Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 16: Episode 12
Weekend Update with Dennis Miller
…..A. Whitney Brown
Music Intro: “I Can See For Miles And Miles”, The Who
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with anchorperson Dennis Miller.
Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you?
Defense Secretary Dick Cheney, and Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Colin Powell have just returned from their trip to the Gulf. And a few minutes ago, they held a press conference. The word is that Powell is really pumped up and ready to go. Let’s watch.
[ Colin Powell ]
Although troop rotation plans are not yet official, the Pentagon announced that General Norman Schwartzkoff will be replaced this month by NBC weatherman Willard Scott.
Dennis Miller: You know, I don’t get it – why do we even consider a ground war? I mean, why don’t we just bomb them for the next few years? I mean, the air war is like sanctions with a bad attitude!
The Iraqis finally conceded this week that their air force had a trouble getting off the ground, blaming it on the fact that there just wasn’t enough breeze.
Last Saturday, February 2nd, was Ground War Day. Saddam Hussein came out of his underground bunker and saw his shadow, meaning there will probably be six more weeks of Iraqis getting stomped on.
President Bush, last week, accepted a trophy from the Reserved Officers Association, as he was named Minuteman of the year. A frustrated Mrs. Bush could not be reached for comment.
In yet another effort to clean up New York City, Mayor Dinkins announced this week that he is urging the City Council to pass legislation that would require alternate side of the street urinating.
Dennis Miller: Once again, it is my pleasure to introduce one of the greatest pontificators of our generation, A. Whitney Brown.
A. Whitney Brown: Well, my friends, the country is at war. And as William Tecumsah Sherman said, “War is Hell.” Actually, war is worse that Hell, because they don’t have CNN in Hell. You know, if Vietnam was the first television war, then this has got to be the first Nintendo war. It’s like a video game. Who in their wildest dreams would ever imagine that Pong would lead to this? But, to me, the real story of this war is George Bush. He has risen to become a brilliant wartime Commander-in-Chief. It’s like he was made for it! What an incredible stroke of luck for this country, that, just when we happen to get in as war, we also happen to have George Bush as President. Twice! And the most ironic thing is, that domestically, he’s a shapeless political jellyfish. You know, it’s almsot too perfect ot be true. Now, I know he said he was gonna be the Education President – he just didn’t say it was Saddam Hussein he was gonna teach a lesson to. It’s a lot of money for one student. But you have to admit, our bombs are incredibly smart. In fact, our bombs are better educated than the average high school graduate – at least it can find Kuwait. I’m not trying to suggest that the reason we have 25 million illiterates in our country is because bombs got all the education money during the Reagan years. But we do have top be careful, because if we make these bombs any smarter, they may start having second thoughts about war altogether. You know The Big Picture, friends. It’s all right for a President to make promises he doesn’t keep before he’s elected. But when he makes promises after he’s elected, it’s a matter of national honor. And we are an honorable nation. So, as I watch Baghdad being destroyed, it makes me proud to think that, in a few months, Jimmy Carter will be over there rebuilding it. That, my friends, is The Big Picture.
Dennis Miller: Thank you, Whitney. Thank you, buddy. A. Whitney Brown!
Sinead O’Conner, this week, said that she will neither attend nor perform at the February 20th Grammy Awards. When asked to explain her decision, O’Conner said, “Well, I like to be the baldest performer at any function that I attend, and I understand that the Grammy Committee has invited David Lee Roth to be a presenter.. so I’m cancelling, although I will continue to allow them to use my likeness on the Oscars.”
After years of friction and denial, the Road Runner and Coyote were finally married this week. “There’s a fine line between love and hate,” said the Road Runner, “and those traps were just his way of saying ‘Hey, I love you.'”
You know, if Gérard Depardieu is France’s biggest sex symbol, well.. I’m beginning to understand that Jerry Lewis thing just a little more.
Dennis Miller: Guess what, folks? That’s the news, and I am outta here!