Jack!
Jack Morgan: Now, let’s meet your challenger. All the way from Pine Valley – Erica Kane. Hello, Erica.
Erica Kane: Hello, Jack!
Jack Morgan: [ reading from card ] Now, Erica, it says here you’ve been married eight times?
Erica Kane: Ye-es.. but only six were legal!
Jack Morgan: And I understand that you, at one time piloted a helicopter to rescue someone from prison?
Erica Kane: [ slightly embarrassed ] Oh! Well, I was only trying to break my lover out of jail – I do wish I hadn’t told you that!
Jack Morgan: And.. you’ve been kidnapped, survived a plane crash, stared down a grizzly bear.. you have your own line of cosmetics, and you’re the editor of a major magazine.
Erica Kane: [ blushing ] I try to keep busy!
Jack Morgan: Alright. Margaret, you’re the mother of two, and what do you do?
Margaret Fletcher: Well, I work in the home. [ nervous chuckle ]
Jack Morgan: And I’m sure you’re all familiar with our game!
Erica Kane: [ seductively ] Oh, yes, I am, Jack! I watch you every day! And I hope you won’t think that I’m being too forward if I tell you that.. I think you just have such a commanding presence!
Jack Morgan: [ taken aback ] No-o-o.. that’s very nice..[ close-ups reveal Jack and Erica staring intensely at one another, locked in sexual tension ]
Jack Morgan: Alright, let’s play! Don Pardo, tell them what they’re playing for![ show bedroom set ]
Announcer: This beautiful bedroom suite from Brayhill!
Jack Morgan: Alright. Margaret, you’re the champion, so why don’t you pick a category for us.
Margaret Fletcher: “American Presidents” for 200, Jack!
Jack Morgan: “He was the only President to serve two non-consecutive terms.”
Margaret Fletcher: [ buzzes ] Grover Cleveland!
Erica Kane: [ feigning ] Oh, Jack.. I.. uh.. excuse me, but.. I just.. I couldn’t get my buzzer to work. Could you show me, perhaps, what I was doing wrong?
Jack Morgan: Well.. it’s simple. You just put your hand on the button. [ grabs Erica’s hand and positions it on the button ]
Erica Kane: Oh.. look at how much larger your hand is than mine! You have an artsitic streak, don’t you?
Jack Morgan: Why, yesss.. yes, I do.. Just put your hand on the button like this. [ demonstrates by pressing button with Erica’s hand ] [ buzzing sound effect ]
Erica Kane: Grover Cleveland!
Jack Morgan: Cor-rect! And Erica picks up 200 points! And control of the board!
Margaret Fletcher: Excuse me, Jack! I.. I.. I..
Erica Kane: I will take “Bodies of Water” for 400, please!
Jack Morgan: “Which of the Great Lakes is located entirely in the U.S.?”
Margaret Fletcher: [ buzzes ] Lake Michigan!
Erica Kane: Oh, Jack.. I don’t mean to be a problem, but I pressed my buzzer too late that time. Could I do it again?
Jack Morgan: [ uneasy ] Well.. there are rules.. [ chuckles nervously ]
Erica Kane: Please?
Jack Morgan: O-o-okay.. “Which of the Great Lakes is located..?”
Erica Kane: [ buzzes ] Lake Michigan!!
Jack Morgan: That’s cor-rect!
Jack Morgan’s Inner Thought: What’s happening to me? Am I losing all sense of fairness? I’m a game show host.. I’ve got to be impartial. But, God help me, she’s the most fascinating woman I’ve ever met.
Margaret Fletcher: [ waving ] Excuse me, Jack..? I-I-I believe that I-I rang in before Erica did!
Jack Morgan: [ scoffs ] Well.. Margaret, isn’t there a chance that you could be wrong?
Margaret Fletcher: Well, I think.. I think I ought to know when I rang my own buzzer, Jack!
Jack Morgan: Please. Margaret, it’s Ercia’s turn.
Erica Kane: “Show Business” for 500, Jack!
Jack Morgan: “He won an Oscar for ‘Marty’.”
Erica Kane: [ buzzes ] Oh, um.. it’s on the tip of my tongue..[ time-out buzzer ]
Margaret Fletcher: [ buzzes ] Ernest-
Erica Kane: Ernest Borgnine!
