Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 16: Episode 2
90b: Susan Lucci / Hothouse Flowers
I Will Not Cry
Coworker 1…..Jan Hooks
Coworker 2…..Susan Lucci
Coworker 3…..Victoria Jackson
Leslie…..Mike Myers
Jesus…..Phil Hartman
[Three women, in office break room]
Coworker #1: I cannot believe that Leslie is leaving.
Coworker #3: I know. Eight years, that’s a long time.
Coworker 1: Yeah…
Coworker #2: I’m not so sure that this party was a good idea, you know how…sensitive Leslie is.
Leslie: (walking in to their surprise) Hi girls.
Coworker 1: Oh… whoops.
Leslie: What’s going on here?
Coworker 2: Oh Leslie, it’s your last day and we thought, well, we figured that we would just give you a surprise going-away party.
Leslie: Come on, guys, you know I hate these things.
Coworker 1: I know, I know, but Leslie you’re like a brother to us.
Coworker 3: You know, I don’t think of you as someone I work with, I think of you as one of my closest and dearest friends.
Coworker 2: Oh, that goes for me too, Leslie.
Coworker 1: We love you Leslie.
Leslie: Oh, well thank you, that means a lot to me. I feel the same way. (Avoiding tears.) There, it’s started. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry. I will not cry. I will not cry. As the lord Jesus is my witness, I will not cry.
Coworker 2: Don’t you start crying or I’ll start crying.
Leslie: (still avoiding tears) Well if you start crying I’ll certainly start crying. And I promised I would not cry. As the lord Jesus, the only son of God, is my witness, I will not cry.
Coworker 3: Come on Leslie, there’s nothing to be sad about, I mean, we’ll see each other soon.
Coworker 1: Yeah, I mean, after all, you’re just movin’ to another section of the building. You know, I tell you what, come on…let’s have Champagne, huh? How about that?
Coworker 3: Yeah…
Leslie: You’re right. I feel a lot better. I feel a lot better. There, I’m gonna be okay. Okay. All right. I feel a lot better.
Coworker 1: Good. Go with it, go with it. There ya go.
Leslie: To friends.
All: To friends.
Leslie: Ahh, woo, I feel a lot better.
Coworker 2: You know, think about it Leslie, now at least you won’t have Mr. Saunders bossing you around.
Leslie: Exactly.
Coworker 1: Mm. You know, old man Mr. Saunders sometimes I think is the meanest man in the world.
Coworker 2: Aw, you got that one right.
Coworker 3: Except sometimes he’s the sweetest man in the world like last Christmas when he gave us those huge bonuses.
Leslie: You’re right, you know in a weird way I– I’m gonna miss Mr. Saunders, you know, I mean, despite his crusty exterior, he’s a good guy. (Avoiding tears again.) Oh no, it’s started again, you know. I promised I wouldn’t cry, you know. Huh. As the lord Jesus, who died on the cross and was a carpenter who turned loaves into fishes is my witness, I will not cry.
Coworker 2: Oh, come on now Leslie, I mean just because Mr. Saunders gave us Christmas bonuses, doesn’t mean he isn’t nasty.
Leslie: You’re right I just got carried away. There, it’s passed.
Coworker 2: Good.
Coworker 1: Good, come on, let’s have some cake, want to? Oh, if you want coffee we’re gonna have to have another mug.
Leslie: Oh, I’ll get my mug.
Coworker 1: You got your mug, good.
Leslie: All right, let’s go.
Coworker 1: All right.
Coworker 2: Here goes.
Coworker 3: Oh Leslie, I can’t believe it, you still use that Eisenhower mug from years ago.
Coworker 2: Oh I’m gonna miss that mug.
Leslie: (avoiding now until end of scene) And I’m gonna miss you missing that mug.
Coworker 1: Leslie what’s wrong?
Leslie: I don’t know but I tell you this. I will not cry.
Coworker 2: If you start to cry, I’m gonna lose it.
Leslie: Well I’m not going to cry, all right, so you don’t have to worry, okay?
Coworker 3: Well I’m gonna cry. I’m gonna miss you.
Coworker 1: Me, too. Me, too.
(all three women start crying)
Leslie: Well cry as you might I will not cry. Don’t misunderstand me–I will miss you, make no mistake of that. But I am not going to cry. As the lord Jesus who was born in a manger only to become the king of the Jews is my witness, I will not cry. Now if you girls will excuse me, I’m gonna go into the next room and I’m gonna try and collect myself, okay? Okay. All right. I’m not gonna cry, all right?
[Leslie goes to other room]
Leslie: (from other room) I will not cry. I will not cry. Oh man, this is pointless.
*Bang!*
All: Oh my god! Leslie! Leslie!
[Leslie ascends to heaven]
[In heaven–musical version of “Unchained Melody” plays]
Leslie: Where am I?
Jesus: You’re in heaven.
Leslie: Who are you?
Jesus: I am Jesus.
Leslie: I feel such a tremendous sense of well-being.
Jesus: As it should be.
Leslie: Tell me, will I ever see those people again?
Jesus: No.
Leslie: Oh, that’s too bad because I’m gonna miss them. But I am not going to cry. I am not going to cry. As, well, I guess, you, are my witness, I will not cry.
[Leslie breaks into tears.]
Leslie: Now I’m starting to cry, you know and I promised I wouldn’t.
Jesus: Let it out.
Leslie: (crying in Jesus’ arms, trailing off) Ya make these promises you know and they’re so hard to can’t keep.
Submitted by: Jere Smith
