Wayne Campbell…..Mike Myers
Garth Algar…..Dana Carvey
Announcer: “Saturday Night Live” will be seen immediately following this Excellent Report.
Wayne & Garth: [ singing ] “Wayne’s World! Special Report! Party Time! Excellent!”
Wayne: Welcome to “Wayne’s World: Special Report”! I’m your excellent host, Wayne Campbell! With me, as always, is Garth.
Garth: Party on, Wayne!
Wayne: Party on, Garth! Okay! For the last 72 hours, all we’ve been doing is watching television coverage of the War in the Gulf. Non-stop
Garth: We haven’t been out of the basement in three days!
Wayne: We’ve got three sets down here, man! It’s a media circus! One set is on CNN, one set is on NBC, and one set is on ABC. We ddin’t even both with CBS, because, I’m sorry, their coverage sucks! Dan Rather – not! Okay, we’ve been surviving on a diet of Pizza Hut Pizza and Jolt Cola, so.. we’re a little fried.
Garth: Yeah, man! Whoa-oa-oa-oa!!
Wayne: But we’re riding a humungoid caffeine and sugar buzz. I mean, I could bend spoons with my mind!
Garth: I’m so tired, that for a while there I was starting to hallucinate, man! ‘Cause at 4 in the morning, Garrett Utley started to look like an alien! I just wanted to grab his big head and go, “Bleeeaaaggggghhhh!!!”
Wayne: Okay! Our job tonight is more to inform than to entertain, because, after 72 hours of non-stop three-set intense watching – I mean, we got so sucked into the coverage, we didn’t even bother to go upstairs. I mean, we just whizzed in the laundry room sink, you know? So, I don’t mean to sound conceited, but we are now experts in the fieldof military hardware and media coverage. Alright, Garh, quiz me.
Garth: Alright, what is the range and speed of the Patriot missile?
Wayne: Alright. The MIM-104 Patriot, with a range of 37 miles at a speed of Mach-3, primarily used against aircraft, but battle-tested for the first time against Scud.
Garth: He shoots, he scores! Excellent!
Wayne: Now, it’s time for the Best/Worst list of media coverage.
Wayne & Garth: [ singing ] “Best/Worst! Best/Worst! Party Time! Excellent!”
Garth: Okay! Best name of a correspondent!
Wayne: Brick Hugh, ABC. Geez, I wish that was my name! It sounds like James Bond, you know? [ imitates ] “Hugh. Brick Hugh.” Congratulations! Good work, my friend! Okay, Worst Name. CNN Pentagon Correspondent, Wolf Blitzer? Shyeah, right!
Garth: It’s so obvious the guy made it up for the war!
Wayne: Yeah! I know, it’s like, “Hi, we now take you to our War Correspondent, Howitzer Explosion Guy.” Okay! Best Military Hardware Name. Scud.
Garth: Scud! Scud! A Soviet-made short-range blitzing missile with a speed of Mach-1, and a range of 300 miles!
Wayne: Good work, my friend!
Wayne: You know, the first time I heard the word “Scud”, I thought it was like, you know when you see a really pretty chick walking down the street, about 30 feet away, and you saiy, “Hello! Babe alert!” Right? But when you get closer, you go, “Oh, my God! She’s a scud!” It’s just like the missile, right? You’ve got medium-range chick scuds, and long-range chick scuds.. it’s brutal!
Garth: Alright, Worst Map. “Nightline”, ABC. What were they thinking!
Wayne: I know, it’s like a sandbox! I built a volcano in the third grade that looked better! Okay! Best Video. The Pentagon Smart Bomb tape. You know, the one that’s so accurate it goes through the door? You know, the bomb that goes, “Knock-knock!”
Garth: Who’s there?
Garth: Ka who?
Wayne: Okay, Worst Going To Commercial War Theme.
Garth: CNN, man. It was just a bunch of drums.
Wayne: Hey! Spend some money – it’s a war! Alright, Best Haircut. Ted Koppel. It looks natural..
Wayne & Garth: Not!
Garth: Sidebar! Sidebar! Watch the wind, Ted! Whoa-oa-oa! Alright! Whoa-oa-oa-oa! Alright, Most Interesting Opening Line On A Network Program.
Wayne: Okay, easy. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!” Whoa-oa!