Her First Period


Her First Period

Mrs. Schroeder…..Susan Lucci
Missy…..Victoria Jackson
Valerie…..Jan Hooks
Caterer…..Rob Schneider
Uncle Rob…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on big-boned Missy sitting alone in the sun room, as her mother, Mrs. Schroeder, enters ]

Mrs. Schroeder: Missy? What are you doing in here? The party’s out in the garden.

Missy: I don’t feel too good, Mom.. I’d rather stay in here.

Mrs. Schroeder: But it’s your big sister’s going-away college party. She wants her little sister at the party!

Missy: Mom, I don’t fit in with Valerie’s friends, Mom – I’m twelve.

Mrs. Schroeder: But you don’t look it! you’re big! You’re a great big twelve-year old! Come on, honey!

Missy: Well.. my feel kinda hurt. I think those shoes you bought me are too small.

Mrs. Schroeder: Oh, no, sweetheart – they can’t be, they’re enormous!

Missy: I.. think I have cramps..

Mrs. Schroeder: Ohhh.. oh! My little girl is going to grow into a great big woman today! Oh, my.. You’re becoming a member of that lcub called “Womanhood”!

Missy: Really?

Mrs. Schroeder: Oh, yes, baby! It’s a wonderful, mysterious club. It isn’t a hard club to get into, but.. it’s a club.. and nobody can kick you out.

[ Valerie storms in ]

Valerie: Mother! The caterer’s asking me where to put the cake – like I know!

Mrs. Schroeder: Well, Valerie, we have a little surprise today – Missy is about to take that step into Womanhood!

Valerie: Ohh, you’re getting your period, huh? It’s about time – you’re huge!

[ Caterer enters ]

Caterer: Mrs. Schroeder? I’ve got these instructions on where to put the cake, and there’s a fountain there. You want me to put the cake in the fountain?

Mrs. Schroeder: No, I-I-I don’t. Sorry I didn’t get back to you, but.. my baby is ovulating!

Caterer: [ excited ] Alright!

Missy: [ embarrassed ] Mo-o-omm!

[ Mrs. Schroeder exits with Caterer, leaving the two sisters alone ]

Valerie: God.. does she drive you crazy?

Missy: Well.. no..

Valerie: She drives me crazy. I told her that I did not want a party. I told her I want to go to a Poison concert with all my friends, and rent a limo and jsut cruise around all night. You are so lucky Mom doesn’t like you!

Missy: Mom likes me! [ tears well up ]

Valerie: Right.

[ Mrs. Schroeder re-enters, with Uncle Rob ]

Mrs. Schroeder: I’m back! And look who I found! You remember Uncle Rob.

Missy: Hi, Uncle Rob!

Uncle Rob: Hi! So, your mom tells me you’re getting your period, huh?

Missy: [ upset ] Mom! I can’t believe you told him that!

Mrs. Schroeder: Well, now, honey.. I’m sure he would have figured it out himself! Your face is all puffy, and you’re all bloated.. But, listen, the good news is that I hear girls stop their growth once they start menstruating!

Missy: Mom, do we have to discuss this?!

Mrs. Schroeder: Well, forgive me for finding something positive to say! It’s just that you have to stop growing sometime.

Valerie: No, unless you take after Aunt Esther.

Uncle Rob: [ chuckling ] She was a cow huh?

Mrs. Schroeder: But Aunt Esther was never pretty, and you’re pretty, honey, yes you are! If you would just stand up straight and get that hair back off your face. [ pulls Missy’s hair back ] Yes. Oh, yes.. there. There. Isn’t she prettier than Aunt Esther?

Uncle Rob: [ examining carefully ] Mmm.. well, yeah! Around the eyes here.. sure.

Mrs. Schroeder: Rob, you go take Valerie back to the party, okay? Because I want to have a talk with Missy.

Uncle Rob: Okay. Come on, Valerie.

Valerie: Okay!

[ Uncle Rob and Valerie exit ]

Mrs. Schroeder: [ sits next to Missy ] Oh, honey. Oh, your life’s about to change! You’re going to meet new people.. young men wil start to pay attentionto you. hey will. They really will. But, remember – they only want one thing; and they want it all the time. But someday, if you’re lucky, and you slim down some, you’ll meet a man who you’ll want to spend the rest of your life with! [ thinking ] Of course, he’ll want it, too., but he’ll want it only from you, and he’ll want it a lot. In fact, sometimes you’ll just wonder if he’ll ever stop wanting it. Eventually, he will. And then you’ll wonder, “Did he just stop wanting it from me, or did he just stop wanting it? And if he still wants it, where is he getitng it?” Well, it just fills your little head with all sorts of confusion and things – look, what I’m saying is.. these are the good times! You are never going to be happier than you are right now!

Missy: [ not too happy to hear that ] Really?

Mrs. Schroeder: That’s right! [ looks at Missy ] Oh, well, now, come on, sweetheart! Just go back down to that party now, and have a good time, alright? Don’t let me see any cake on your plate, ’cause, remember – we’re going to lose thirty pounds by Christmas!

[ they exit sun room, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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