SNL Transcripts: John Goodman: 12/01/90: Wayne’s World


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 16: Episode 7

90g: John Goodman / Faith No More

Wayne’s World

Wayne…..Mike Myers
Garth…..Dana Carvey
Police Chief Wilson…..John Goodman

[ open on Cable 10 page ]

Announcer: You are watching Cable 10, Aurora, Illinois community access channel.

[ dissolve to the “Wayne’s World” temporary studio in Garth Algar’s living room, as the animated “Wayne’s World” logo appears onscreen ]

Wayne: [ singing, as he jams on his guitar ] “Wayne’s World!! Wayne’s World!! Party Time! Excellent!!”

Garth: Alright! Excellent! Welcome to “Wayne’s World”! Here’s your host — Wayne Campbell!

Wayne: Partyyyyyyyy!! Party hearty! It’s Friday, it’s 10:30, it’s time to party! I’m your excellent host, Wayne Campbell. With me, as always, is Garth.

Garth: Party on, Wayne!

Wayne: Party on, Garth! Okay! Alright! We’ve got a very special “Wayne’s World” this week. [ Garty pots up music ] “Wayne’s World… After Hours”! [ revamped logo appears on screen, as Wayne and Garth motion their arms ] Where ANYTHING goes! Okay!

Garth: Alright! [ motions his arms once more ] Excellent thing we did!

Wayne: Talkin’ about it! [ serious ] Alright, this week, because of the new NC-17 decision, we look at movies and videos with more of an… adult theme. My mom would never let me do this show out of the basement — right? So, that’s why we’re here at Garth’s house — ’cause Garth’s parents don’t have those hang-ups, and, besides, they’ve gone to the Aurora Merchants Association’s Monte Carlo Night, and they won’t be back until later.

Garth: [ nervous ] Yeah, but, Wayne, hurry up — what if they came home early, man? Whoa-oa!

Wayne: Alright! Relax, Garth, alright? Take your ritilin! Okay! This week on… [ they motion with their arms again ] “Wayne’s World After Hours”, we’ll be looking at three adult selections: “Bright Lights, Big Titties” — [ they bounce with excitement ] starring Tori Wells; “Field of Reams” — [ they bounce with excitement ] starring Seka; and… and Madonna’s new video, that M-TV won’t play ’cause it’s too hot — [ he licks his finger touches it to the air in front of him ] Ssssss… ahhhhh!

Okay! Before I begin, Garth, you know, I never noticed before, but, your house smells great.

Garth: Thanks, Wayne!

Wayne: Well, you know — you know how some people’s houses, they have that smell? You know, like beef-vegetable soup mix?

Garth: Yeah! Gag me, man! You know they haven’t had beef-vegetable soup in ye-e-ears!

Wayne: Yeah! Exactly. And your house doesn’t suffer from “soup whiff”. You know? Instead, it’s a tasteful malange of pine and potpourri! [ he laughs, as Garth shrugs his shoulders ] But I digress! [ faces the cmaera ] Unnecessary Zoom!

[ the camera quickly zooms in upon Wayne and Garth’s faces, as they scream for the close-up. Afterwards, they high-five and shout “Excellent!” ]

Wayne: We’re on fire! so, now we’re gonna show Madonna’s new video, “Justify My Love”. Alright? So, those of you who get easily horned-out… alright? [ he laughs ] Those horn-dogs amongst you — leave the room, okay? ‘Cause Madonna is… such… a babe! She’d give a dog a bone!

[ Wayne and Garth stomp their feet upon the floor, as Wayne grabs a remote control ]

Wayne: Alright! Alright — [ he continues to enjoy his joke ] Alright, roll it! roll it!

[ Wayne presses the remote control and turns the television on. The images appear on the television screen ]

Wayne’s Voice: Okay, here’s — where is she? Okay.[ close-up of the video on the television screen ]

Wayne’s Voice: Okay, here’s Madonna, right?

Garth’s Voice: Right.

Wayne’s Voice: She’s just checked into a hotel, right?

Garth’s Voice: Right.

