Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 16: Episode 9
90i: Dennis Quaid / The Neville Brothers
A Message From the President of the United States
President George Bush…..Dana Carvey
George Bush: Good evening. Happy holidays to you all. Once against it’s that festive season. Tonight our Jewish friends observe the fifth night of Hanukkah, the celebration of a military victory won centuries ago in a part of the world where today 400,000 brave Americans await my order to annihilate Iraq. None of us want war in that whole area out over there. But as commander-in- chief. I am ever cognizant of my authority to launch a full-scale orgy of death there in the desert sands. Probably won’t, but then again, I might. And if we do go to war, I can assure you—it will not be another Vietnam. Because we learned well the simple lesson of Vietnam: “Stay out of Vietnam.” They’ll beat you bad, b-a-a-d. But this time is different, because the world is behind us. Critics say, why is the U.S. doing all the work? Not true. Seventy-eight countries are contributing to Operation Desert Shield. Not all are sending troops—sure. But giving what they are able. From Belgium, nylon helmut covers. From Nwe Zealand, socks, ranging from sizes six through twelve. Six is small. Twelve, that’s big. Me, I’m a ten and a half. Could wear a ten. Wouldn’t be prudent. From the Congo, Ray-Ban sunglasses—two pair. From Yugoslayia, men’s swimming trunks. From Mexico, salsa. And the list goes on. You see, world behind us, not like Vietnam. And this time, our strike will be swift and deadly. I know you’re watching, Saddam. And time is running out. The deadline—the morning of January fifteenth. One month from today. And when that morning dawns, you won’t be hearing the chirping birds. You’ll be hearing something very different—something like this…
[Bomb whistle]
George Bush: Then nuthin’. You wait—KABOOM! Then…
[Bomb whistle]
George Bush: —nuthin’, you’re lucky it’s a dud. Then—
[Bomb whistle]
George Bush: —KABOOM! Short fuse, heh, heh, heh. And finally the las thing you’ll hear as you pass into oblivion: “Live From New York, It’s Saturday Night!”
Submitted by: Keaton Safar
