Game Beaters

Game Beaters

Mr. Short-Term Memory…..Tom Hanks
Host…..Phil Hartman
Susan Carlisle…..Victoria Jackson
…..Tony Randall

[ Shot : Game Beaters game show sets ]

V/O Announcer : It’s time once again for Game Beaters, here’s your host, Witt Trildy!

Host : Hello everybody! Hello contestants! Thank you! Thank you! We’ve got a lot of prizes to win so let’s dive right into our first question. Hands over buzzers please. “Who was the only American President to serve two non-consecutive terms?”

[ Jeff hits his buzzer]

Host : Jeff!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Yes!

Host : Don’t you have an answer?

Mr. Short-Term Memory : We, I will just as soon as I hear a question!

[Mister Short-Term Memory title card appears. SUPER: Mister Short-Term Memory]

Jingle: “Mr. Short-Term Memory.
He shouldn’t have stood under that pear tree.
Now there’s just no remedy.
He’ll frustrate you so
But he’ll never know.
‘Cause he’s Mr. Short-Term Memory.”

[ Title card reads: “Tonight’s episode: “THE GAME SHOW ” ]

V/O : Tonight’s episode: “THE GAME SHOW “

[ Shot : Back to Game Beaters game show sets ]

Host : Okay, we’ll get back to our questions in a minute but first let’s meet our contestants

Mr. Short-Term Memory : I’m Jeff Morrow from San Bernardino, California

Host : Beautiful weather up there!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Up where?

Host : S-San Bernardino.

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Hey I’m from San Bernardino! I’m from there! You should visit up there sometime the weather there is lovely.

Host : … Okay! And your opponent?

Susan Carlisle : Susan Carlisle from Reading, Pennsylvania!

Host : Welcome Susan

Mr. Short-Term Memory : And I’m Jeff Morrow from San Bernardino, California

Host : … Alright! Well let’s go back and try that question again : “Who was the only President to serve two non-consecutive terms?”

[ Jeff hits his buzzer ]

Host : Okay, Jeff what’s your answer?

Mr. Short-Term Memory : To what?

Host : The question! Can you answer the question?

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Why you giving me the third degree, I didn’t do anything?

Host : Jeff your on Game Beaters here, you’re a contestant.

Mr. Short-Term Memory : I am? Oh my God! Yes! Ha-Ha! Alright! Alright! Ha-Ha Ha-Haaa Ha-Haaaa.. Alright let’s star! the game! Witt!

Host : …Uh… Welcome to the game Jeff! We’ve uh… changed the format a bit. We don’t play the buzzer round anymore and we’re gonna go right to the elimination question.

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Wow that’s a quick game!

Host :  Yes, yes it is. Contestants! Get ready to write down your answer to this question: “What country gave us the Statue of Liberty?”

[ 5 seconds pause, contestants write their answers, then a bell rings ]

Host : Okay, now we’re rolling! Jeff what’s the answer?

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Well, I’m afraid I’m gonna have to disqualify myself as someone has already written “France” on my card. Could I possibly get a fresh one? I mean this is a network show isn’t it?

Host : No “France” is correct. Susan what’s your answer?

Susan Carlisle : Uh, I wrote “Canada”

Host : [ rolls his eyes ] Great!… Well Jeff, that’s makes you our champion so you get to stay and keep playing.

Susan Carlisle : I’m sorry [ leaves the set ]

Host : Just- Just go!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Hey where is she going? You haven’t even asked us a question yet!

Host :…Jeff we’ve changed our format a bit, instead of playing the game we’re just gonna declare you the champion and give you one thousand dollars.

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Wow! Ha-Haaa!

Host : Here’s today’s showcase, spend your thousand on whatever you want.

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Oh Cool um, II’ll take the color TV for 300.

Host : Alright that leaves you with 700.

Mr. Short-Term Memory : And let’s see, uh, I’ll take the color TV for 300.

Host : … Fine, that leaves you with 400.

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Oh! A color TV! I need one of those!

