Simon…..Mike Myers

[ open on montage of Simon’s drawings ]

Jingle: “Well, you know my name is Simon
and I like to do drawerings.
I like to draw all day long
so come and do drawerings with me.
Come and do drawerings with me!”

[ dissolve to Simon sitting in his bathtub covered in bubbles, eager to see the audience ]

Simon: Hello! My name is Simon! I like to do drawerings! I’m having my bath now! Every day at five, a lady comes and bathes me! don’t look at my bum! Don’t look at my bum! I don’t look at your bum, bum-looker! Cheeky monkey! Where was I? Oh, yes. I like to do drawerings! My Daddy works for a big American company – he’s ever so nice! He travels all aorund the world, and he always takes me with him! Every day he goes to work, and every day I stay in the hotel and do drawerings! At night, he tucks me in and says, “Are you my little Simon?” And I say, “I am!” And then, in the morning, he says, “Are you still my little Simon?” And I say, “I still am!” And then he goes to work, and the cycle continues! So you see, I get to see a lot of him.. although, sometimes, I think he forgets he has a little boy. But still, he buys me any toy I want! Once, he bought me Action Man, which is like the British version of G.I. Joe, except that Action Man has to serve in Northern Ireland!

Do you want to see a drawering of my Daddy? Do you, do you? You do! [ takes out drawing ] Here he is! It’s my Dad – by himself, without his son, as usual. I can drawer him in twelve strokes! I’ve been around the world with my Daddy – Paris, Cairo, New York, the Soviet Union.. I can take you there right now, with my drawerings, if you like! Around the world in seventy strokes! Do you want to come with me? Do you? Do you? [ audience applauds ] You’re ever so nice! [ pulls out drawing of Paris, as seen from inside a hotel room ] Alright, this is Paris, alright? The City of Light. We had a great hotel room, with a great view! There’s the Eiffel Tower, there’s the Arc de Triomphe. Alright, then.. [ bends back to grab drawing of Cairo from the hotel room ] Don’t look at my bum! I caught you sneaking a peak, cheeky monkeys, all of you! [ holds up Cairo drawing ] Here’s Cairo! We had a great hotel room, ’cause they were always giving us grapes! I love grapes! Grapes’ my favorite food, it’s what Tarzan would eat! THere’s the Pyramids. [ reaches back, holding his gaze on the audience ] And, finally.. bum-looker! [ holds up drawing of New York ] Finally, here’s New York! I didn’t like New York – people were always washing windows.. and when you could see out, all you could see was across the street to another building. Daddy says it’s the financial capitol of the world, where people’s lives are bought and sold every day like, so much human cattle! But all I could see were other windows! I think New York is vastly overrated.

[ chimes sound ]

Oh! It’s time for letters! Brilliant! Okay, the first letter is from John Proctor, from Betchley-Upon-Thump in Yorkshire.. [ show letter ] ..and he writes: “Dear Simon, How come we never see your Mummy?” Well.. Daddy said Mummy’s with the angels. I used to be able to draw my Mummy at nine strokes, but I can’t remember what her face looks like any more.. Oh, don’t be sad! You can’t be sad! It gives me great artistic license! I could puts horns on her, put wheels on her, make her twenty feet tall! Who’s to know! The next letter is from Robin Hughes, from Llandudno-Gloch-Lluwellan-Llwichy-Llan, which I believe is in Wales! [ show letter ] And she writes: “Dear Simon, Why are all your drawerings from hotel rooms?” Well, Robin, as you can imagine, I get asked that question a lot! The reason is: I never get out of the hotel room! One of the ladies who bathes me said a word: “neglect”. But I’m not sure what that means.

Well, it’s itme to go, I’m starting to get prune hands! I can’t do my drawerings when I’ve got prune hands! Pretty soon, Lumella, the lady who bathes me, is gonna come in and make sure I washed everywhere, especially my bits and pieces! Cheeky monkey! Alright, goodbye everybody, bye!

[ Simon finishes bathing, as scene dissolves to closing montage of Simon’s drawings ]

Jingle: “Well, you know my name is Simon
and I like to do drawerings.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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4 years ago

ur mum

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