Susan Lucci’s Monologue


Susan Lucci’s Monologue

…..Susan Lucci
…..Victoria Jackson
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Jan Hooks
…..David Spade
…..Mike Myers


Susan Lucci: That is so nice, thank you so much! Thank you! [ laughs ] Ah, “Saturday Night Live” – here I am hosting “Saturday Night Live”, I cannot think of a bigger thrill in my life.. except, maybe, that Emmy? Most of you may know me from the character I play on “All My Children” – Erica Kane. I have to tell you, though, I’m really nothing like that character, like that schemeing, self-centered Erica Kane. For one thing, Erica’s been married eight times; I’ve only been married once, to the same sweet, wonderful man for sixteen years now – I have had countless affairs.. but I always come back to the same sweet, wonderful man! He’s the father of.. one of my two children.

I just said all that for a laugh. That’s why I wanted to do this show. I wanted to work in front of a live audience, and hear you laugh. We once tried a live audience at “All My Children”, but they just didn’t laugh. Oh, you’d hear an occasional cough. Mainly people would just yell out things, like, “Don’t marry her! You’re just a pawn in her game!” “Uh-oh! He’s coming to walk in on you now, put your clothes back on!” So we got rid of the audience.

But, anyway, here I am doing this show! Everybody has been so terrific to work with this week, it’s been a great week. Except for one minor incident..

[ camera breaks into a flashback sequence ]

Susan Lucci V/O: ..it really was not worth flashing back to..

[ flashback shows Susan’s point-of-view, as she’s prepped for the live show ]

Hair Stylist: Okay, Susan, this wig looks great. We’ll just brush your hair out for the monologue now, okay? [ brushes hair ] There. That looks good. You had a really good dress rehearsal. Here. What do you think, Sylvia?

Second Hairsylist: It’s nice. Nice.

Victoria Jackson: Susan? Susan, are you almost ready?

Susan Lucci: Yeah, just about. Thanks, Gloria, you have been so helpful! Really.

Hair Stylist: Oh, no problem. I was just doing my job.

[ Susan’s viewpoint falls upon an Emmy standing on the counter ]

Susan Lucci V/O: Wow.. is.. is that your Emmy?

Victoria Jackson: That’s one of her Emmys! She’s got three!

Hair Stylist: Well, you know, I’ve been in the business about five years, so..

Victoria Jackson: Susan, they want you to go over to wardrobe, and get in a costume thing. Come on.

[ Susan’s viewpoint strolls over to Wardrobe ]

Wardrobe Personnel: There you are! Susan. I want to try this tiara for the next sketch. [ places tiara over Susan’s head ] You know, it’s nice. But I have a couple of more that I want to try. [ Susan’s gaze falls upon 3? Emmy’s on the table ] No, honey, these are Emmys. Back here.

Victoria Jackson: [ holding up two Emmys ] Steven, are these the two Emmys you won for that Very Special “Benson”?

Wardrobe Personnel: Oh, I don’t know, Victoria.. check the inscriptions.

[ Kevin Nealon enters, an Emmy medallion around his neck ]

Kevin Nealon: Susan? Susan? Hi, Susan. I think they need you over in Make-up over there. [ Susan’s gaze falls upon Kevin’s Emmy ] Oh? You like this? I gave my other two to my parents! Come on!

Jan Hooks: Hey! Hey, Susan! Hey, you were great in Dress – you excited? you excited? Good! [ shakes wobbly make-up table ] Look at this, my make-up table is broken, can you believe that? [ looks around ] Hey, can somebody help me here, please? Make-up table’s broken. [ Union employee Howard enters ] Hi, Howard. [ Howard places an Emmy under the short leg of the make-up table ] Ohh.. Howard. you’re a life saver.

Howard: It’s only an Emmy, Miss Hooks.

Kevin Nealon: This way, Susan. Susan? Come on.

Victoria Jackson: I didn’t know Howard had an Emmy!

Kevin Nealon: He’s Union – he shows up, he does his job, right?

[ Susan’s gaze falls upon a carpenter using an Emmy to hammer a nail into the wall ]

Victoria Jackson: Susan? Are you alright? Are you okay?

Kevin Nealon: Maybe we should get you a soda, Susan. Come on, follow me.

Victoria Jackson: I guess she’s a little down because she’s never won an Emmy..

Kevin Nealon: Oh, Susan.. you’re gonna win one. Besides, it’s just a statue. you know – a symbol of excellence. [ they enter the dinning area ] Okay, here we are!

[ Susan’s gaze falls upon David Spade and other cast members eating corn-on-the-cob, using Emmy’s as cornholders ]

Kevin Nealon: Susan? Susan, did you eat dinner? There’s plenty of corn over here.

Mike Myers: Hey, everybody! Hey, everybody! Emmy Fight!!

[ Myers and everyone else in the orom begin throwing rubber Emmys at one another, as Susan quickly makes her exit to salvation ]

[ flashback dissolves back to Susan at Center Stage ]

Susan Lucci: Fortunately, they caught me at the elevator. I was hysterical, but they whacked me over the head with an Emmy, and now I’m fine. Anyway.. we’ve got a great show, with Hothouse Flowers, so stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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