Weekend Update with Dennis Miller


Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

…..Dennis Miller
…..A. Whitney Brown

Don Pardo: And now, Weekend Update with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening and what can I tell you?

Today both the House and the Senate approved the package that will cut the federal deficit by 500 billion dollars. 100 billion will come from a 5 percent increase in gasoline taxes and serve charge on tobacco, alcohol and other luxury items. The balance 400 billion will come from the TV rights to the Buster Douglas/Mayor Marion Barry fight in Las Vegas next year.

President Bush and republican congressial leaders were all smiles as the budget fight seemed to be nearly resolved. Bush’s joy however was tempered somewhat by the fact that while killing time during the lengthy and tedious negotiations. He foolishly Krazy Glued his right eye shut.

Representative Donald E Buzz Lukens resigned from congress this week in the face of charges that he sexually propositioned a young female elevator operator in the capital. Lukens’ defendant himself claiming the operator misunderstood her pin when he said “I like to get off here.” In response the operator insisted that Lukens made his request in between floors.

(pictured George looking at Barbara Bush) “Hi there. My name’s George. I’m the president.”

The U.S Embassy in Kuwait has overcome a water shortage by digging a well in the embassy’s backyard and striking water. When jubilant relatives of embassy staffers in the United States were apprised of this they cheered, and a kinfolk issued a carefully worded statement in which they said “They ought to move away from there. Califonia’s the place they ought to be.” The last word we have is that the Embassy staffers loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly. Swimming pools. Movie stars. The Professor and Mary Anne.

(Pictured some gray haired guy) “Oh boy I hope they don’t ask me to touch my nose!”

As if New Yorkers weren’t aware that drugs were overrunning their city they were reminded of that fact this week by some of the unusual classified ads that are turning up in New York Newspaper Real Estate sections “Your Dream Crack House 6 labs with a view. Owner must sell going away for a long long long time.”

And Evander Holyfield became the new heavyweight champion of the world Thursday night in Las Vegas when he knocked out defending champion James Buster Douglas in the third round. Our shotgun Mike picked up the voice of Buster as he hit the canvas.

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”

You knew that one was going to work. And Buster unwound from the fight by relaxing in the Mirage hotel pool to recuperate from a cut he received around the blow hole. Holyfield asked how he keeps in shape said that in addition to a regular training schedule he really enjoys working out with horses it is not believed that the horses enjoy working with him.

In a follow up to the Judas Priest trial five jurors have committed suicide. Brett Eastenellis popular novelist of books such as Less Than Zero recently asked Phil Collins permission to quote from his songs and his upcoming work. The new novel is based on Orson Welles’ “Citizen Kane”, except in this updated version instead of “Rosebud”, Kane’s last word is “Sussudio.”

Dennis Miller: And here now with the Big Picture is A. Whitney Brown. Welcome back Whitney.

A. Whitney Brown: Thank you Dennis, pleasure to be here. Thank you. Well my friends Election Day is just around the corner and I know it’s not pleasant but look at it this way, everyone of those 435 congressinal representatives has his or her neck on the block. So cheer up it could be a lot of fun. That is if the polls are not shut down along with the rest of the government. Of course the candidates are not very much this year. In fact voting in this election is like trying to decide which street mine to stop and watch. Sometimes one candiate issuch a porkfed peabrain that is even an embarrassment on Capitol Hill and in that case the choice is easy. But we can’t all live in North Carolina. Just because the senator’s a fatheaded protengious windbag that doesn’t mean he’s not a cut above the people he represents. Every fact that anyone is willing to do what it takes to get elected these days should be an automatic disqualification. Friends this time reality has got our congressmen surrounded. Nobody likes to pay taxes except maybe the Swedes. But we got to pay this deadoff. It’s physically sickening to think that for the next 30 years all thetaxes from the first 2 and a half months of every American worker’s paycheck will go straight to rich Japanese bankers to pay the interest on money we borrowed so Ronald Reagan could make Walter Mondale look stupid. We’re 3 trillion in debt plus interest now for all we know that’s more money than there is in the world. On this budget we’re trying to Nickel and Dime our way out of it. We call ourselves tightening our belts because we raise gas taxes a nickel a gallon. Maybe the president uses 100 gallons of gas to catch one scrawny bluefish but for the average driver that adds up to 40 bucks a year.C’mon now Americans stop whining. Course they don’t dare touch Social Security which is nice. Even though I doubt if my generation will ever get to touch it either. I think we’re all going to be buying our poligrip and dog food with a shoe box and government IOU’s Because that what we’ll inherit when we turn 65. Our children on the other hand will inherit over 3 trillion dollars in debt and a voter turnout is no better than it usually is. There’s a good chance they’ll also inherit our congress. Or should I say inherit thewind. Anyway that’s the Big Picture.

Dennis Miller: Thank you Whitney!

And Humprey the lost whale who captured America’s heart after getting lost in San Francisco’s bay 5 years ago is back and this time he’s stuck in the mud under the bay. Scientist recognized Humprey by the markings on his tail and the fact that once again Humprey’s fish head was up his fish ass. I know he’s not exactly a fish but mammal head up mammal ass didn’t sound half as good.

Batman comics this week unveiled a new Robin, Timothy Drake the newest and perhaps most intelligent boy wonder replacing the previous Robin who was killed by the Joker two years ago. Looks like this Robin spent a little too much time sliding down the bat pole huh? And it was announced this week that Superman of DC comic book fame will in an upcoming issue marry Lois Lane. The dilemma being that Lois still has no idea that Clark Kent is really Superman. I guess she justthinks he’s really really really good in bed huh?

Old time latin band leader Xavier Cougat died yesterday in Barcelona Spain. Cougat was 90 his band was 115.

Scientists have discovered a new device which offers help to infertal women by opening blocked fallopian tubes with a balloon. The accidental discovery occurred during an earthquake at a Ringling Brothers show.

As of yet there have been no deaths attriubited to the killer bees in Texas. However two bees were caught this week planning a murder.

(Dan Quayle is pictured in a QB position behind a football center who has his hand tucked underneath) Vice president Quayle posed for yet another awkward photo opportunity this week. Does anybody remember when politicians just shook hands? I don’t know. Let me try another one. I don’t know but find my car keys and I’ll drive us out. You know I always heard he never entered the guard. I’m sorry but he makes it so damn easy.

Daylight savings time ends tonight so we set our clocks back and gain and hour. To compensate tomorrow night on CBS, 60 Minutes will be shown twice

Dennis Miller: Guess what folks, that’s the news and I am outta here!

Thanks to Nick Johnson for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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