SNL Transcripts: Kevin Bacon: 02/09/91: The Sarcastic Clapping Family of Southhampton


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 16: Episode 12

90l: Kevin Bacon / INXS

The Sarcastic Clapping Family of Southhampton

Jeffrey…..Phil Hartman
Cosima…..Jan Hooks
Colin…..Kevin Bacon
Blake…..Mike Myers
Meg…..Victoria Jackson
Chris…..Chris Farley

[ open on interior, family library, as members of the Sarcastic Clapping Family enter and sit ]

Jeffrey: Now that we’re all here, I’d just like to say one thing: I know that some of you would like to challenge Father’s will! After all, Meg and I did to rather well.. and maybe Blake and Cosima think that’s unfair! Of course, I certainly respect your right to do whatever you feel you have to do – but! For God’s sakes.. before we start getting lawyers in here, and fighting each other like greedy rats! Let’s remember one thing: we’re a family, dammit! A family!! Because there’s a lot more at stake here than mere dollars and cents! There’s the memory of a man we all loved. The man we called.. “Father”.

[ Cosima claps sarcastically ]

Cosima: Quite a performance, Jeffrey. Oh.. quite a performance, indeed. Considering the fact that you.. hated Father! No, no, no – don’t act so shocked, Jeffrey. We all know that you were just waiting for Father to die, so you could get oyur filthy hands on all his money..!! [ sobs ] [ Colin claps sarcastically ]

Colin: Nice speech, Cosima. Very nice. Considering you hadn’t seen Father in almost two years!

[ Blake claps sarcastically ]

Blake: Nice cutting observation, Colin.

[ Meg claps sarcastically ]

Meg: Nice sentence, Blake.

[ Chris claps sarcastically ]

Chris: Nice clapping, Meg!

[ Jeffrey claps sarcastically ]

Jeffrey: Nice.

[ they all clap sarcastically ] [ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: And now, a scene from the next episode of.. “The Sarcastic Clapping Family of Southhampton”.

[ dissolve to Blake and Cosima sitting around their proud Little Girl ]

Little Girl: Mommy! Daddy! Look at my picture!

[ Blake and Cosima clap sarcastically ] [ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: Next week, on.. “The Sarcastic Clapping Family of Southhampton”.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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