Godfather Bush


Godfather Bush

President George Bush…..Dana Carvey
Mr. Salatso…..Joe Mantegna
Saddam Hussein…..Phil Hartman

[ open on interior, Italian restaurant, President George Bush seated at table with Mr. Salatso and Saddam Hussein ] [ Music Over: Italian muzak straight from the “Godfather” movies ]

President George Bush: I want to.. thank you for.. for arranging this meeting, Mr. Salatso.

Mr. Salatso: Well, nobody wants a war. If I can help make the peace, it’s good for my family; it’s good for everybody.

Saddam Hussein: So, how’s the Italian food in this place?

Mr. Salatso: Good! Try the veal! Now, Saddam.. I’m gonna talk to the president in Italian, if you don’t mind.

Saddam Hussein: Fine.

Mr. Salatso: Questa cosa Kuwaita e una cosa brutta per tutti. Ma e una cosa di business.

President George Bush: Io voglio solo che Saddam… partire da Kuwaita in tutto.. tutto.. Whatever, completely out. Molto rapido senza linkage. No linkage. No linkage. Non e prudente a questa juncture. No, no puo gonna do it. No.. puo.. gonna.. do it!

And now, if you’ll.. if you’ll excuse me.. I’ve got to go to the little boy’s room – if that’s okay.

Saddam Hussein: If you gotta go, you got to go. [ Mr. Salatso stands to frisk Bush ] I frisked him. Bush is clean.

Mr. Salatso: Don’t take too long.

President George Bush: Yeah. Okay. [ exits table ] [ cut to interior, bathroom; Bush enters stall, hyperventilating ]

President George Bush: Calm down.. just calm down.. calm down! It’s okay, it’s okay.. Quayle said he’d tape the gun to the toilet. [ feels around the toilet, but can’t find the gun ] Damn! That idot! Should’ve had Sununu do it! Now, where’s that gun?! [ looks into toilet bowl ] Oh.. there it is. [ reaches into bowl, pulls out wet, soaking gun ] That bumbling fool boob! That does it – that’s the last important thing he does! [ grabs paper towels ] Just dry it off there.. Now.. now, just calm down. Breathe, breathe, breathe! [ breathes heavily ] Breathe, breathe! Just relax.. relax the body.. Easy – just two shots to the head.. drop the gun.. walk out of there – don’t run; wouldn’t be prudent!

[ Bush exits bathroom and returns to table ] [ as Mr. Salatso speaks, camera tightens in on Bush, whose face is in disarray as he readies himself to assassinate Saddam Hussein ]

Mr. Salatso: Mr. President. We gotta talk about territory. Give Saddam the two islands. Let the man wet his beak a little. I mean, why should the El Salvo Family control Kuwait? They’re cutting the other families out of the action in this.. January 15th date. Maybe we could push it back a little, say, maybe, to St. Patrick’s Day! I mean, they’ve got tents to take down! The logistics.. Are you listening to a word I’m saying?

[ Bush stands and points gun at Saddam’s head; the empty gun fires no bullets ]

President George Bush: [ throws the gun down ] That’s it – he’s off the ticket! [ stomps out of restaurant ] [ music sting ]

Saddam Hussein: What was that all about?!

Mr. Salatso: I’m sorry. All I can say is, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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