Chip Bodecker…..Kevin Nealon
Rick Hurley…..Rob Schneider
Lori Turkin…..Roseanne Barr
Judy Rifkin…..Jan Hooks
Announcer: It’s time for America’s most offensive game show, “Comedy Killers”! And here’s your host, Chip Bodecker.
Chip Bodecker: Welcome to “Comedy Killers”! Alright, now for our new viewers, let’s explain how the game works. In stand-up comedy, a comedy killer is anything – it could be a word, a phrase, a topic – that is so tasteless or upsetting, that, upon hearing it, an audience will simply refuse to laugh, and instantly turn on the performer – hence, a comedy killer. Alright, let’s take a look at the board and our Comedy Killer categories – Cancer, Violence Against Women, The Holocaust, Recent Plane Crashes, The Kennedys, Child Abuse, and Potpourri. And we’ll start off with our returning champion, Rick Hurley.
Rick Hurley: Chip, I’ll take Cancer for $100.
Chip Bodecker: Alright. “A certain part of the body is usually a sure laugh, but not when afflicted with this.” [ Lori buzzes in ] Lori?
Lori Turkin: Uh.. what is Rectal Cancer?
Chip Bodecker: Good! Good! Rectal! Usually a big laugh-getter, rectal cancer. A real comedy killer. As in, “I hope you get rectal cancer.” Alright, okay, Lori, you’ve got the board.
Lori Turkin: Okay, I’ll take Child Abuse for $200.
Chip Bodecker: Alright. “Texas and Florida lead the nation in this comedy killer.” [ Judy buzzes in ] Judy?
Judy Rifkin: What are children trapped in wells?
Chip Bodecker: Yes! Children trapped in wells. No audience will laugh at that. Okay, let’s talk to our three stand-ups right now. You all know rick Hurley, our champion from Milwaukee.
Rick Hurley: That’s right, Chip. I work out of the Comedy Cellar there.
Chip Bodecker: Alrighty. And our challengers.. Judy Rifkin, you’re from..
Judy Rifkin: Yeah, uh.. I work the Laugh Barn in Boston.
Chip Bodecker: Uh-huh. And I understand you have quite a comedy killer story for us?
Judy Rifkin: Yeah! [ laughs ] Well, I was working the Laugh Inn at Spokane, and I did a long hunk in my act about the Ronald McDonald house. I mean, you know the home for, uh..
Chip Bodecker: Right, right, very sick children.
Judy Rifkin: Very sick children. And, uh, evidently it turns out that it’s a really good cause that a lot of people feel very, very strongly about, including the manager of the club, whose son –
Chip Bodecker: Okay, say no more. Let’s move on before we grind the show to a complete halt.
Judy Rifkin: Right.
Chip Bodecker: Okay. Lori Turkin, you are from?
Lori Turkin: Oh, Chip, I work out of San Diego at the Mike N’ Stool.
Chip Bodecker: Uh-huh. And I understand you have a doozy of a comedy killer story for us?
Lori Turkin: Oh, yeah. Well, you know, I’m pretty big down there in San Diego and everything. So, this one time, they asked me to come and sing the National Anthem at a Padres game?
Chip Bodecker: Uh-huh?
Lori Turkin: Anyway, I thought it would be sort of funny to do a wise guy rendition of it, you know?
Chip Bodecker: Uh-huh. And, did the audience like it?
Lori Turkin: No. No, they hated it.
Chip Bodecker: Did they laugh?
Lori Turkin: Oh, no. They just hated it.
Chip Bodecker: So, the National Anthem is a real comedy killer?
Lori Turkin: Well, in my experience, I’d have to say yes.
Chip Bodecker: Okay, let’s get back to the game. Judy, you have the board.
Judy Rifkin: Okay, let’s try The Kennedys for $100.
Chip Bodecker: Alright. “The only Kennedy you can safely make fun of.” [ Rick beats Judy to the buzz ] Rick, you were first.
Rick Hurley: Who is Ted Kennedy?
Chip Bodecker: Yes! Yes! Ted Kennedy! Ted Kennedy. Not a respected figure.
Rick Hurley: Alright, let’s try Recent Plane Crashes for $200.
Chip Bodecker: “Assad of Syria, our new friend, assisted terrorists responsilbe for this crash.” [ Judy buzzes in ] Judy.
Judy Rifkin: What is Pan Am Flight 103?
Chip Bodecker: Yes, yes. He financed the bombimg, and now he’s our ally against Iraq. Our new friend. Judy?
Judy Rifkin: Uh.. I guess I’ll take Potpourri for $300, huh?
Chip Bodecker: “A comedy killer in America, in Sweden the subject of a popular sitcom.” [ Lori buzzes in ] Lori?
Lori Turkin: Uh.. what is Abortion?
Chip Bodecker: Yes! Abortion! Lori.
Lori Turkin: Okay, Potpourri for $400.
Chip Bodecker: Lightning Round! Okay, Lori, you know how it works – I name the audience, you give me the comedy killer.
Lori Turkin: I’m ready!
Chip Bodecker: Okay. Chicago Bears Boosters Club.
Lori Turkin: Brian Piccolo!
Chip Bodecker: Pediatric Nursing Association?
Lori Turkin: Uh.. crack babies!
Chip Bodecker: Alright, you’re on a roll. Republican National Convention.
Lori Turkin: [ thinking desperately ] Oh oh oh oh oh oh – John Hinckley!
Chip Bodecker: Yes! Democratic National Convention.
Lori Turkin: [ thinking ] Um um um.. ohhhh.. uh, one of the Kennedys.[ wrong answer ]
Chip Bodecker: Oh, sorry! The answer is.. Michael Dukakis. Michael Dukakis. We also would have accepted Walter Mondale. [ music pots up ] Oh, that’s the end of Round 2, and now it’s time for Final Comedy Killer. Stand-ups, you have ten seconds. The Final Comedy Killer answer is: “This is the greatest comedy killer of all time.” [ Final Comedy Killer theme plays, as stand-ups come up with their answers ] Okay. Rick, you scatched out “Martin Luther King”, and put down “Birth Defects”. A better choice, but wrong. And you wagered? Oh, $100. Sorry, Rick, that leaves you with zip.
Rick Hurley: I just want to say that, to me, there’s nothing sadder than birth defects. And I’ll be appearing at hte Laughateria in Cleveland next week – two shows!
Chip Bodecker: Alright. Judy, you’re in second place, you said, “Space Shuttle Challenger”. Ooh.. real comedy killer. But that’s wrong. And you wagered $100.. so you have $300. [ moving on ] Okay. Lori, you’re in the lead. For the all-time comedy killer, you wrote, “The National Anthem”. No. I don’t blame you one bit, but remember, we’re looking for the greatest comedy killer of all time. Alright, the all-time comedy killer.. is the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand. Yes. It happened in 1914, it started World War I. Absolute comedy death for years and years. The mention of of it would quiet any crowd. And, Lori, you wagered $100. Leaving you $700! And you are our new champion! Yes! Alright! Well, that’s all for today, we’ll see you next time on “Comedy Killers”! And, remember, until then, anything could be unfunny. But it takes something really unfunny to be a comedy killer. Good night!