Barney…..Chris Farley
Adrian…..Patrick Swayze

Male Judge #1: This is impossible! Can’t we just hire them both?

Male Judge #2: No. We’ve been through this. We’ve only got the budget for one dancer!

Female Judge: Yeah, but they’re both so great.. I can’t decide between them..

Male Judge #2: Well, that’s our job. That’s what Chippendales pays us for.

Male Judge #1: Yeah, but these guys have been through hell! Five hours of auditions, three callbacks..

Male Judge #2: Well, look.. if you want to give up your salary so Chippendales can hire both these guys – that’s fine with me.

Male Judge #1: Okay, okay..

Male Judge #2: [ to offscreen ] Marcy? Bring ’em in?

Male Judge #1: This is the part of the job that I hate.

[ Adrian, a well-built dancer, walks in, followed by Barney, a flabby dancer ]

Male Judge #2: Adrian. Barney. [ sighs ] Listen, before we start, I just want to say once again that either of you would make a wonderful addition to the Chippendale family. I know you’ve been put through a long, long addition, and I know it’s been hard.. But I think that in itself is a testament to how good both of you are, and just how difficult our choice is. I wish I could just flip a coin and be done with it.. but we can’t. We’re Chippendales. Marcy? Music?

[ Loverboy’s “Working For The Weekend” blasts the stage, as Adrian andBarney begin their final audition. Adrian strikes many sexy moves which show off his fantastically fit body; all of Barney’s sext moves accentuate the fact that he has a big belly hanging over his belt. ]

Male Judge #2: Thank you. Adrian, Barney, if you could just give us a minute, we’ll make our decision.

[ Adrian and Barney exit to the back room ]

Adrian: Oh, Adrian, you were great out there, man! I know it’s gonna be you

Barney: Oh, Barney, what are you talking about? You got it, and you know it!

Adrian: Whatever happens, you’re the best!

Marcy; [ peeks in ] They’re ready for you, guys.

[ Barney and Adrian shake hands and walk back out ]

Male Judge #2: Adrian? Barney? We’ve made our decision. But before we tell you, I just want to tell you again how truly difficult it was for us to make our choice, and to thank you for your patience throughout this long, arduous audition. [ pause ] We’re gonna go with Adrian.

Barney: I knew it, man! [ shakes Adrian’s hand ]

Adrian: [ starts to weep ] I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I just neverwanted anything so much in my life, and now that I’ve got it, I’m having a hard time dealing with it!

Male Judge #2: Well, that’s okay, Adrian, we understand. [ pause ] Barney, we all agreed that your dancing was great.. your presentation was very sexy. I guess, in the end, we just thought Adrian’s body was much, much better than yours. You see, it’s just that, at Chippendales, our dancers have traditionally had that lean, muscular, healthy physique – like Adrian’s – whereas yours is.. well, fat and flabby. [ Barney starts to vamp ] No, Barney. No, no, no. Barney, we’ve made our decision.

Adrian: Excuse me, can I make a point? [ wraps his arm aroundBarney ] I just want to say that this guy is one hell of a dancer, you know? I mean, he’s got some of the sexiest moves I’ve ever seen! And if you’re really serious about going with me, it can only be because his body’s so bad!

Barney: Thanks, man.

Adrian: I mean, on straight dancing, in presentation, ain’t no way I’m better than him!

Male Judge #2: Amen. Amen. You see, Barney, we considered thepossibility that our heavier female customers might actually prefer aheavier, heavier man that they could identify with.. but then we decided..

Adrian’s Thoughts: [ as Male Judge #2 drines off ] Even as I stood there listening to them explain why they’d chosen me, I still couldn’t believe it! Ever since I could remember, I had dreamed about becoming a Chippendales dancer, and now I was one! I never saw Barney again.. but I would never forget how, for one moment, he brought out the best in me. That was the time of my life.

[ Music Bed: “Time of My Life”, by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes, over a photo of Adrian striking a sexy Chippendale pose to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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