Host : … And the final hundred will carry over! And now it’s time for the celebrity Lightning round, so Jeff meet your celebrity partner, mister Tony Randall!

[Tony Randall enters the set ]

Tony Randall : [ to the crowd ] Thank you! Thank you!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Wow! Wow! Oh! I can’t- I don’t- I don’t’ know, I don’t know how-! Tony Randall! I am a big fan of yours!

Tony Randall : Nice to meet you Jeff.

Host : Okay Gentlemen you know the rules! Jeff will give the clues and Tony will receive.

Mr. Short-Term Memory : [ turns to Tony again ] Wow! Tony Randall! Hey! I am a big fan of yours!

Tony Randall : Good. Good.

Mr. Short-Term Memory : [ picks a fresh card ] Oh, could I have your autograph please- please- please- please- please- please- please- please- please- please-

Tony Randall : Now?

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Yes! Yes! please- please- please- please- please- please- [ hands him the card ]

Tony Randall : [ writes his autograph, then gives the card back ] Here you go!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : [ looks at the card ] What is this? “Tony Randall”? What you just hand these out to people you meet? That’s a little sad.

Tony Randall : You just asked me for it! You begged!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Wha- [ turns to Tony again] Tony Randall!

Host : Okay just.. just deal with him, Tony okay? Alright Jeff ten clues for 45 seconds and if you get them all Jeff you will go home with 10 thousand dollars.

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Oh, great! I really need a color TV.

Host : Alright just let’s get started GO!

[ SUPER : countdown 45 seconds ]

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Okay um, okay uh, You- you- you- you slip these on- on your feet uh…

Tony Randall : Sock!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Yes! Okay, okay Boy! Okay These- these- you- you- you- pull on over your feet and- and- and- you- you- pull–

Tony Randall : Socks! We just got them!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Okay! Okay! Alright um, alright, you- you- wear these on your feet and uh-

Tony Randall : Hey we’ve got that one already go on!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Hey! Are you Tony Randall?

Tony Randall : Of course I am!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Oh could I have your autograph please- please- please- please- please- please- please- please-

Tony Randall : NO!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Well, somebody is not as big as a star as they think they are.

Tony Randall : Witt are you listening to this?

Host : Just play the game Jeff you only have a few seconds left now come on!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : A few seconds? Everyone else gets a minute!

Tony Randall : Come on give me a clue!

[ Buzzer rings end of lightning round ]

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Alright, alright, okay. These, you put on over your feet and—

Host : Alright I’m sorry, you’re time’s up.

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Oh nice going it was “Sock” you brainiac!

Host : Ah Jeff that’s all the time we have here for today but don’t worry we’ll be back tomorrow to defend your title and pair up with Tony again, right Tony?

Tony Randall : Just a moment please… Hello… I’m Tony Randall.

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Tony Randall!!!

Tony Randall : Yes! And you’re Jeff Morrow aren’t you!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Yeah! Yeah! I am! But how did you know that?

Tony Randall : Oh I know a lot of things about you. I know you’re from San Bernardino!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Yeah! I am!

Tony Randall : And I also know that you’re life is in great danger, and that you must leave the country as fast as possible!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Oh no! You sure?

Tony Randall : Oh yes I’m sure! I also know that you’re from San Bernardino!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Hey! I am! Wow! I’ve got to get out of here! Thanks! [ leaves the set ]

Host : That was brilliant! I don’t know what to say!

Tony Randall : Well stay trainee you know you’ll learn a thing on your feet. Once when I was playing M. Butterfly, a women stood up in the audience and exposed herself-

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Hey! Did I hear Tony Randall, I did! I’m a big fan of yours! Can I get your autograph please- please- please- please- please- please-

[Mister Short-Term Memory title card appears. SUPER: Mister Short-Term Memory]

Jingle: “He’ll win you yet
And then he’ll forget
That he’s Mr. Short-Term Memory.”

[ Fade out ]

Thanks to P-Y for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

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