Dysfunctional Family Christmas


Dysfunctional Family Christmas

Dad…..Phil Hartman
Mom…..Jan Hooks
Son…..Dana Carvey
Other Son…..Mike Myers
Daughters…..Julia Sweeney and Victoria Jackson

Announcer: It’s that time of year, when families get together to reopen old feelings. And Silver Bell Records is proud to present a Dysfunctional Family Christmas. This is the album your family is sure to cherish for Christmases to come.

[ SUPER: “Let’s Pretend We Like Each Other (This Christmas)” ]

Dad: [ singing ]“Christmastime, you force a smile
Everyone is joining in the group denial
Folks behaving infantile
Family Christmastime.”

Announcer: Hit after dysfunctional hit. Songs like “The Almost Perfect Christmas”:

Female Chorus: “Dinner is perfect, the presents are perfect
The tree and the parlors are perfect fun.”

Male Chorus: “Then your brother, yells at your mother.”

Altogether: “Christmas is ruined for everyone.”

Announcer: Get timeless hits like “Someday I’ll Get Christmas Right”, “I’ve Got My Drinking Under Control For The Holidays”, “Peace On Earth? Where?”, and “The Daughter Song”:

Female Chorus: “Presents and wrapping paper
Ribbons and bows and all that stuff.
Why do we even bother?
Nothing we get you is good enough!”

Announcer: And this country Christmas classic:

[ SUPER: “Ballad of the Co-Dependent” ]

Dad: “Every Christmas when you got drunk
I told the children you were not drunk.
And I said, “Tommy, you’re not being bad,
It’s just Christmas makes your Mommy mad.”

Announcer: You’ll get “Cant’ You Let It Drop, It’s Christmas”, “What I Want You Can’t Buy Me”, “Fruitcake And Shame”, and “Why Am I The Only One Who Knows What Christmas Really Means?” And many more.

[ SUPER: “Why Am I Here? (The ‘Pretty’ Song)” ]

Mom: “Underneath the mistletoe
Is a 2×2 jingle bell world.
And underneath all those extra pounds
is a very pretty girl.”

[ SUPER: “Runny Funny Daddy” ]

Kids: “Daddy’s nose is red and runny
Daddy’s voice is rough and funny.
Anmd the only words I can understand
are ‘God’ and ‘Damn’ and ‘Christmas'”.

Announcer: Just imagine – 24 timeless standards, including the classic “Carol Of Intimacy”:

Son: “Leave me alone! Please go away!
I’m doing fine! Just get away!
“Leave me alone! Please go away!
I’m doing fine! Just get away!
“Leave me alone! Please go away!
I’m doing fine! Just get away!”


Announcer: To order, call 1-800-GET-HELP tpday. Operators are standing by.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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5 years ago

Great SNL times

4 years ago

Song is very good.

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