President George Bush…..Dana Carvey
Mr. Salatso…..Joe Mantegna
Saddam Hussein…..Phil Hartman
[ open on interior, Italian restaurant, President George Bush seated at table with Mr. Salatso and Saddam Hussein ] [ Music Over: Italian muzak straight from the “Godfather” movies ]
President George Bush: I want to.. thank you for.. for arranging this meeting, Mr. Salatso.
Mr. Salatso: Well, nobody wants a war. If I can help make the peace, it’s good for my family; it’s good for everybody.
Saddam Hussein: So, how’s the Italian food in this place?
Mr. Salatso: Good! Try the veal! Now, Saddam.. I’m gonna talk to the president in Italian, if you don’t mind.
Saddam Hussein: Fine.
Mr. Salatso: Questa cosa Kuwaita e una cosa brutta per tutti. Ma e una cosa di business.
President George Bush: Io voglio solo che Saddam… partire da Kuwaita in tutto.. tutto.. Whatever, completely out. Molto rapido senza linkage. No linkage. No linkage. Non e prudente a questa juncture. No, no puo gonna do it. No.. puo.. gonna.. do it!
And now, if you’ll.. if you’ll excuse me.. I’ve got to go to the little boy’s room – if that’s okay.
Saddam Hussein: If you gotta go, you got to go. [ Mr. Salatso stands to frisk Bush ] I frisked him. Bush is clean.
Mr. Salatso: Don’t take too long.
President George Bush: Yeah. Okay. [ exits table ] [ cut to interior, bathroom; Bush enters stall, hyperventilating ]
President George Bush: Calm down.. just calm down.. calm down! It’s okay, it’s okay.. Quayle said he’d tape the gun to the toilet. [ feels around the toilet, but can’t find the gun ] Damn! That idot! Should’ve had Sununu do it! Now, where’s that gun?! [ looks into toilet bowl ] Oh.. there it is. [ reaches into bowl, pulls out wet, soaking gun ] That bumbling fool boob! That does it – that’s the last important thing he does! [ grabs paper towels ] Just dry it off there.. Now.. now, just calm down. Breathe, breathe, breathe! [ breathes heavily ] Breathe, breathe! Just relax.. relax the body.. Easy – just two shots to the head.. drop the gun.. walk out of there – don’t run; wouldn’t be prudent![ Bush exits bathroom and returns to table ] [ as Mr. Salatso speaks, camera tightens in on Bush, whose face is in disarray as he readies himself to assassinate Saddam Hussein ]
Mr. Salatso: Mr. President. We gotta talk about territory. Give Saddam the two islands. Let the man wet his beak a little. I mean, why should the El Salvo Family control Kuwait? They’re cutting the other families out of the action in this.. January 15th date. Maybe we could push it back a little, say, maybe, to St. Patrick’s Day! I mean, they’ve got tents to take down! The logistics.. Are you listening to a word I’m saying?[ Bush stands and points gun at Saddam’s head; the empty gun fires no bullets ]
President George Bush: [ throws the gun down ] That’s it – he’s off the ticket! [ stomps out of restaurant ] [ music sting ]
Saddam Hussein: What was that all about?!
Mr. Salatso: I’m sorry. All I can say is, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“