Jack Morgan: Cor-rect, for 500!
Margaret Fletcher: Jack, those are my 500 points! I know I said Ernest Borgnine first!
Erica Kane: Margaret, you’re lying. You know you are.
Margaret Fletcher: No! I’m not lying!
Erica Kane: Margaret, you’re tired and you’re desperate to win, and you’re lying.
Margaret Fletcher: No! I’m not lying, Erica! I rang in, and I started to say Ernest Borgnine-
Erica Kane: Oh, you started to say Ernest Borgnine! I hope everyone is listening here – you started to say Ernest Borgine?! I love it! You are so pathetic, Margaret! you and your tissue of lies!
Margaret Fletcher: [ near tears ] Those are my 500 points, Erica Kane, and I want them back!![ a catfight breaks out ]
Jack Morgan: Mrs. Fletcher! Please!
Erica Kane: She tried to hurt me, Jack!
Margaret Fletcher: [ crying ] It’s just that I know that I rang my buzzer in before she did, Jack! I know that, I did!
Jack Morgan: [ stern ] Leave her alone, Margaret. Haven’t you done enough already?
Margaret Fletcher: Well.. I-I-I know that-
Jack Morgan: Don. Let’s take a break.
Announcer: Alright, Jack! Transportation for “Game Breakers” is provided by TransEastern Airlines. At Transeastern, we don’t love to fly, but we keep the feeling hidden.
While in Los Angeles, conteatants stay at sleep ‘N Save! Sleep ‘N Save, because every hotel room looks the same in the dark.[ dissolve back to Jack, still holding his game show cards, but in bed with Erica on the game show set ]
Jack Morgan: Oh, God.. we’re back. And, Erica.. you have control of the board.
Erica Kane: [ smiling ] “World Capitols” for 300.
Jack Morgan: “It’s called.. The City of Light.”
Erica Kane: Paris![ buzzer sounds ]
Jack Morgan: You’re right. You’re so very right..[ show rear camera angle from between Jack and Erica in bed, to show Margaret faraway on the game show set ]
Margaret Fletcher: [ waving desperately ] Yoo-hoo! Jack! Hello? Could you speak up?! I can’t.. I can’t hear so well from here!
Erica Kane: [ yelling ] “World Capitols” for 600!
Margaret Fletcher: Oh.
Jack Morgan: “Argentina”.[ Jack and Erica break into a passionate kiss, as Margaret struggles from far away ]
Margaret Fletcher: [ pounding buzzer ferociously ] Beunos Aires! Jack! I know the answer! Buenos Aires!![ dissolve to collection of prizes ]
Announcer: Some members of our studio audience will receive Party Improver; invite Party Improver to your next party, and watch your party improve. And Tick-Off; simply the finest tick repellent money can buy – and Tick-Away, its chief competitor. Jack, back to you.[ dissolve back to Jack ]
Jack Morgan: Thank you, Don. We’re back, and Erica still has control of the board.. and she’s about to make me the happiest man in the world.[ reveal Don Pardo serving duty as a minister, with Erica dressed in bridal gown next to smiling Jack ]
Don Pardo: Will the bride and the groom please join hands? She’s the most fascinating woman I’ve ever seen!
Jack Morgan: We’re ready.
Margaret Fletcher: Don’t do this, Jack! She’s only using you!
Don Pardo: If any man here knows any reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now. You have fifteen seconds.[ the clock ticks ]
Gene Rayburn: I believe I have an objection!
Erica Kane: Gene!
Gene Rayburn: Yes. Yes, Mrs. Erica Kane-Martin-Brent-Carnegie-Chandler-Montgomery-Montgomery-Rayburn!
Erica Kane: [ aghast ] Gene, what are you doing here?
Gene Rayburn: I was in town taping “Circus of the Stars”! I believe you’ve met my friends Siegfried & Roy![ show Siegfried & Roy ]
Jack Morgan: You’re very clever, Rayburn. But it won’t work! I’ll have Erica Kane for my wife, and nothing and no one will stop me!
Erica Kane: [ screaming, as Siegfried & Roy’s panther tears her apart ] I am Erica Kane!!
Jack Morgan: No!
Announcer: Tune in tomorrow for another episode of “Game Breakers”. This is Don Pardo speaking.[ fade ]