I’m Chillin’


I’m Chillin’

Onski…..Chris Rock
B-Fats…..Chris Farley

Announcer: Live, from the Marcy Projects, it’s “I’m Chillin’!”

[ Onski and B-Fats hip-hop heir way into their crub full of hot dancing ladies ]

Onksi: Yo, what’s up! Welcome to “I’m Chillin’!”, the most stupefying show on TV! I’m your host Onski, to the highest degree, to the T.O.P., it’s all about mu-ee! And sittin’ by my side is my main man, my Toucan Sam, my can of Spam, his name ain’t Pam, he goes by the name of B-Fats! Yo, B, tell ’em how you feel!

Yo, I’m chillin’ like Bob Dylan, and I’m killin’ like penicillin!

Onksi: Yo, B! Yo B, yo B! You clockin’ the hos!

B-Fats: The ones that’s willin’!

Onksi: I hear that, boy! Now, before I start the show – I said before I start the show – I want to say, “Wuzzup!” to our new sponsor. That’s right! I want to say, “Wuzzup!” to F’d Up! malt liquor! That’s right! F’d Up malt liquor! Because the bold taste of F’d Up malt liquor is guaranteed to do just that – get you F’d Up! Remember – the F is for Fired!

B-Fats: Yo, Onski, pass me a 40 Dog.

Onksi: Here ya go, baby.

B-Fats: You know, Onski, I heard that Prince is all that and a bag of.. chips.

Onksi: Yo, man, I don’t like Prince! Don’t play me like that, man! I don’t like Prince, alright!

B-Fats: Don’t base me, I heard you got all his albums.

Onksi: Yo, man, I don’t got all of Prince’s albums! All I got is Purple Rain, alright! I like “Darling Nikki”, okay! Okay! Okay! Yo, yo, forget that, man, yo it’s about that time, man!

B-Fats: Time to bust a rhyme?

Onksi: No-aw, B.

B-Fats: Time to shoot a mime?

Onksi: No-aw, B. It’s time for the Mother Joke of the Day! That’s right! Today’s Mother Joke was sent to us from the Big Daddy Chain of the Thompkins Projects, Apt. C, right next to the incinerator. And it go a little something like the-ess: “Yo! Your mother got so much hair under her arm, it look like she got Buckwheat in a headlock!” Don Pardo, tell ‘im what he get for that!

Announcer: You win.. a Raiders cap. That’s right, a genuine Raiders cap, just like the one worn by every black teen in the city!

Onksi: Yo, Don! Tell ‘im what else he get!

Announcer: You’ll also win a gold tooth! A genuine three-karat gold tooth, just like the one worn by rapper Flavor-Flav!

Onksi: And if you don’t like that, you can get..

Together: ..the bozac!

Onksi: Now, right now we’re gonna show a world-premiere video from my man, Ice Cube called “Kill At Will”. That’s what we gonna do right- [ Onski’s beeper ges off ] Ah, ga! you know, we gotta go right now. That’s my beeper beepin’, so I ain’t sleepin’, you know what I’m sayin’? I gotta go pick up my baby’s mother, you know what I’m sayin’, ’cause she’s a cashier down at Popeye’s. You know what I’m sayin’? You know what I’m sayin’? Righrt now, I want you to remember one thing. Always wipe, and stay off the pipe. And if somebody ax you what you doin’, tell ’em..

Together: I’m Chillin’!

[ title in, fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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