The McLaughlin Group


The McLaughlin Group

John McLaughlin…..Dana Carvey
Jack Germonde…..John Goodman
Pat Buchanan…..Phil Hartman
Eleanor Clift…..Jan Hooks
Morton Kondracke…..Kevin Nealon

Announcer: From the nation’s capital, “The McLaughlin Group”, anunrehearsed, hastily assembled program presenting inside opinions andforecasts on major issues of today. With Jack Germonde of the Baltimore Sun, syndicated columnists Pat Buchanan and Eleanor Clift, and Morton Kondracke of the New Republic. Now, here’s the moderator, John McLaughlin.

John McLaughlin: Issue number 1: the commander-in-chief in Mexico. Bush wants a free trade agreement, what does President Salinas want? Pat Buchanan!

Pat Buchanan: John, Salinas is playing up his recent economic success and steering his..

John McLaughlin: Jack Germonde!

Jack Germonde: I don’t think it’s so much what Salinas wants, it’s what..

John McLaughlin: Eleanor Clift!

Eleanor Clift: John, this is just another case of President Bushtrying to push a policy..

Pat Buchanan: I’m not sure Bush has a policy..

John McLaughlin: Excuse me Pat, I believe Eleanor has the floor.

Eleanor Clift: Thanks, John. The hard truth is that Bush needs Salinas more than Salinas..

John McLaughlin: Morton Kondracke!

Morton Kondracke: I think this agreement talk is basically a..

John McLaughlin: Wrong! There will be a free trade agreement; it will take place within one year. Issue number 2: Maggie out, Major in. The new British prime minister, some believe he’s a Thatcher clone. Will he carry out her policies? Jack Germonde!

Jack Germonde: Well, Thatcherites are privately rejoicing..

John McLaughlin: Wrong Mortone.

Morton Kondracke: See, Thatcher endorsed..

John McLaughlin: Wrong! On a scale of 1 to 14, 1 being lowest degree of unlikelihood, 14 being absolute metaphysical certitude, what are the chances of Major continuing Thatcher’s alliance with Bush, vis-a-vis the Iraqis? Eleanor Clift!

Eleanor Clift: I’d say about a 12.

John McLaughlin: Pat Buchanan!

Pat Buchanan: Hold it, 14 is most likely?

John McLaughlin: Yes.

Pat Buchanan: I would have to say about a 9.

John McLaughlin: Jack Germonde!

Jack Germonde: Lower, like 5.

John McLaughlin: Mortone!

Morton Kondracke: 8!

John McLaughlin: Wrong! The actual degree of likelihood is 6.5. Issue number 3: life after death. Some pundits say it doesn’t exist. Theologians disagree. Is there an afterlife? Jack Germonde!

Jack Germonde: I.. uh.. really don’t know.

John McLaughlin: Mortone!

Morton Kondracke: Well, it’s not my field..

John McLaughlin: Pat Buchanan!

Pat Buchanan: I’d like to believe, but it’s not..

John McLaughlin: Wrong! There is life after death. The soul does not ascend to heaven but rather rests in a limbo state that varies depending on the karma of the spirit. Issue number 4: Intellegent beings on other planets, yes or no? Pat Buchanan!

Pat Buchanan: I would think so.

John McLaughlin: Eleanor Clift!

Eleanor Clift: Don’t know.

John McLaughlin: Jack Germonde!

Jack Germonde: Me, either.

John McLaughlin: Mortontown!

Morton Kondracke: Well, no one really knows..

John McLaughlin: Wrong! There is intellegent life in the 11th galaxy on the planet Neptar, which will conquer Earth in the year 5482, utilizing us for slave labor in their Chellonian salt mines. Issue number 5: what number am I thinking of? Pat Buchanan!

Pat Buchanan: Geez, uh, 82?

John McLaughlin: Wrong! Eleanor Clift!

Eleanor Clift: Is it between 1 and..

John McLaughlin: Don’t skirt the issue!

Eleanor Clift: Uh.. 40!

John McLaughlin: Wrong! Mortontyne!

Morton Kondracke: 212?

John McLaughlin: Wrong! Jackareeno!

Jack Germonde: 2?

John McLaughlin: Wrong! The correct answer is 134. 134. Issue number 6: what did you have for breakfast today? Eleanor!

Eleanor Clift: Some cantaloupe.

John McLaughlin: Mortontown, USA!

Morton Kondracke: I had poached eggs and toast.

John McLaughlin: Jack Germondo!

Jack Germonde: Bacon and eggs.

John McLaughlin: Patty-Patty-Puke-Puke!

Pat Buchanan: I’m thinking waffles, maybe a little..

John McLaughlin: Wrong! You all had Special K with banana. Issue number 7: what is issue number 14 going to be? Some say it will deal with economic matter, others believe it will involve Germany. Morteeny-tiny-tabletop!

Morton Kondracke: Acid rain?

John McLaughlin: Wrong! Eleanor-gee-I-think-you’re-swelleanor!

Eleanor Clift: I have.. no idea..

John McLaughlin: Wrong! You know quite well, you’re just shy. Mondo-jackalo-gee-mon-mania-jack..

Jack Germonde: Well, it might be..

John McLaughlin: I’m not finished with your name,Germonacle-jack-o-lantern-gee-gi-jummy-jummy-jammy-mayhem!

Jack Germonde: You’re insane, John!

John McLaughlin: Wrong! I’m perfectly sane. Everyone else, however, is insane and trying to steal my magic bag. St. Patrick of Buchananomics!

Pat Buchanan: I think I’m gonna leave, John.

John McLaughlin: Wrong! You can’t leave; all the doors are locked from the outside. Next issue! What motivates me? Why do I conduct my show in this manner? Mondo!

Jack Germonde: You’re a jerk?

John McLaughlin: Eleanor!

Eleanor Clift: Really large ego?

John McLaughlin: Wrong! I was neglected by my parents and Iovercompensate to shadow my feeling that I have an inadequate intellect. Next issue!

Morton Kondracke: So, you didn’t know your parents very well?

John McLaughlin: Wrong!

Morton Kondracke: Wrong?

John McLaughlin: Wrong!

Morton Kondracke: Right?

John McLaughlin: Wrong! Next week: the S&L probe continues. Is my money in a savings and loan? If so, what’s my account number? Bye-bye! [ theme music plays; superimposed title appears; McLaughlin points around ] Wrong! No! I told you, no..

[ fade to black ]

Thanks to Rob Holtmanfor this transcript.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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2 years ago

Minor errors in the transcript. It was “Patty-Patty-Puke-Puke,” not “Buke-buke. And “Is my money in a safety loan?” should be, “Is my money in a savings and loan?”

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