Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 16: Episode 8
Tom Hanks’ Monologue
Sean the Doorman…..Conan O’Brien
Tom Hanks: Believe it or not, this is the fifth “Saturday Night Live” I have been lucky enough to host. Now, the first time you do the show, you can’t believe you’re here. You just can’t believe it. Your head buzzes with excitement. The second time you do the show, it means you were funny enough to be asked back – and you’re pushing a movie. The third time you do the show, the second time didn’t go so well, and you have something to prove to yourself. The fourth time you do the show, you’re just blatantly pushing a movie. But the fifth time you do the show is the most special time of all, because you get this.. [ holds up a card ] ..a membership card in the Five-Timers Club. Come with me.. [ walks off the stage ] I’m gonna give you a chance to lookin on one of the most exclusive clubs in the world.
Sean the Doorman: Welcome, Mr. Hanks. Once again, congratulations on your fifth appearance.
Tom Hanks: Thank you, it’s a real thrill.
Sean the Doorman: Mr. Hanks, would you like your club robe now?
Tom Hanks: Boy, would I! Thank you..
Sean the Doorman: Sean.
Tom Hanks: ..”Sean.” [ walks in ]
Paul Simon: Tom! Congratulations! Welcome aboard!
Tom Hanks: Thanks, Mr. Simon.
Paul Simon: Please, call me Paul.
Tom Hanks: Okay! “Paul.”
Paul Simon: You know, we’ve had our eye on you ever since your third show. We knew you’d made five.
Tom Hanks: Wow, that’s flattering.
Paul Simon: Yes. There was some concern after “Joe Vs. The Volcano”, but you made it, and good for you!
Tom Hanks: Thanks.
Paul Simon: Step into the reading room. I think you’ll like it.Steve, look who’s joined us.
Steve Martin: Tom, Tom old bean! Let’s have a look at you. That robe fits you smashingly.
Tom Hanks: Thanks, Mr. Martin.
Steve Martin: Please, call me Mr. Steve Martin.
Tom Hanks: Thanks, Mr. Steve Martin.
Steve Martin: Whoa! I think someone needs to learn the club handshake. [ demonstrate an unusual handshake with Paul Simon ] Tom, sit down. You know, I hope you appreciate the responsibility that comes with being a fiver. Let’s be frank – it takes a certain caliber of performer to earn that fifth show.
Elliott Gould: [steps into the room with a towel wrapped around his shoulder ] Hey, Steven! You really ought to take a dip. The pool’s a perfect eighty degrees.
Steve Martin: He practically lives here.
Elliott Gould: Tom Hanks! Welcome aboard!
Tom Hanks: Hi, Mr. Gould.
Elliot Gould: Mazel tov, old man. You know, it is much easier to get five nowadays. Nothing against you, Tom. Let’s get you fixed up. Care for some supper?
Tom Hanks: Sure!
Elliot Gould: Waiter!
Jon Lovitz: [ enters, carrying menus ] Here you are, Mr. Gould.Welcome, Mr. Hanks.
Tom Hanks: Jon, you work here?
Jon Lovitz: Work is work.
Steve Martin: I’ll have the Chevy Chase, and easy on the ham this time.
Jon Lovitz: Good choice, Mr. Steve Martin.
Tom Hanks: Wow. So many choices. What do I do?
Steve Martin: Try the Anthony Michael Hall. It’s surprisingly good.
Paul Simon: I’ll have the Joe Piscopo.
Steve Martin: [ disapproving ] Really?
Jon Lovitz: And to drink?
Tom Hanks: I’ll have a beer.
Jon Lovitz: Anyone else?
Elliot Gould: I’ll have a Jenny Craig protein shake.
Sean the Doorman: Jon, we’re having that problem again at the door.
Jon Lovitz: I’ll handle it. [ approaches door and addresses Ralph Nader ] Mr. Nader, I’ve told you before, this club is for members only.
Ralph Nader: [ waving an old script ] But I’ve hosted the show! I swear!
Jon Lovitz: Sorry, sir, five-timers only.
Ralph Nader: See.. there’s Steve Martin, there’s Paul Simon.. Tom Hanks just joined!
Jon Lovitz: Out! All of you! Out! I got rid of him, gentlemen.
Paul Simon: Very good, Jon.
Elliot Gould: [ sniffing ] I smell something burning.
Jon Lovitz: My muffins! [ runs off ]
Tom Hanks: Well, everyone, this has been a thrill, but I have to go finish the rest of the monologue.
Elliot Gould: What are you talking about? You can do it from here.
Tom Hanks: What?
Steve Martin: Of course! You’re a five-timer! You don’t need to be there! You can phone it in!
Tom Hanks: Really?
Paul Simon: Sure! Elliott, hand him the club phone.
Elliot Gould: This is a direct line to the studio.
Tom Hanks: Hey, great!
Steve Martin: [ hands Tom a pipe ] Make yourself comfortable, boy! Say whatever you want!
Tom Hanks: Well, okay. [ into the phone ] Uh.. we’ve got a great show! Edie Brickell is here!
All: Well done, good job, son.
Tom Hanks: We’ll be right back!