Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 16: Episode 12
The Sarcastic Clapping Family of Southhampton
Jeffrey…..Phil Hartman
Cosima…..Jan Hooks
Colin…..Kevin Bacon
Blake…..Mike Myers
Meg…..Victoria Jackson
Chris…..Chris Farley
Jeffrey: Now that we’re all here, I’d just like to say one thing: I know that some of you would like to challenge Father’s will! After all, Meg and I did to rather well.. and maybe Blake and Cosima think that’s unfair! Of course, I certainly respect your right to do whatever you feel you have to do – but! For God’s sakes.. before we start getting lawyers in here, and fighting each other like greedy rats! Let’s remember one thing: we’re a family, dammit! A family!! Because there’s a lot more at stake here than mere dollars and cents! There’s the memory of a man we all loved. The man we called.. “Father”.
[ Cosima claps sarcastically ]Cosima: Quite a performance, Jeffrey. Oh.. quite a performance, indeed. Considering the fact that you.. hated Father! No, no, no – don’t act so shocked, Jeffrey. We all know that you were just waiting for Father to die, so you could get oyur filthy hands on all his money..!! [ sobs ] [ Colin claps sarcastically ]
Colin: Nice speech, Cosima. Very nice. Considering you hadn’t seen Father in almost two years!
[ Blake claps sarcastically ]Blake: Nice cutting observation, Colin.
Meg: Nice sentence, Blake.
[ Chris claps sarcastically ]Chris: Nice clapping, Meg!
[ Jeffrey claps sarcastically ]Jeffrey: Nice.
[ they all clap sarcastically ] [ dissolve to title card ]Announcer: And now, a scene from the next episode of.. “The Sarcastic Clapping Family of Southhampton”.
[ dissolve to Blake and Cosima sitting around their proud Little Girl ]Little Girl: Mommy! Daddy! Look at my picture!
[ Blake and Cosima clap sarcastically ] [ dissolve to title card ]Announcer: Next week, on.. “The Sarcastic Clapping Family of Southhampton”.
