Jagger Ties The Knot


Jagger Ties The Knot

Priest…..Kevin Nealon
Mick Jagger…..Mike Myers
Keith Richards…..Dana Carvey

[ Music Intro: “Satisfaction”, “Rolling Stones” ] [ show newspaper with headline, “Jagger Finally Ties The Knot” ] [ dissolve to Bali ] [ SUPER: “Bali” ] [ dissolve to interior, church waiting room, where Mick Jagger stands waiting with Keith Richards ]

Priest: We’ll be ready in a few minutes, Mr. Jagger.

Mick Jagger: Thank you, Father. [ Priest exits ] Wow! I can’t believe it’s finally happening, Keith!

Keith Richards: [ puffing on an endless cigarette ] Yeah. You’re finally tying the knot. Yeah. [ chuckles ] Hey! You and Jerry taking the plunge, eh?

Mick Jagger: Well, she’s a great girl, Keith, what can I say? I met a girl who just swept me off of my feet, I’m flying!

Keith Richards: Hey, who’d’ve thought Mick Jagger, a married man? You know, I always figured you like the playboy type, right? [ laughs, choking on his cigarette ]

Mick Jagger: I liked it, alright. But now I’m just so in love. She’s gonna be Mrs. Jerry Jagger!

Keith Richards: Oh, you got your head in the clouds, boy.

Mick Jagger: [ laughs ] Keith. Here’s a little something for ya’, mate. [ hands Keith a small box ]

Keith Richards: Oh, no-

Mick Jagger: It’s for everybody in me wedding party.

Keith Richards: [ takes the box and opens it ]

Mick Jagger: I might as well tell you – it’s a travel alarm clock.

Keith Richards: Well, thanks, mate. That’s awfully nice of you. [ Mick is suddenly stiff ] Hey, Mick, what’s the matter?

Mick Jagger: Keith, I’m scared.

Keith Richards: About the wedding night? I mean, you’ve been, you know, you’ve been courting Jerry for twelve years, you know. All that tension built up.

Mick Jagger: What do I do, Keith? I mean.. what’s it like?

Keith Richards: [ chuckles ] Aw, it’s like the most beautiful night of your life.

Mick Jagger: But I’ll be so nervous!

Keith Richards: Well, look, you’ll both be nervous. But, then, you remember that you love each other, you know, and that you trust each other, and that you’ve had two kids together.

Mick Jagger: Yeah, righ.. yeah, right. But I don’t know, Keith. I’m afraid I won’t measure up to all the other nights we’ve slept together. Or to those videos of me having sex with other peo-ple.

Keith Richards: You gotta start worrying, because whateverh appens is gonna be alright, you know? I mean, ’cause you’ll be together, you know, holding each other like you’re one person. It’s the most beautiful feeling, you know. It’s hard to describe, really, partly because I’m drunk. But trust me, mate, trust me.

Mick Jagger: Something else that’s strange, Keith – you know, once I marry Jerry, I’m not allowed to sleep with nay other women.

Keith Richards: I know.

Mick Jagger: Or man.

Keith Richards: I know, mate, I know.

Mick Jagger: What’s that like?

Keith Richards: Well, you know, it worries you at first, you know, right? But then you realize it’s worth it for other things. I mean, like, you get a warm feeling when you’re at the studio, and you’ve been working hard all day, and you get a call, and it’s her. And you ask her, “Who?” You know, because you’re not sure. You don’t remember. But then, you have a guy that you pay, who reminds you who everyone is, and he tells you it’s your wife, your soulmate, your friend-for-life, and it just feels great.

Mick Jagger: Wow!

Keith Richards: Besides, there’s no law.. [ coughing ] ..no law that says you can’t still take a look, eh! [ laughing ]

Mick Jagger: Keith, you devil!

[ Priest walks back up ]

Priest: Mr. Jagger? We’re ready.

Mick Jagger: Okay. [ turns to Keith, does the rooster neck to psyche himself up ] How do I look?

Keith Richards: Dressed to kill, chap, dressed to kill. Good luck to you.

Mick Jagger: Alright, see you inside, Keith!

Keith Richards: Right. Right.

[ Mick enters the reception area, while Keith stands behind. Camera tightens in on Keith’s face, where we see tears streaming down his face as he continues to smoke his cigarette. ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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