Barney…..Chris Farley
Adrian…..Patrick Swayze

Male Judge #1: This is impossible! Can’t we just hire them both?

Male Judge #2: No. We’ve been through this. We’ve only got the budget for one dancer!

Female Judge: Yeah, but they’re both so great.. I can’t decide between them..

Male Judge #2: Well, that’s our job. That’s what Chippendales pays us for.

Male Judge #1: Yeah, but these guys have been through hell! Five hours of auditions, three callbacks..

Male Judge #2: Well, look.. if you want to give up your salary so Chippendales can hire both these guys – that’s fine with me.

Male Judge #1: Okay, okay..

Male Judge #2: [ to offscreen ] Marcy? Bring ’em in?

Male Judge #1: This is the part of the job that I hate.

[ Adrian, a well-built dancer, walks in, followed by Barney, a flabby dancer ]

Male Judge #2: Adrian. Barney. [ sighs ] Listen, before we start, I just want to say once again that either of you would make a wonderful addition to the Chippendale family. I know you’ve been put through a long, long addition, and I know it’s been hard.. But I think that in itself is a testament to how good both of you are, and just how difficult our choice is. I wish I could just flip a coin and be done with it.. but we can’t. We’re Chippendales. Marcy? Music?

[ Loverboy’s “Working For The Weekend” blasts the stage, as Adrian andBarney begin their final audition. Adrian strikes many sexy moves which show off his fantastically fit body; all of Barney’s sext moves accentuate the fact that he has a big belly hanging over his belt. ]

Male Judge #2: Thank you. Adrian, Barney, if you could just give us a minute, we’ll make our decision.

[ Adrian and Barney exit to the back room ]

Adrian: Oh, Adrian, you were great out there, man! I know it’s gonna be you

Barney: Oh, Barney, what are you talking about? You got it, and you know it!

Adrian: Whatever happens, you’re the best!

Marcy; [ peeks in ] They’re ready for you, guys.

[ Barney and Adrian shake hands and walk back out ]

Male Judge #2: Adrian? Barney? We’ve made our decision. But before we tell you, I just want to tell you again how truly difficult it was for us to make our choice, and to thank you for your patience throughout this long, arduous audition. [ pause ] We’re gonna go with Adrian.

Barney: I knew it, man! [ shakes Adrian’s hand ]

Adrian: [ starts to weep ] I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I just neverwanted anything so much in my life, and now that I’ve got it, I’m having a hard time dealing with it!

Male Judge #2: Well, that’s okay, Adrian, we understand. [ pause ] Barney, we all agreed that your dancing was great.. your presentation was very sexy. I guess, in the end, we just thought Adrian’s body was much, much better than yours. You see, it’s just that, at Chippendales, our dancers have traditionally had that lean, muscular, healthy physique – like Adrian’s – whereas yours is.. well, fat and flabby. [ Barney starts to vamp ] No, Barney. No, no, no. Barney, we’ve made our decision.

Adrian: Excuse me, can I make a point? [ wraps his arm aroundBarney ] I just want to say that this guy is one hell of a dancer, you know? I mean, he’s got some of the sexiest moves I’ve ever seen! And if you’re really serious about going with me, it can only be because his body’s so bad!

Barney: Thanks, man.

Adrian: I mean, on straight dancing, in presentation, ain’t no way I’m better than him!

Male Judge #2: Amen. Amen. You see, Barney, we considered thepossibility that our heavier female customers might actually prefer aheavier, heavier man that they could identify with.. but then we decided..

Adrian’s Thoughts: [ as Male Judge #2 drines off ] Even as I stood there listening to them explain why they’d chosen me, I still couldn’t believe it! Ever since I could remember, I had dreamed about becoming a Chippendales dancer, and now I was one! I never saw Barney again.. but I would never forget how, for one moment, he brought out the best in me. That was the time of my life.

[ Music Bed: “Time of My Life”, by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes, over a photo of Adrian striking a sexy Chippendale pose to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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