Telly Savalas…..Phil Hartman

Telly Savalas: Hi! I’m Telly Savalas. And if you’re like me, you like to be near the action. And when there isn’t any action, then you gotta make your own. And, baby, that’s when you need to join.. [holds up card ] ..the Player-With-Yourselves Club. That’s right, baby! The Player-With-Yourselves Club card entitles you to masturbation privileges at hotels all over the world. In cities like Milan, Paris, and Monte Carlo.

Just flash the card, and you’ll get the kind of perks reserved for players only!

Like unlimited Kleenex! I’m talking two-ply, baby!

Custom-made squeak-free beds, and extra-large “Do Not Disturb” signs.

Plus: access to an international library of skin magazines, and all the latest videotapes cued up to the good parts, baby! ‘Cause players don’t have time to fast-forward!

And you don’t have to stay overnight, pal. With the Player-With-Yourselves card, you can book a room for stays as short as fifteen minutes. In and out, baby, ’cause you gotta fly!

So, what are you waiting for? Take it from Telly – this card opens a lot of doors! Well, I gotta go. I have a date with a Marilyn Chambers classic. [ kisses videotape ] Oh, yeah.. ohhhh, yeah!!

Announcer: The Players-With-Yourselves Club Card. Teenagers eligible, except in Florida.

Telly Savalas: Who loves yourself, baby?

SNL Transcripts

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