Wayne’s Voice: There she is, a bizarre Felinni-esque Holiday Inn, with no bellboys. Whoa! It looks like she’s got a headache, or something — she should take a couple of Tylenol. Right? She’s walking… she just put some fingerprints on the wall — I do that, I —

[ the door opens on the video, revealing the silhoette of a dancing man ]

Wayne’s Voice: What — then, there’s this guy —

[ cut back to Madonna in the hallway ]

Wayne’s Voice: Okay. Here she is — wow, what a headache she must have, man! Whoa!

[ cut to a random shot of some guy ]

Wayne’s Voice: There’s Prince!!

[ cut back to Madonna in the hallway ]

Wayne’s Voice: Alright, I told you. Now she’s rubbing her nack, and now —

[ the shape of a man appears in the distance ]

Wayne’s Voice: Is that the “Three Men and a Baby” boy?! No. now she’s rubbing her chest, alright? And here comes — it’s that guy! Who’s this guy? You want to know. Who is this guy? He’s walking, he’s — I — who is it? He’s look — his legs — and then —

[ Madonna bends her body along the wall, revealing gartered stockings ]

Wayne’s Voice: Look!! You can see her gatch!! Yuo can see her gatch!!

[ cut back to Wayne and Garth watching the video in Garth’s living room ]

Garth: Oh, man!

Wayne: Oh, my God!! She’s PAWING at herself!!

Garth: Ewww!!

Wayne: She’s having a paw! I can’t believe it! Down there, man!

Garth: Oh, man! I feel funny, like when you climb a rope in gym class!

[ Wayne stands at position ]

Wayne: Schwing!

Garth: Oh!

Wayne: Schwing!

[ cut back to the video — Madonna and the guy kissing ]

Wayne’s Voice: Okay, now let’s get back to this, okay? Alright, it’s out of focus — focus! Focus! Alright, now there’s a long shot of his hand — good hand! Great hand. Shyeah! Alright.

[ cut to some other guy having his way with some other woman ]

Wayne’s Voice: And then, there’s some guy with a chick — HELLO!! Right?

[ cut to close-up of a woman’s face ]

Wayne’s Voice: And, then — oh my God! Look at that! Some — some girl… I don’t know.

[ cut back to the silhoette of a dancing man with a bulge ]

Wayne’s Voice: And, look — there’s some guy! How weird — he looks like a snake or something. He’s doing some — look at the UNIT on that guy!! Look at that!! Major unit!!

[ cut to Madonna lying across a bed ]

Wayne’s Voice: I can’t — okay, now she’s on the bed —

Police Chief wilson’s Voice: Okay, boys! Show’s over!

[ cut to Police Chief Wilson walking through Garth’s living room ]

Wayne: Oh, man!! It’s Police Chief Mark Wilson. I thought I smelled bacon!

Garth: [ freaking ] Oh, no! Oh, no! You’re gonna tell my parents, and I’m gonna be grounded FOREVER, man!! I — I — I think I’m gonna hurl!!

Wayne: Alright, alright! Resist that, man! Hey, hold on! Do not — do not blow chunks, man! Understand? Your house is gonna have “hurl whiff”, okay?

[ Garth manages to hold it in ]

Police Chief wilson: Look, Garth — I’m not gonna tell your parents. It’s just that I got a call that you’re showing the Madonna video, and I’m gonna have to shut you down!

Wayne: This is censorship, man!!

Police Chief wilson: Now, Wayne! I’m a cop — I got a job! It’s not a question of — [ his eyes fall upon the television screen ] Whoa-oa!! Look at that side move! Is that a man necking with a woman? I can’t believe they’re showing that!

Wayne: [ to the camera ] Well… it looks like we gotta go, alright? So we’re not gonna be able to get to “Field of Reams” or “Bright Lights, Big Titties”, but, uh —

Police Chief wilson: [ still staring intently at the television screen ] Oh, my God…

Garth: Aw, tongues and everything, dude!

Police Chief wilson: Oh, my God..! That guy dancing — look at the unit on HIM!!

Wayne: Alright, that’s all the time we have for this week, okay? Until then: party on, Garth!

Garth: Party on, Wayne!

Together: [ singing ] “Wayne’s World! Wayne’s World! Party time! Excellent!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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