Weekend Update with Dennis Miller
Tom Arnold…..Chris Farley
Roseanne Arnold…..Victoria Jackson
Music Intro: “Dance to The Music”, Sly & the Family Stone
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with anchorperson Dennis Miller.
Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you?
Earlier this week, House Democrats and the White House differed on a proposed shut-down time for the American Government. In lieu of an acceptable budget agreement, Democrats wanted the government to shut down at 6pm Wednesday, whereas the White House wanted the government to shut down at 6am Wednesday. Eventually, they hammered out a compromise shut-down time of 12:45 pm Wednesday, right after lunch. To celebrate the agreement, the President attempted to pose for a picture with Democratic leaders, but they could not agree on an F-stop setting for the camera.
Mikhael Gorbachev, this week, was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, which includes a reward of more than $700,000. Gorbachev says he will use the money to double his country’s Gross National Product.
Though most agree the Soviet leader deserves the award, some suspect a little backstage campaigning that swung the vote.
Dennis Miller: Turning to sports, there’s a big fight coming up next week, and here with some comments and insight is “Weekend Update” correspondent Chris Rock. Welcome, Chris!
Chris Rock: Thank you, Dennis! Next week, Evander Holyfield fights Buster Douglas for the Heavyweight Championship of the World. Now, I went to place a bet on the fight, and I found out that Evander Holyfield is the favorite! I have nothing against Evander, but didn’t Buster Douglas knock Mike Tyson out? Doesn’t that mean anything? What does a guy have to do to be favorite – kill Godzilla? Now, I’m at home the other night watching some old boxing movies, and by far the strangest one had to be “Rocky IV”. I’m sitting there thinking to myself, “Two white guys fighting for the Heavyweight Championship of the World? Boy, that Spielberg’s something else!” I mean, let’s face it: white guys cannot box! Black guys fight better. Puerto Ricans fight even better. I guess the lower you go on the social ladder, the better you fight. For every good Puerto Rican fighter, there’s an American Indian waiting to kick his ass! I feel so sorry for the Indians, man, because we took.. well, we didn’t take.. you people took their land, and now they have nothing. Everybody exploits the Indians – you’ve got Mazola commercials, you’ve got “F-Troop”, the Washington Redskins.. Washington Redskins, that’s not nice! That’s a racial slur! That’s kind of like having the New York Niggers, okay? [ sighs ] Uh, Dennis, what was I talking about?
Dennis Miller: I think you were talking about Boxing.
Chris Rock: Yeah, I’ve got Buster Douglas in the eighth.
Dennis Miller: I hear that. Thank you. Chris Rock, ladies and gentlemen.
Effective this week, AT&T will no longer be saying, “Thank you for using AT&T.” Starting tomorrow, all AT&T operators will say, “Thank you for not using Sprint or MCI.”
This is lance corporal Corey Keeling of Redding California spooning chili into insulated containers to be served to our troops in the Saudi desert. Nothing a soldier likes more in the middle of the desert than a big steaming bowl of chili, huh? “Yeah, listen guys, I’m goin’ into Hell. Can I get a jalapeño to suck on?”
Dennis Miller: And, in entertainment news, Roseanne Barr and Tom Arnold have announced that they are suing the National Enquirer for $35 million. We’ve got them on live remote from California. Rosie! Tom! Welcome! How are you guys?[ Tom and Roseanne live via satellite ]
Tom Arnold: Look, you don’t have to answer that!
Roseanne Arnold:It’s fine, honey. We’re fine, Dennis.
Dennis Miller: Okay now, a $35 million lawsuit, why?
Roseanne Arnold: Oh.. well, like, 35’s, like, my lucky number, and everything, you know? And, like, that’s the day I met Tom, on March 5th..
Tom Arnold: That’s my lucky number, too! I love you, honey.
Roseanne Arnold: I love you, too, honey! [ they start hugging and kissing, grossing Dennis out ]
Dennis Miller: Guys! Guys! Why are you suing, guys?
Roseanne Arnold: Oh! Like, Dennis, you know, we don’t have any skeletons in our closet or anything..
Tom Arnold: What skeletons could we have that we don’t already have?!
Roseanne Arnold: We don’t have anything left. Like, we ain’t got nothing. It’s, like, maybe I fired, like, two or 500 people, or something. And maybe Tom went to a drug clinic, you know?
Tom Arnold: I got in the taxi and went for treatment!
Roseanne Arnold: Yeah! But, like, they said our tattoo was on our butt, and that is a lie! Our tattoo is right here.. [ indicates the small of her back ]
Tom Arnold: [ lifts his shirt near his butt and points to the small of his back ] This is not our butt, Dennis! That is not our butt!
Roseanne Arnold: We are mad!
Tom Arnold: [ jumping to the foot of the camera ] The media is scum! They’re not even people!
Roseanne Arnold: [ jumping to the foot of the camera behind Tom ] We’re gonna win! ‘Cause we’re, like, really mad and everything!
Tom Arnold: [ grabbing Roseanne ] We’re ready to fight!
Roseanne Arnold: [ grabbing Tom, kissing him ] Yeah, we’re ready to fight! We’re really mad..! [ she topples over Tom and kisses him uncontrollably, as they roll over one another ]
Dennis Miller: [ disgusted, holding his hand in front of the screen ] No! Stop! Stop! Turn it off! [ screen goes blank ] Did I just see what I think I saw? I felt like I was above the Grand Canyon in a helicopter..
New York Mayor David Dinkins has approved a new plan to pay a $5,000 reward to anyone willing to snitch on someone who may have cheated on their taxes. Immediately following the proposal, Dinkins finally admitted to allegations to not filing his own tax returns for four consecutive years, and paid himself $20,000.
And, as a last resort to save Atlantic City’s Taj Mahal, Donald Trump has finally decided to sell all that he has left: the former millionaire’s ego will be auctioned off at Christie’s later this week.
And, in a ceremony at City Hall this week, the stench of urine was named New York’s official smell. Congratulations, Stench of Urine!
Dennis Miller: Guess what, folks? That’s the news, and I am outta here!