Officer Miller…..Phil Hartman
“He’s concerned and he’s nice, he’s..
He gives out free advice, he’s..
If you’re down and in doubt
you’ll be glad he’s about
so just give him a shout!
Officer Miller: “That’s me!”
[ open on Officer Miller walking up to Billy, who’s sitting on the stoop smoking a cigarette ]
Officer Miller: Hi, Billy!
Billy: Hi, Officer Miller!
Officer Miller: I see you’ve.. started smoking.
Billy: Yes, sir. It kinda makes me feel like one of the oldr guys. Want one?
Officer Miller: No, I keep something else in my pocket, Billy. [ removes pictures from pocket ] Pictures. Wanna see ’em?
Billy: Sure! [ looks at first picture ] Wow.. what’s that?
Officer Miller: That’s a human lung, Billy. A healthy one! Pink, clean, fresh – good enough to eat. [ flips through pictures ] Now, this is a smoker’s lung, Billy. All tar and tumors. Not a pretty sight.
Billy: No.. it isn’t..
Officer Miller: [ flips through the pictures ] Oh. Take a look at this one. This is a guy who had to have his jaw removed. Yeah. He’s a funny-looking sort, isn’t he? Talk about your weak chin!
[ they both laugh, though Billy isn’t too sure sure why he’s laughing with Officer Miller ]
Billy: Whoa, what’s this one?
Officer Miller: Oh, that’s an enlarged prostate, Billy. We’ll talk about that some other time.
Officer Miller: Say, why aren’t you playing ball with your friends today?
Billy: Well.. I got a lot on my mind. My grades.. the Middle East.. Why are we over there, Officer Miller?
Officer Miller: Well, it has something to do with freedom, Billy.
Billy: What is freedom, anyway?
Officer Miller: [ thinking ] I think Kris Kristofferson said it best: “Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to do. Nothing ain’t worth nothing, but it’s free.” [ he can see Billy doesn’t draw the connection ] Let me see if I can put it another way. There’s an old Persian proverb that says, “Every man is free to jmp as high as his own penis.”
Billy: [ more confused ] What does that mean?
Officer Miller: How old are you, Billy?
Officer Miller: Ah, 14. [ reflects ]
Billy: I guess there’s a lot I don’t understand.
Officer Miller: Well, part of it comes from the fact that you’re at the age we call puberty. Right now, your body is producing enough testosterone to kill a man in his fifties.
Billy: Um.. sometimes.. when I see a woman just walking across the street.. I look at her body, and I just want to JUMP ON HER!! AND CLIMB ALL OVER HER!! UNDRESS HER WITH MY TEETH!! [ moan quietly ]
Officer Miller: [ looking away ] O-kay.. okay.
Billy: I just wish there were some way to tell if women are attracted to me.
Officer Miller: Well, Billy, humans are unlucky in that department. You see, in the rest of the animal kingdom, the female gives off very clear signals that she’s an estress and eager to rot with any available male. It might be a scent, or a particular call, or, in the case of the chukma baboon, the female genitalia becames flared and swollen! It looks like a big, red catcher’s mitt. Unfortunately, humans have to wear clothes. So, any display of swelling or discoloration is hidden.
Billy: Oh.. I see..
Officer Miller: So, the human female has to be a little more subtle. She might show her approval with a smile, or a gesture, or the way she moves her hips when she walks. Turning a means of locomotion into the act of trolling for our attention. Do you know what a “tease” is, Billy?
Billy: I think.. Sherry O’Donnell?
Officer Miller: Exactly. And there are millions just like her. [ chuckles ] You know, society is funny. A man’s not supposed to notice or say anything, he’s just supposed to stand there with a big smile on his face. Stand there, in his thick, scratchy, blue uniform. Maybe he forgot to wear his t-shirt that day, and his nipples are on fire! Because they’ve been rubbed raw against the stiff wool-
Billy: [ jumps up quickly ] Well, I gotta go play ball, Officer Miller-
Officer Miller: Hey, hey! Not so fast, Billy! Let me ask you – what kind of gal are you looking for?
Billy: Ohh.. somebody nice.. soomebody kind.. somebody who will love me for myself.
Officer Miller: [ laughs uproariously ] Oh, Billy. Do you remember the song, “I Want A Girl Just Like The Girl Who Married Dear Old Dad”?
Billy: [ shakes head ] No.
Officer Miller: Well, it’s an old song.
Billy: What do you look for in a woman?
Officer Miller: Well, my mother abandoned me when I was three years old, so.. I look for women who will love me for a little while, and then go away. You know, Billy, I feel the best kind of woman is the one who’s guaranteed to someday not be there.
Officer Miller: Ah, you can run along and play ball now.
Billy: Thanks, Officer Miller. [ turns to leave, then stops and hands his cigarettes to Officer Miller ] Say.. would you throw these away for me?
Officer Miller: [ smiles ] You’re a good kid, Billy. So long!
[ Billy runs off, as Officer Miller lights up a cigarette ]