Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 16: Episode 12
Kevin Bacon’s Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Kevin Bacon!
Kevin Bacon: It really is great to bere – I gotta say, I’m a little nervous.. In fact, uh.. right now, I’m about as nervous as I’ve ever been. My heart, it’s going a mile a minute, but, you know, this is where my years of training comes in, because, as an actor, I’ve learned to control the instrument that is my body. Right now, my pulse right is at, uh.. [ feels neck ] ..it’s about 120. See, that’s nervous. So, uh.. right now, I’m just gonna bring it down.. [ pinches neck ] There we go.. gradually.. okay, we’re at 118.. 116.. yeah, here we go.. 110.. 98.. Okay.. okay.. right now, I’m at 90, which is just about perfect. So, you see what I mean, this is the kind of thing that today’s actors are trained to do. Not to take anything away from the great actors of an earlier generation – your Marlon Brandos and Dustin Hoffmans – but medical science has really come a long way in the last few years. [ licks lips ] Now.. yeah. See, as I’ve been talking to you, I’ve noticed that my mouth has gotten a little dry. So, what I’ve been doing is signalling my submaxial area glands to, uh.. produce more saliva.. [ waits ] Yeah, there we go! Mmm-hmm. Okay. Perfect. Not too wet, not too dry. So I think I’m in good shape now – pulse, 90; mouth, covered; palm.. [ feels ] ..a little sweaty, but no big deal. I’ve still got my autotomic nervous system shut down, to cover my subvasive glands.. [ presses arm, waits ] There, there we go. Now I’m ready. So, stick around.. [ pause ] Oh, no.. Oh, boy, this isn’t good. You know, I’ve been so preoccupied with my other glands, I’ plain forgot about my bladder. Well, what’s done is done, I guess. Live and learn, right? Anyway, we’ve got a great show tonight. INXS is here, so don’t go away, we’ll be right back.