The Sinatra Group
Frank Sinatra…..Phil Hartman
Sinead O’Conner…..Jan Hooks
Luther Campbell…..Chris Rock
Steve Lawrence…..Mike Myers
Eydie Gorme…..Victoria Jackson
Announcer: The Sinatra Group. An unrehearsed discussion of current issues in the recording industry. With panelists Sinead O’Connor, Billy Idol, 2 Live Crew star Luther Campbell, and Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme. And now, here’s the moderator, Frank Sinatra.
Frank Sinatra: Issue number one: Censorship. They got the records with the labels now, people getting arrested. What the hell’s going on? Sine-aid O’Conner!
Sinead O’Connor: Well, I thnk it’s a bloody shame that freedom of expression is suppressed in this country..
Frank Sinatra: Yap, yap, yap! Billy Idol!
Billy Idol: I think they’re all a bunch of tight-assed old farts.
Frank Sinatra: Get a haircut. Luther Campbell!
Luther Campbell: Well, man I had my run-ins with censorship all year.
Frank Sinatra: Can’t understand a word.
Luther Campbell: I said I was censored all year.
Frank Sinatra: You don’t know what censored is, junior. Censored is being dumped by Columbia because Mitch Miller doesn’t like the way your career is going. It’s having million-dollar pipes and nowhere to play ’em. Am I right, Steve and Eydie?
Steve Lawrence: Yes, you are, Frank.
Eydie Gorme: Absolutely, Frank.
Frank Sinatra: You bet I am. Next issue: this crap with M-TV. With the nudity and all. What is this crap? Sinbad O’Connor.
Sinead O’Connor: Well, I think it’s bloody awful. But it’s typical of entertainment in a male-dominated society.
Frank Sinatra: Boo-hoo! You had me, and then you lost me! Billy Idol.
Billy Idol: I think it’s great.
Frank Sinatra: Shut up! Luther Campbell.
Luther Campbell: Well, that’s my bread and butter, man.
Frank Sinatra: Once more around, pal. Sounds like pops and buzzes from here.
Luther Campbell: I said, that’s my bread and butter, man.
Frank Sinatra: No, you’re wrong, schoolboy. You don’t need to work blue! You’ll never play the big rooms with that crap. Ask Redd Foxx. You don’t need the blue stuff, kid, you got talent!
Luther Campbell: But I don’t have talent.
Frank Sinatra: You’ve got it, kid. You listen to me – you’ve got a Ben Vereen quality, I can’t put my finger on it. Take the high road, baby!
Luther Campbell: I swear, man, I don’t have any talent. None! This is all I got. [ to Billy Idol ] Tell him, man.
Billy Idol: Yeah, he sucks!
Sinead O’Connor: He’s not talented.
Frank Sinatra: No, Bob Goulet – that’s not talented! You got talent! You got a Dionne Warwick/Falana kind of thing going. Steve and Eydie?
Eydie Gorme: Oh, you’re right, Frank.
Steve Lawrence: Absolutely. He’s great!
Frank Sinatra: Of course he is, you brownnoses. Look at you, you’re just swimming in my wake. Issue number three: [ points to Sinead ] This bald chick – what’s with her head? Let’s start with the chick. What gives, cue ball? I’m looking at you, I’m thinking: fourteen in the side pocket!
Sinead O’Connor: I can’t believe you’re talking about my hair with all the bloody starvation and suffering in the world right now.
Frank Sinatra: Come on! Swing, baby, you’re platinum! Billy Idol.
Billy Idol: I think she’s really quite attractive.
Frank Sinatra: Check out his papers. Luther Campbell!
Billy Idol: You watch it, mate!
Frank Sinatra: Easy, baby! And what’s with the sneering crap? [ Billy sneers ] Don’t do that to the people, they want to like you! That’s what killed Dennis day – contempt for the audience. Luther Campbell! What about the chick’s head?
Luther Campbell: Be honest, I don’t care about the head. I like the butt.
Frank Sinatra: I hear you, baby. Forget the head. Put a bag over it and do your business! Am I right, Steve and Eydie?
Steve Lawrence: [ slow to answer ] You bet, Frank!
Eydie Gorme: You know it, Chairman!
Frank Sinatra: You were a little slow that time.
Steve and Eydie: Sorry, Frank.
Frank Sinatra: Forget it, you’re alright. You could pick up a check once in a while..
Eydie Gorme: Frank, that’s not fair.
Frank Sinatra: Shut up! Okay, issue number four: Milli Vanilli. What is this faggot crap? Uncle Fester!
Sinead O’Connor: I don’t understand the question.
Frank Sinatra: I’ll tell you what you better understand! Next time you see Old Glory riding up that pole, you better sing that anthem, darling! You’re lucky you’re a chick, or you’d be nothing but a stain on the road and a crewcut. Our founding fathers went to the mat for you, baby!
Sinead O’Connor: It’s not my flag – I’m Irish.
Frank Sinatra: Oh? Well, then stay off of this stuff.. [ mimes drinking ] That’s the curse of you people. Billy Idol!
Billy Idol: I forgot the bloody question.
Frank Sinatra: I’ll tell you the question – What the hell’s with this Devil stuff? The whole black mass, and the whole six-six-six, coffins thing? Don’t think the Big Man ain’t keeping score, baby! He put you in the penthouse, and He can kick you back down to the gutter with these two! [ points to Steve & Eydie ]
Steve and Eydie: Hey! Geez!
Frank Sinatra: Shut up, you wastes of space! Just be glad you get to hang with me!
Steve Lawrence: You’re right, Frank.
Eydie Gorme: Sorry.
Frank Sinatra: It’s your choice. You can open for me at the Meadowlands, or you can headline at the Tick Tock Inn. Okay, Luther!
Luther Campbell: I think Milli Vanilli got what htey deserved.
Frank Sinatra: Can’t understand a word. Next issue – Rita Hayworth or Ava Gardner, who would you rather nail? I disqualify myself, because I’ve done them both.
Billy Idol: I think you’re a bloody, stupid old fart!
Frank Sinatra: You’re all talk, blondie! You want a piece of me? I’m right here!
Billy Idol: Don’t provoke me, old man.
Frank Sinatra: You don’t scare me. I’ve got chunks of guys like you in my stool!
Billy Idol: Alright, I’ll rip your bloody head off.
Frank Sinatra: Steve, go kick his ass.
Steve Lawrence: [ confused ] What?
Frank Sinatra: You heard me!
Eydie Gorme: Do it, Steve!
Steve Lawrence: Huh? Well.. okay.. [ stands over Billy ]
Billy Idol: You got it. [ punches Steve in the gut, knocking him to the floor ]
Frank Sinatra: Next week, the Grammy Awards. Where the hell is Vicki Carr’s album? Bye bye. [ overlooking the fight ] Keep the hands up, Steve..
[ fade ]