Susan Lucci’s Monologue


Susan Lucci’s Monologue

…..Susan Lucci
…..Victoria Jackson
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Jan Hooks
…..David Spade
…..Mike Myers

Susan Lucci: That is so nice, thank you so much! Thank you! [ laughs ] Ah, “Saturday Night Live” – here I am hosting “Saturday Night Live”, I cannot think of a bigger thrill in my life.. except, maybe, that Emmy? Most of you may know me from the character I play on “All My Children” – Erica Kane. I have to tell you, though, I’m really nothing like that character, like that schemeing, self-centered Erica Kane. For one thing, Erica’s been married eight times; I’ve only been married once, to the same sweet, wonderful man for sixteen years now – I have had countless affairs.. but I always come back to the same sweet, wonderful man! He’s the father of.. one of my two children.

I just said all that for a laugh. That’s why I wanted to do this show. I wanted to work in front of a live audience, and hear you laugh. We once tried a live audience at “All My Children”, but they just didn’t laugh. Oh, you’d hear an occasional cough. Mainly people would just yell out things, like, “Don’t marry her! You’re just a pawn in her game!” “Uh-oh! He’s coming to walk in on you now, put your clothes back on!” So we got rid of the audience.

But, anyway, here I am doing this show! Everybody has been so terrific to work with this week, it’s been a great week. Except for one minor incident..

[ camera breaks into a flashback sequence ]

Susan Lucci V/O: really was not worth flashing back to..

[ flashback shows Susan’s point-of-view, as she’s prepped for the live show ]

Hair Stylist: Okay, Susan, this wig looks great. We’ll just brush your hair out for the monologue now, okay? [ brushes hair ] There. That looks good. You had a really good dress rehearsal. Here. What do you think, Sylvia?

Second Hairsylist: It’s nice. Nice.

Victoria Jackson: Susan? Susan, are you almost ready?

Susan Lucci: Yeah, just about. Thanks, Gloria, you have been so helpful! Really.

Hair Stylist: Oh, no problem. I was just doing my job.

[ Susan’s viewpoint falls upon an Emmy standing on the counter ]

Susan Lucci V/O: Wow.. is.. is that your Emmy?

Victoria Jackson: That’s one of her Emmys! She’s got three!

Hair Stylist: Well, you know, I’ve been in the business about five years, so..

Victoria Jackson: Susan, they want you to go over to wardrobe, and get in a costume thing. Come on.

[ Susan’s viewpoint strolls over to Wardrobe ]

Wardrobe Personnel: There you are! Susan. I want to try this tiara for the next sketch. [ places tiara over Susan’s head ] You know, it’s nice. But I have a couple of more that I want to try. [ Susan’s gaze falls upon 3? Emmy’s on the table ] No, honey, these are Emmys. Back here.

Victoria Jackson: [ holding up two Emmys ] Steven, are these the two Emmys you won for that Very Special “Benson”?

Wardrobe Personnel: Oh, I don’t know, Victoria.. check the inscriptions.

[ Kevin Nealon enters, an Emmy medallion around his neck ]

Kevin Nealon: Susan? Susan? Hi, Susan. I think they need you over in Make-up over there. [ Susan’s gaze falls upon Kevin’s Emmy ] Oh? You like this? I gave my other two to my parents! Come on!

Jan Hooks: Hey! Hey, Susan! Hey, you were great in Dress – you excited? you excited? Good! [ shakes wobbly make-up table ] Look at this, my make-up table is broken, can you believe that? [ looks around ] Hey, can somebody help me here, please? Make-up table’s broken. [ Union employee Howard enters ] Hi, Howard. [ Howard places an Emmy under the short leg of the make-up table ] Ohh.. Howard. you’re a life saver.

Howard: It’s only an Emmy, Miss Hooks.

Kevin Nealon: This way, Susan. Susan? Come on.

Victoria Jackson: I didn’t know Howard had an Emmy!

Kevin Nealon: He’s Union – he shows up, he does his job, right?

[ Susan’s gaze falls upon a carpenter using an Emmy to hammer a nail into the wall ]

Victoria Jackson: Susan? Are you alright? Are you okay?

Kevin Nealon: Maybe we should get you a soda, Susan. Come on, follow me.

Victoria Jackson: I guess she’s a little down because she’s never won an Emmy..

Kevin Nealon: Oh, Susan.. you’re gonna win one. Besides, it’s just a statue. you know – a symbol of excellence. [ they enter the dinning area ] Okay, here we are!

[ Susan’s gaze falls upon David Spade and other cast members eating corn-on-the-cob, using Emmy’s as cornholders ]

Kevin Nealon: Susan? Susan, did you eat dinner? There’s plenty of corn over here.

Mike Myers: Hey, everybody! Hey, everybody! Emmy Fight!!

[ Myers and everyone else in the orom begin throwing rubber Emmys at one another, as Susan quickly makes her exit to salvation ] [ flashback dissolves back to Susan at Center Stage ]

Susan Lucci: Fortunately, they caught me at the elevator. I was hysterical, but they whacked me over the head with an Emmy, and now I’m fine. Anyway.. we’ve got a great show, with Hothouse Flowers, so stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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