Weekend Update with Dennis Miller


Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

… Dennis Miller
2nd Dennis Miller … Dana Carvey
3rd Dennis Miller … Tom Hanks

b>Music Intro: “Instant Karma” by JohnLennon.

[A hip-swiveling Statue of Liberty grooves to the beatagainst a red-hued New York City skyline as a graphicreads: WEEKEND UPDATE/ DENNIS MILLER. Cheers andapplause.]

Don Pardo V/O: And, now, “Weekend Update” withanchorperson, Dennis Miller!

[Dissolve to Dennis at the WU desk where he, too,grooves to the beat.]

Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, andwhat can I tell you?

This week, after ordering the release of all foreignhostages, Iraqi President Saddam Hussein reiteratedhis vow to never get out of Kuwait — that’s final.Hearing the news while visiting South America,President Bush bristled and, in an effort to sendHussein a strong message, squeezed a piece ofanthracite coal into a diamond. [Photo of Bushgritting his teeth while making a fist] …

Twenty-three of the departing hostages were about toleave today but, when they found out their flight wason Northwest Airlines, they chose to stay. …[applause]

Iraqi airports — one of the few airports in the worldwhere they have a metal detector when you getoff the plane. …

In the Persian Gulf this week, some of the U.S. Armysoldiers were tricked into selling their M-1 tank fora bag of, quote, “magic sand.” … The – the soldiersnow plan to trade an Apache helicopter for some “magicwater” because without magic water, the magic sandjust won’t work. …

And actress Brooke Shields was denied a visa this weekto visit our troops in Saudi Arabia for the holidays.Spokesmen in the Gulf said, “First off, she’s abeautiful young woman. Secondly, she often wearsscanty clothing. And third, and most importantly, didyou see Blue Lagoon? What in the hell was THATall about?” …

The United States has begun a secret airlift of agroup of anti-Qaddafi Libyans living in Chad. In arelated story, the Anti-Qaddafi Libyans Living in Chadsaid that their new album, “We are the Anti-QaddafiLibyans Living in Chad” will be out in late January…. And, you know, if you haven’t seen theAnti-Qaddafi Libyans Living in Chad live, you arereally missing something. …

General Colin Powell, Chairman of the U.S. JointChiefs of Staff, met this week with British PrimeMinister John Major to talk about the Gulf crisis at10 Downing Street. Powell then went to the suburbs ofLondon where he inspected a dirty Q-Tip factory.[Photo of Powell inspecting British Beefeaters, theirblack fur helmets looking like dirty cotton swabs]…

The FBI monitored over fourteen hundred telephonecalls made by General Manuel Noriega from his prisoncell between February and November. The FBI expressedconcern over language it believed may have includedencoded messages concerning drug and money transferssuch as the following passage: “Tell the Domino’sPizza in Bogota that I want ten thousand grams oftheir best pizza delivered to my friend Jaime Escolarin Miami. … He is very, very hungry and will pay incash or deutschemarks.” …

Pope John Paul II appeared on the balcony in VaticanCity this week to speak an encyclical to over threehundred thousand people but then turned and ran inconfusion when the crowd greeted him with Arsenio’s”woof woof woof” thing. [Dennis demonstrates] …[applause]

In an effort to diminish further misunderstanding,Jewish and Catholic leaders met at the Vatican thisweek to begin a dialogue. Here are some of thedialogue excerpts: “You did, too, kill Him.” “We didnot.” “Did, too!” “Did not!” … The two groups hopeto reach an agreement sometime next century….

To help relieve the Russian food crisis, the U.S. hasbeen sending as much aid as they can afford. Thirtythousand cases of black licorice, a similar amount ofprune juice, and a couple cases of beets have beensent over so far. And there are plans to send morestuff nobody here likes — and they’re now underway….

After weeks of mounting tension, a million dollars atstake, and the World Chess Championship on the line,Garry Kasparov went berserk yesterday, took off all ofhis clothes and yelled, “Yahtzee!” …[applause] Thank you.

