SNL Transcripts: Jimmy Smits: 11/10/90: Chia Head


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 16: Episode 5

90e: Jimmy Smits / World Party

Chia Head

Man…..Kevin Nealon
Businessman…..Phil Hartman
Teenager…..David Spade
Black Man…..Chris Rock
Wife…..Jan Hooks

(Fade in to balding Man in bathroom looking in a mirror at what little hair he has)

Announcer: You look good now, but you could look better.

(Man combs hair, then it cuts to him opening his medicine cabinet and taking out some hair replacement products and throwing them in a wastebasket)

Announcer: You’ve tried all the hair replacement products, but nothing seems to work.

(Cut to man putting on a toupee and looking in the mirror for a few seconds before taking it off in frustration)

Announcer: Well, now there’s a solution.

(Cut to product)

Announcer: It’s Chia Head.

(Cut to a group of scientists working on the head of a subject)

Announcer: Scientists and gardeners at the Chia Institute in Chia, Wisconsin have finally found the answer to male baldness.

(Cut to Man applying a mud-like substance to his head)

Announcer: It’s quick and easy to use. Just apply the scientifically formulated Chia mud to your scalp…

(Cut to Man shaking seeds onto his scalp)

Announcer: …then, add the Chia seeds…

(Cut to Man pouring water from a watering can onto his head)

Announcer: …sprinkle with water…

(Cut to man going to bed)

Announcer: …and get a good night’s sleep.

(Cut to next morning. Man’s scalp is now covered in chia sprouts. He wakes up, feels his new hair, looks in a mirror, and rubs it in pride.)

Announcer: You’ll see results immediately. And with your full head of Chia hair, you’ll attack the day with new confidence.

(Cut to Businessman in office)

Announcer: Here’s what our clients are saying.

Businessman: Let’s be frank. It’s an unfair world, and personal appearance does matter.

(Cut to teenager with Chia hair in a grungy style)

Teenager: Going bald at 16 was tough on me, but now… (runs fingers through Chia hair) …I feel like one of the guys again.

(Cut to Black Man with Chia hair in a high-cut afro)

Black Man: A lot of products make a lot of promises. But I can tell you, Chia Head actually works.

(Cut to Man and his Wife on a couch. Man picks a flower from his Chia hair. He shows it to his Wife, who smiles and kisses him)

Announcer: So if you have male pattern baldness, get the edge.

(Cut to all four clients)

All: The Chia edge!

(Cut to product)

Announcer: Do not expose Chia wigs to direct sunlight. Excessive moisture may hasten decomposition. Not to be used in salads.


Submitted by: Anonymous

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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