Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 16: Episode 7
Police Chief Wilson…..John Goodman
Announcer: You are watching Cable 10, Aurora, Illinois community access channel.[ dissolve to the “Wayne’s World” temporary studio in Garth Algar’s living room, as the animated “Wayne’s World” logo appears onscreen ]
Wayne: [ singing, as he jams on his guitar ] “Wayne’s World!! Wayne’s World!! Party Time! Excellent!!”
Garth: Alright! Excellent! Welcome to “Wayne’s World”! Here’s your host — Wayne Campbell!
Wayne: Partyyyyyyyy!! Party hearty! It’s Friday, it’s 10:30, it’s time to party! I’m your excellent host, Wayne Campbell. With me, as always, is Garth.
Garth: Party on, Wayne!
Wayne: Party on, Garth! Okay! Alright! We’ve got a very special “Wayne’s World” this week. [ Garty pots up music ] “Wayne’s World… After Hours”! [ revamped logo appears on screen, as Wayne and Garth motion their arms ] Where ANYTHING goes! Okay!
Garth: Alright! [ motions his arms once more ] Excellent thing we did!
Wayne: Talkin’ about it! [ serious ] Alright, this week, because of the new NC-17 decision, we look at movies and videos with more of an… adult theme. My mom would never let me do this show out of the basement — right? So, that’s why we’re here at Garth’s house — ’cause Garth’s parents don’t have those hang-ups, and, besides, they’ve gone to the Aurora Merchants Association’s Monte Carlo Night, and they won’t be back until later.
Garth: [ nervous ] Yeah, but, Wayne, hurry up — what if they came home early, man? Whoa-oa!
Wayne: Alright! Relax, Garth, alright? Take your ritilin! Okay! This week on… [ they motion with their arms again ] “Wayne’s World After Hours”, we’ll be looking at three adult selections: “Bright Lights, Big Titties” — [ they bounce with excitement ] starring Tori Wells; “Field of Reams” — [ they bounce with excitement ] starring Seka; and… and Madonna’s new video, that M-TV won’t play ’cause it’s too hot — [ he licks his finger touches it to the air in front of him ] Ssssss… ahhhhh!
Okay! Before I begin, Garth, you know, I never noticed before, but, your house smells great.
Garth: Thanks, Wayne!
Wayne: Well, you know — you know how some people’s houses, they have that smell? You know, like beef-vegetable soup mix?
Garth: Yeah! Gag me, man! You know they haven’t had beef-vegetable soup in ye-e-ears!
Wayne: Yeah! Exactly. And your house doesn’t suffer from “soup whiff”. You know? Instead, it’s a tasteful malange of pine and potpourri! [ he laughs, as Garth shrugs his shoulders ] But I digress! [ faces the cmaera ] Unnecessary Zoom![ the camera quickly zooms in upon Wayne and Garth’s faces, as they scream for the close-up. Afterwards, they high-five and shout “Excellent!” ]
Wayne: We’re on fire! so, now we’re gonna show Madonna’s new video, “Justify My Love”. Alright? So, those of you who get easily horned-out… alright? [ he laughs ] Those horn-dogs amongst you — leave the room, okay? ‘Cause Madonna is… such… a babe! She’d give a dog a bone![ Wayne and Garth stomp their feet upon the floor, as Wayne grabs a remote control ]
Wayne: Alright! Alright — [ he continues to enjoy his joke ] Alright, roll it! roll it![ Wayne presses the remote control and turns the television on. The images appear on the television screen ]
Wayne’s Voice: Okay, here’s — where is she? Okay.[ close-up of the video on the television screen ]
Wayne’s Voice: Okay, here’s Madonna, right?
Garth’s Voice: Right.
Wayne’s Voice: She’s just checked into a hotel, right?
Garth’s Voice: Right.
