Representative…..Phil Hartman
Customer…..Roseanne Barr

Customer: It was raining pretty hard when I got into Cincinnati. It was a long flight, and I was in the taxi when I noticed I lost my credit card. It was pretty late, and I didn’t know what to do. That’s when the manager of the hotel suggested I call the MetroCard 24-hour help line. Because I wouldn’t be talking to a recording. I’d be in touch with a real person. [ smiles ] [ show MetroCard: “Real problems, real people” ]

Representative: Okay, so I’m sitting here at, like, 3:00 in the morning, I haven’t had a break in two hours! And the phone rings, and there’s some guy on the other end with this big hard-luck story, you know? And I’m listening, he goes on about Cincinnati, and the airport, and the rain and the taxi cab.. and he just won’t get to the point, you know? So I ask him, “What do you want me to do about it? Bust out crying?” Like I’ve got nothing better to do than listen to him bitch!

Customer: She got right to the point, and wanted to know what she could do about it. So I told her I’d need another card as soon as possible, since I’d be taking clients out the next day.

Representative: Now, this is the part that gets me! Okay, he’s telling me how he needs a new card when he gets up in the morning! You know, like he called the Credit Card Fairy, or something! Like I’ve got some magic wand, and all I’ve got to do is wave it around and fix everything for him! So I’m thinking about, so I ask him, “Hey, if I’ve got that kind of power over time and space, what the hell am I doing here talking to a loser like you at three in the morning!” Of course, he doesn’t have an answer for that!

Customer: I didn’t have the information she needed. So I deicded I’d call back.

Representative: So he hangs up! And I’m sitting there, and the phone rings, and I pick it up and say “Hello?” You know? And then there’s a pause, and then a dial tone. So, almost immediately, the phone rings again, and I pick it up and say, “Hell-o-o-o-o??” And so there’s this really long pause there this time, and this fake, really phone, English accent: “I lost my card at the airport.” You know? And I say, “I know who you are!” And then he gets really mad and tells me I’m supposed to help him! You know, like I’mhis Mom, or something. So I say, “Why don’t you call home and have somebody wire you the money? Or call your company and tell them the problem? Or, better yet, why don’t you take a personal check out of your checkbook, roll it up real tight, and then cram it!

Customer: She gave me several options. And, well, verything worked out okay.

Representative: Oh, you know, I get a lot of calls from people who want to raise their credit limit.. But, of coure, you know, the only people calling up at 3 a.m. are usually deadbeats, and there’s nothing you can do for ’em, you know? But once in a while you get that call from someone who really needs your help, and you tell ’em what to do, and they hang up and they leave you aone, and that’s when you feel real good!

[ show MetroCard: “Real problems, real people” ]

Announcer: MetroCard. Because real problems have real people.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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