The Dark Side with Nat X


The Dark Side with Nat X

Nat X…..Chris Rock
…..Jimmy Smits
Sandman…..Chris Farley
Gerry Cooney…..Kevin Nealon

Announcer: Live, from Compton, California – a city so bad, it has a drive-by shooting lane! It’s “The Dark Side With Nat X”. The only show on TV written by a brother, produced by a brother, and starring a brother! Now, get ready for a man so black, he goes to funerals naked – step back, ’cause he-e-e-e-ere’s Nat!

Nat X: Peace, brothers and sisters, and welcome to the show! I’m your host, Nat X! In the next 15 minutes – that’s right, this is the only 15-minute show on TV. Why? Because the man would never give a brother like me a whole half-hour! The man will give Pat Sajak, Joan Rivers and Rick Dees an hour! But a brother like me, no way! I think we all know who the man is! I’m talking about the same man who calls all his bad children the black sheep! I’m talking about the same man who made the black jellybean the worst tasting candy on Earth!

Alright, y’all. It’s about time for the Top Five! Why five? Because the man would never give me ten of anything! I’ lucky to get five! Tonight: The Top Five Reasons White People Can’t Dance.

Reason #5: Too busy counting their money.
Reason #4: Too busy counting my money.
Reason #3: Small thighs make it too hard to dip.
Reason #2: They’re inferior.
And the #1 Reason White People Cannot Dance: Well, they can, they just waiting for the Waltz to come back.

And that’s the Top Five – that’s all I could get from Whitey right now!

[ suddenly camera zooms in on Nat, with siren sound effects ]

Oh, no! Here it come! There go the White-Man Cam! Get outta here! Get outta here!!

[ graphic image of jail bars appear in front of Nat, as he mimes being in prison ]

The White-Man Cam! You know, I haven’t had that much fun since I saw Weezie Jefferson naked!

Our first guest tonight plays attorney Victor Fuentes on NBC’s hit televiison “L.A. Law”! Please welcome Jimmy Smits!

[ Jimmy Smits enters set, takes a seat ]

Nat X: Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.

Jimmy Smits: How you doing, Nat?

Nat X: Could you tell the brothers what’s going on?

Jimmy Smits: Well, you know, things couldn’t be better. “L.A. Law” won an Emmy this year for Best Dramatic Series. [ audience applauds ] Thanks. And, you know, I’m looking forward to many, many more.

Nat X: Alright, I got a question. How do they treat you out there? I mean, do they let you eat with them?

Jimmy Smits: [ laughs ] Yeah, yeah! I eat with the whole cast, we all eat together.

Nat X: Alright. But do they treat you like a person? I mean, when something’s missing on the set, I betcha they come after you first!

Jimmy Smits: No, no, no, Nat. Nat, it’s not like that. Everyone treats me great. Susan Dey, Corbin Bernsen, the whole cast, it’s great.

Nat X: Alright, alright. Do they know you’re not white?

Jimmy Smits: Uh.. I-I think that’s- Yeah, they know that.

Nat X: Then, they blame the black guy, then!

Jimmy Smits: [ laughs ] No, Nat. We’re like a family. You know, we’re together, there’s a lot of love – everybody’s cool to each other.

Nat X: Fine, fine, fine. I got a question for you. I got a question for you.

Jimmy Smits: Okay.

Nat X: Do you need any quarters?

Jimmy Smits: No. Why would I need any quarters?

Nat X: Well, since you got your brain washed, I thought you might want to get it dried! Sandman, get him outta here!!

Jimmy Smits: Yo, yo, yo, listen!

[ Sandman the Clown enters and “sweeps” Jimmy Smits off the set ]

Nat X: Wake up, boy! Wake up, boy! The revolution will NOT be televised!! Get him outta here!! [ calms down ] Okay. We had to get rid of him! Our next guest is a professional boxer, and a regular on this show! He’s one of my favorites! Let’s give a welcome to the Great White Hope – Gerry Cooney!

[ Gerry Cooney saunters onto the set ]

Nat X: Well, Gerry, Gerry, Gerry. It’s a great pleasure to see you again!

Gerry Cooney: Well, thank you, Mr. X, it’s great to back on your show.

Nat X: I bet it is great to be back on my show. This is the only time you can get this close to a black man without gettin’ your ass kicked! Sandman, give me a total! [ Sandman pulls a lever, as the numbers roll ] $32,680,560,000!

Gerry Cooney: Mmm. What is that, a telethon thing?

Nat X: No, that’s how much white people lost betting on you!

Gerry Cooney: Hmm.

Nat X: Now, let’s see some clips!

[ boxing clips show Gerry Cooney being knocked down by various black boxers; Nat whoops and hollars with joy as each knockout occurs ]

Nat X: Boy, you sure can’t fight! Boy, I betcha that brings back some memories, huh?

Gerry Cooney: Oh, it sure does.

Nat X: I got an idea, I got a idea. Why don’t you fight Mike Tyson!

Gerry Cooney: [ thinking ] Yeah.. okay. Okay!

Nat X: Alright! You heard it here! Cooney & Tyson! Alright!

Gerry Cooney: Yeah, all I can say is, Tyson better be ready! He better be ready!

Nat X: [ excited ] Oooohhh, I can’t wait to see that!

Gerry Cooney: He better be ready.

[ close music pots up ]

Nat X: Wow! I guess our 15 minutes is up! Check us out next week, with Stupid White Tricks. You know, I gotta disappear, so the white man can do his newscast. Check us out again, Gerry Cooney will be back. Peace!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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