Bill Swerski’s Super Fans


Bill Swerski’s Super Fans

Bill Swerski…..Joe Mantegna
Pat Arnold…..Mike Myers
Todd O’Conner…..Chris Farley
Carl Wollarski…..Rob Smigel
Danny Sheridan…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on exterior, Ditka’s Restaurant ] [ dissolve to the Round Table, where Bill Swerski and his Chicago Bears Super Fan friends sit, surroundsed by polish sausange and bratwurst ]

Bill Swerski: Good afternoon, my friends, and welcome to “Bill Swerski’s Super Fans”! I’m Bill Swerski, and with me, as always, are the Super Fans: Pat Arnold..

Pat Arnold: Hey, Bill.

Bill Swerski: ..Todd O’Conner..

Todd O’Conner: [ while chewing his food ] Bill.

Bill Swerski: ..and Carl Wollarski.

Carl Wollarski: How ya’ doing, Bill?

Bill Swerski: Alright, we’re talking here, live from Ditka’s, in the heart of Chicago, Illinois. The city of big shoulders, and home, of course, to a certain football team, which has carved out a special place in the pantheon of professional football greats. That team, which is known the world over, as.. Da Bears!

Superfans: Da Bears!!

Bill Swerski: Okay. Okay, by my watch, we’re about thirteen minutes from game time. As you are sure aware, Da Bears are getting ready for the big play-off against Da New York Giants. Now, let go around the room for some predictions. Pat?

Pat Arnold: Da Bears, 62 to 3.

Bill Swerski: Okay. Todd.

Todd O’Conner: Bears. 79-zip.

Bill Swerski: Oh, really? You don’t think that Da Giants will score?

Todd O’Conner: No, I do not! Da Bears defense is like a wall. You can’t go through it!

Bill Swerski: Alright. How about you, Carl?

Carl Wollarski: I say Bears, 52 to 14.

Pat Arnold: Oh, what? Come on!

Carl Wollarski: I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I gotta give Da Giants credit – I think they’ll give Da Bears a game!

Bill Swerski: Alright, leave him alone, that’s his prerogative! As for my prediction.. at game’s end, uh.. there won’t be two teams of contrasting moods heading off da field, my friends. One gloom, one gleeful. The gleeful, of which be.. Da Bears!

Superfans: Da Bears!!

Bill Swerski: 74 to 2! I mean, after all, our civic pride is on the line. Because, let’s face it, if New York were to somehow beat Chicago, we’d never hear the end of it.

Todd O’Conner: Aw, they would love it over there!

Bill Swerski: You know, it’s absurd, really, that we would even have to waste our time comparing ourselves to that crime-ridden rathole!

Carl Wollarski: Absolutely!

Bill Swerski: I mean, for example, which building would you rather have – the Empire State Building, or Da Sears Tower? Pat?

Pat Arnold: Sears.

Bill Swerski: Carl?

Carl Wollarski: Sears is taller.

Bill Swerski: Todd?

Todd O’Conner: Sears.

Carl Wollarski: Sears!

Superfans: Da Sears!!

Bill Swerski: Alright, alright! Now, let me shift gears here for a moment. What is God’s role in this? Obviously, he’s rooting for Da Bears.

Pat Arnold: Otherwise, he wouldn’t have put ’em in Chicago.

Carl Wollarski: That’s right.

Bill Swerski: That’s right. Da question is: Now, did God create Da Bears, and make them superior to all teams? Or is he simply a huge fan, and Ditka made them superior to all other teams?

Carl Wollarski: That’s a tough one.

[ Waitress interrupts ]

Waitress: Alright, guys, here’s your food. Who had da bratwurst?

Pat Arnold: I had da bratwurst.

Waitress: Alright. Bratwurst. [ places down tray ]

Carl Wollarski: I had da Polish sausage!

Todd O’Conner: I ordered a knockwurst and pork chops!

Bill Swerski: Yeah.. please, next time, bring da food during da commercials, darling, alright?

Waitress: Just doing my job.

Bill Swerski: Yeah, alright.

[ Waitress exits ]

Todd O’Conner: Could you pass the ketchup?

Bill Swerski: Okay, well.. I see now that it’s almost time for the foregone conclusion that is today’s game.

Pat Arnold; Not gonna be pretty!

Todd O’Conner: Bears!

Superfans: Bears!!

Bill Swerski: Now, gentlemen, let me ask you this: What if Da Bears were all 14 inches tall, you know, about so high? Now, what’s your score of today’s game?

Carl Wollarski: Against Da Giants?

Bill Swerski: Yes, give ’em a handicap.

Carl Wollarski: Bears 18, Giants 10. And that would finally be a good game.

Pat Arnold: Yeah, it would be a good game. Mini Bears 24, Giants 14.

Todd O’Conner: What about Ditka? Would he be mini, too?

Bill Swerski: No, he would be full-grown.

Todd O’Conner: Oh, then, uh.. Mini Bears 31, Giants 7.

Carl Wollarski: Oh, hold on. Then I change mine, too. I thought it was Mini Ditka.

Bill Swerski: Okay, gentlemen, another scenario: Da Bears, they don’t make it, the plane is delayed.. and the only one who shows up is Ditka. Ditka vs. Da Giants. Okay, score, gentlemen.

Pat Arnold: Alright, after da heart attack, I gotta say Ditka 17, Giants 14. He just barely gets by.

Bill Swerski: Alright, that sounds exciting. Perhaps, you know, a late Ditka field goal.

Todd O’Conner: Bears!

Superfans: Bears!!

[ Danny Sheridan enters round table discussion ]

Bill Swerski: Hey! As you fans know, sports celebrities like to frequent Ditka’s. And oddsmaker Danny Sheridan has just sat down with us. Now, Danny.. what would the point spread be for a game like that? Ditka vs. Da Giants. Now, remember, it’s only Ditka, not the regular Bears team.

Danny Sheridan: Okay. I’m gonna say the Giants by about.. [ thinking ] ..800.

Bill Swerski: Great, Danny. Now, are you from New York?

Carl Wollarski: He lives in New York, eh, Pat?

Bill Swerski: You like it there. You can stay there, as far as I’m concerned.

Danny Sheridan: No, it’s just that.. it’s one guy, you know-

Bill Swerski: Yeah, that’s alright. Just take your crack pipe and go home! Get outta here, Danny!

Todd O’Conner: Yeah, go shoot somebody with a gun!

[ Danny Sheridan exits the room ]

Bill Swerski: Alright, now let’s get back to our discussion. Bears vs. the Assembled Choir of Heavenly Angels.

Pat Arnold: The whole choir?

Bill Swerski: Well, Saraphone, Jerebone – the whole nine yards.

Pat Arnold: Angels.

Carl Wollarski: Angels, but it’s close.

Todd O’Conner: Bears!

Bill Swerski: Alright. Ditka vs. God in a golf match. Now, he’s a good golfer.

Pat Arnold: Ditka.

Todd O’Conner: Dit-ka!

Carl Wollarski: Ditka.

Bill Swerski: Well, I see they’re setting up the 40-foot screen, so I guess it’s game time. Now, you enjoy the game, folks. Now, remember, next week – Bears-Niners. Alright, now Bears vs Stephen Douglas in a debate, what do you think?

Superfans: Da Bears!! Da Bears!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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