[Photo of unidentified mustachioed Mideasterner]Ladies? Beware of this man. He will attempt to romanceyou away from your husband. …

And the New York City Board of Education isconsidering a cucumber curic’lem – curriculum … inorder to teach students how to use condoms. It hasdevised a program in which students will be given twocondoms and a cucumber or a zucchini on which to putthe condom to demonstrate how it is used. … Astudent body spokesman, Billy Eckhart, said, “Great. Igot enough peer pressure. Now, I’ve gotta spend therest of my life trying to live up to vegetables. …Yeah. Isn’t there–? [cheers and applause] Isn’t theresome way we can demonstrate these things on those babycorns you get at Thai restaurants?” …

[Photo of Vice President Dan Quayle standing next toan auctioneer] And Christie’s auction house onManhattan’s East Side this week, auctioned off DanQuayle at their annual Curiosity Sale. … Quaylebrought thirty-eight dollars and forty cents at theauction but was returned later in the day by anunidentified buyer from Houston, Texas because he saidthe Vice President was broken. …

Singer Sinead O’Connor this week told journalistMarcelle Clements that she has a preference for blackmen. The singer said, “I don’t just like black men, Ilike dark-skinned men with dark hair, dark features.They must be over thirty years old, drug free and haveplenty of facial hair.” [Photo of actor Redd Foxx asFred Sanford from the TV sitcom “Sanford and Son”]When contacted, junkman Fred Sanford said, “I’mcomin’, Sinead! This is the big one, baby!” …[cheers and applause]

And Edward Scissorhands and Captain Hook were bothkilled this week when they high-fived each other at anapres-premiere party at New York City’s Hard RockCafe.

Well, you know what? It’s that time of the year,folks, and to get you into the festive spirit a littleearly, I thought I’d sing a Christmas carol. Assistingme will, of course, be — me. Hey,squeeb-squaw.

[Pull back to reveal a second Dennis Miller — withmatching suit, tie, blow-dry haircut, pencil and sheafof papers — sitting next to the real Dennis.]

2nd Dennis Miller: Hey, keakoe. …

Dennis Miller: You wanna try “JingleBells”?

2nd Dennis Miller: I think we need three partharmony for that one, baba ganoush. …

Dennis Miller: Baba ganoush?

2nd Dennis Miller: Hey, lighten up, CaptainHairdo. You’re the one who talks like this,okaaaaay?

Dennis Miller: All right, bring up the newguy.

2nd Dennis Miller: [calls off] Hey,waterpick!

[A third Dennis Miller rolls into view, clucking andshaking his head, Dennis Miller-style. The two mockDennises cluck and draw cheers and applause, much tothe real Dennis’ embarrassment.]

Dennis Miller: All right. Let’s – let’s – let’s- let’s – let’s – let’s just– Let’s just sing thissong, okay?

2nd Dennis Miller: Hey, chill out, MitchMiller! Okay, Quak-a-po-keek-ko-quawk.

Dennis Miller: All right, all right. Let megive you the tone here. [takes out a pitch pipe andblows a note]

3rd Dennis Miller: Ho, ho, where’d you pickthat up? Juilliard, babe?

Dennis Miller: [to the crowd] I’ve created anattitude monster. [to his fellow Millers] Let’s justsing, all right?

2nd Dennis Miller: Okay.

Dennis Miller: One, two, three —

All Three Dennis Millers: [singing]Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh

[simultaneously running their hands through theirblow-dried hair]Dashing through the snow
[snow begins to fall from above]

2nd Dennis Miller: In a one horse opensleigh

3rd Dennis Miller: O’er the fields wego

All Three Dennis Millers:
Laughing all the way

[simultaneously doing Dennis’ trademark high-pitched”ha haaa” laugh]

Dennis Miller: Bells on Bob-tail’sring

2nd Dennis Miller: [spoken] Hey, what thehell’s a “bob-tail,” cha-cha?

3rd Dennis Miller:
Don’t be a big pain in the ass
Just sing the freakin’ song

All Three Dennis Millers:
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way
Oh, what fun …

[The mock Millers lapse into clucking, shaking theirheads, running their hands through their hair. Thereal Dennis gets fed up.]

Dennis Miller: Enough! Enough! Enough!

All Three Dennis Millers: [finishing thesong]Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse opensleigh!
[spoken]Guess what, folks? That’s the news and we are out ofhere!

[The three Millers do Dennis’ trademark pencil in theair signature and groove to “Instant Karma” — cheersand applause as we fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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