Carl’s Quick Stop


Carl’s Quick Stop

Pete the Head Supervisor…..Phil Hartman
Carl the Manager…..George Steinbrenner
Steve…..Kevin Nealon
Hungover Employee…..Chris Farley

Pete the Head Supervisor at Carl’s Quick-Stop is disgusted by the increasing number of employees who aren’t performing their jobs, so he decided to address the issue with Carl the manager.

Pete: It’s about Steve. He’s not working out.

Carl: Well, what should we do? Do you think I should talk to him again?

Pete: No, Carl.. I think it’s time you let him go.

Carl: You mean, fire him?

Pete: I don’t think you have a choice. He’s not doing his job, he doesn’t show up half the time, and when he does he’s rude to the customers.

Carl: Geez, it just seems firing so extreme. How about if we just give him a warning? A warning can be very effective, you know?

Pete: Carl, this can’t continue! You’ve got twenty people on the payroll, and only five real jobs. Three employees are out there operating a cash register. You’ve got to start somewhere! I’ll go get him. [ exits office ]

Carl: [ alone, worried ] How? How do you fire a man? How do you look in his eye and tell him he’s no longer needed? Who am I to judge another man?

[ Pete returns to the office with Steve, who’s dressed sloppily, eating potato chips and listening to a Walkman ]

Steve: You wanted to see me, Sir?

Carl: Yeah. Yeah, I guess I did. [ Pete asks Steve to take his headphones off, as Carl struggles for the right thing to say ] Steve, I think it’s just.. that your performance has been.. Pete said that, uh.. well.. well, uh.. how do you think you’re doing here?

Steve: Hmm.. I don’t know. I kinda like it.

Carl: Well, that’s good! That’s good! That’s important.

Steve: Well, is there anything else?

Carl: No.. That’s it, I.. I.. you know, I just wanted to say Hi.

Steve: Oh. Okay. Alright.

Carl: You take care. Goodbye. [ Steve exits ]

Pete: [ upset ] Carl!

Carl: It’s just I can’t.. I can’t fire people, it’s not in my nature.

Pete: You can’t keep saying that. If an employee isn’t delivering what you expect of them, you have to fire them!

Carl: Why? Where is it written if you don’t get results right away, you fire people? What kind of asinine policy is that?

Pete: Carl! It’s just good business!

Carl: That’s where you’re wrong! It’s not good business! You can’t have people worried all the time that they’ll be fired if they make one mistake. That’s lunacy! Only a jackass would run his business that way!

Pete: Carl, this is the way it works: an unsatisfied owner fires people!

Carl: A stupid owner! A stupid, arrogant, shortsighted owner. The kind of guy who blames everybody but himself! How would you like it everytime something went wrong, I just blamed you, the supervisor, huh? Let’s just fire the supervisor! Then I’ll hire some other guy, and something would go wrong and I’d fire him, and I’d probably rehire you! Then fire you again, bring in someone else, then fire him and rehire you again! Then fire and hire, back and forth until the whole thing’s just a big joke! Is that the kind of owner you want? Some yammering nincompoop in a fancy suit? No way you take that road, ’cause before you know it, you’ll probably be banned from running the entire company.

Pete: You know what? You’re right. Thank God the kind of boss you described only exists in our worst nightmares! Because if he did exist, I’d be so sick, I don’t think I could stand the sight of him.

[ a hungover employee enters the office staggering ]

Hungover Employee: Hey, Boss. I wasa at a party last night.. I got pretty drunk, and I was wondering if I could knock off early?
Carl: Take the rest of the day off. And if you’re still hung over tomorrow, just come back next week – we’ll be here for you.

Hungover Employee: Thanks, Boss.

Carl: Okay. I’ll walk you to your car.

[ Carl exits with the hungover employee, leaving Pete alone in the office ]

Pete: [ to himself ] There goes the opposite of a horrible man.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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