Wayne’s Voice: There she is, a bizarre Felinni-esque Holiday Inn, with no bellboys. Whoa! It looks like she’s got a headache, or something — she should take a couple of Tylenol. Right? She’s walking… she just put some fingerprints on the wall — I do that, I —[ the door opens on the video, revealing the silhoette of a dancing man ]
Wayne’s Voice: What — then, there’s this guy —[ cut back to Madonna in the hallway ]
Wayne’s Voice: Okay. Here she is — wow, what a headache she must have, man! Whoa![ cut to a random shot of some guy ]
Wayne’s Voice: There’s Prince!![ cut back to Madonna in the hallway ]
Wayne’s Voice: Alright, I told you. Now she’s rubbing her nack, and now —[ the shape of a man appears in the distance ]
Wayne’s Voice: Is that the “Three Men and a Baby” boy?! No. now she’s rubbing her chest, alright? And here comes — it’s that guy! Who’s this guy? You want to know. Who is this guy? He’s walking, he’s — I — who is it? He’s look — his legs — and then —[ Madonna bends her body along the wall, revealing gartered stockings ]
Wayne’s Voice: Look!! You can see her gatch!! Yuo can see her gatch!![ cut back to Wayne and Garth watching the video in Garth’s living room ]
Garth: Oh, man!
Wayne: Oh, my God!! She’s PAWING at herself!!
Wayne: She’s having a paw! I can’t believe it! Down there, man!
Garth: Oh, man! I feel funny, like when you climb a rope in gym class![ Wayne stands at position ]
Wayne: Schwing![ cut back to the video — Madonna and the guy kissing ]
Wayne’s Voice: Okay, now let’s get back to this, okay? Alright, it’s out of focus — focus! Focus! Alright, now there’s a long shot of his hand — good hand! Great hand. Shyeah! Alright.[ cut to some other guy having his way with some other woman ]
Wayne’s Voice: And then, there’s some guy with a chick — HELLO!! Right?[ cut to close-up of a woman’s face ]
Wayne’s Voice: And, then — oh my God! Look at that! Some — some girl… I don’t know.[ cut back to the silhoette of a dancing man with a bulge ]
Wayne’s Voice: And, look — there’s some guy! How weird — he looks like a snake or something. He’s doing some — look at the UNIT on that guy!! Look at that!! Major unit!![ cut to Madonna lying across a bed ]
Wayne’s Voice: I can’t — okay, now she’s on the bed —
Police Chief wilson’s Voice: Okay, boys! Show’s over![ cut to Police Chief Wilson walking through Garth’s living room ]
Wayne: Oh, man!! It’s Police Chief Mark Wilson. I thought I smelled bacon!
Garth: [ freaking ] Oh, no! Oh, no! You’re gonna tell my parents, and I’m gonna be grounded FOREVER, man!! I — I — I think I’m gonna hurl!!
Wayne: Alright, alright! Resist that, man! Hey, hold on! Do not — do not blow chunks, man! Understand? Your house is gonna have “hurl whiff”, okay?[ Garth manages to hold it in ]
Police Chief wilson: Look, Garth — I’m not gonna tell your parents. It’s just that I got a call that you’re showing the Madonna video, and I’m gonna have to shut you down!
Wayne: This is censorship, man!!
Police Chief wilson: Now, Wayne! I’m a cop — I got a job! It’s not a question of — [ his eyes fall upon the television screen ] Whoa-oa!! Look at that side move! Is that a man necking with a woman? I can’t believe they’re showing that!
Wayne: [ to the camera ] Well… it looks like we gotta go, alright? So we’re not gonna be able to get to “Field of Reams” or “Bright Lights, Big Titties”, but, uh —
Police Chief wilson: [ still staring intently at the television screen ] Oh, my God…
Garth: Aw, tongues and everything, dude!
Police Chief wilson: Oh, my God..! That guy dancing — look at the unit on HIM!!
Wayne: Alright, that’s all the time we have for this week, okay? Until then: party on, Garth!
Garth: Party on, Wayne!
Together: [ singing ] “Wayne’s World! Wayne’s World! Party time! Excellent!”[ fade ]