[ open on exterior, Rocky mountain Celebrity Theatre ] [ dissolve to interior, Dana Carvey performing on stage ]
Dana Carvey: Thank you! Thank you, thank you, Colorado! Thank you very much, you’re too kind! You know, you’ve been a great audience, and I just want to say that tonight’s show was kind of.. special.. because it was.. the last time I will ever do the Church Lady. After tonight, she’s dead. [ audience awws ] No, that’s very kind.. no, it’s about time to put the little lady to bed. I just want you all to know that.. you were the last to see her. Good night, Colorado, I love you! Thank you very much, good night![ dissolve to Dana Carvey driving back after his performance, camera zooms out to reveal Jon Lovitz as his passenger ] [ Music Over: “Shotgun” ]
Jon Lovitz: Hey, Dana, are you really gonna retire the Church Lady?
Dana Carvey: Yeah.. yeah, I am.
Jon Lovitz: [ thinking ] Can I do it?[ suddenly, they both scream, as Dana lose control of the car and it flies over an embankment into the snow ] [ show figure retrieving Dana from the snow ] [ dissolve to close-up of Annie’s face, looking at Dana from above as he comes to ]
Annie: Mr. Carveyyy.. Mr. Carveyyy…[ SUPER: “Misery II” ]
Annie: Are you waking up?
Dana Carvey: ..Where am I..?
Annie: You had a terrible accident, but you’re going to be alright.
Dana Carvey: Who.. who are you?
Annie: I’m your #1 fan. I pulled oyu out of your car. I left Mr. Lovitz.. I thought it would be best. [ Dana squirms ] Oh, no.. don’t try to move, Mr. Carvey. your legs are banged up pretty darn bad.[ Annie pulls blanket back to reveal Dana’s scraggled legs twisted in all directions ]
Dana Carvey: [ screams in agony and pain ]
Annie: You’d better eat something, Dana. It’s okay if I call you “Dana”, isn’t it?
Dana Carvey: Uh.. sure.. you saved my life..
Annie: And! I’m your #1 fan. Gosh, I just can’t believe I have the Church Lady right here in my house! [ looks at Dana ] You’d better eat some soup, though. It’s yummy. You know what – and tell me if I’m out of line – I would just love to hear you say.. “Isn’t that special?”
Dana Carvey: You know, I-I-I’m not really feeling up to a performance..
Annie: Oh? Even for your #1 fan?! The person who’s feeding you soup?! The person who saved your life?!
Dana Carvey: Okay.. okay.. [ mimics Church Lady ] “Well.. isn’t that special..?”
Annie: Oh! Oh, I just love her! I just love her! I don’t know what I would do if anything ever happened to her, you know?! I swear to God, I think I would just go completely insane!!
Dana Carvey: [ worried ]
Annie: Do that other thing, you know? Do that other thing I like, where you go.. “Who could it be? Could it be..” uh.. you know, you know, you know how it goes.. it goes, “Could it be..”
Dana Carvey: “Could it be, oh, I don’t know..”
Annie: “Satan-atan-atan-atan!” Oh, I love that echo! [ Dana is silent ] Oh, I’m sorry, I did your part. Did I make you fel all ooky? I’m so sorry. I hate myself! I ruin everything.[ Annie exits room, slams the door in shame ] [ Dana looks at his mangled legs and cries in pain ] [ dissolve to cabin exterior, as scene shifts to later in the day ] [ Annie runs back into the room ]
Annie: Dana? Dana? Oh, I don’t mean to wake you, but.. I went into town, and look what I found! [ holds out items ] A wig and some glasses, just like the Church Lady wears!
Dana Carvey: Annie, are you, uh.. sure the phones aren’t working? You know, I-I-I really should call Lorne in New York, I have a show to do.
Annie: And I also got the review of your show! I’m going to go in the other room and read it, I just can’t wait to see what it says! [ snorts like pig, then exits room; re-enters seconds later with an angry scowl on her face ] How could you?! You killed her! Mr. Man!! [ smacks Dana’s leg with the rolled-up newspaper ] You killed the Church Lady!! You killed her, you murderer!! [ continues to smack Dana’s legs ] [ dissolve to Lorne Michaels’ office in New York ]
Lorne Michaels: Sheriff.. it’s Lorne Michaels calling from New York. One of my cast members is missing. Dana Carvey. We need him for the opening of the show. Yeah, he does this funny impersonation of President Bush. You know.. “It wouldn’t be prudent.. nah gah dah it!” [ laughs ] People love it![ dissolve back to Dana and Annie in the cabin ]
Dana Carvey: [ now forced to dress like the Church Lady ] “Well, isn’t that convenient?”
Annie: [ elated ] Oh, it’s just so great to have the Church Lady back alive again! I just love her so much! I just love her so much! Could you do that tingly-bulbous thing?
Dana Carvey: [ desperately does the tingly-bulbous Church Lady face ] [ dissolve back to Lorne Michaels’ office in New York ]
Lorne Michaels: Sheriff, Lorne Michaels again. I have an idea for the opening, I want to run it by you. Since we’ve given up on Dana, we have this new thing now, with this guy who says people’s names over and over. Like, he would call you “Sheriff.. the Sheriffster.. the Sheriff-rama.. as in, “he Sheriff-rama, on the phone with the Lorne-meister.” Oh, it’s the new thing, people just love it![ dissolve back to Dana and Annie in the cabin ]
Annie: Look what I found, Dana! Some orthopedic shoes – you know, just like the Church Lady wears!
Dana Carvey: No, no, Annie.. whatever you’re thinking of doing.. don’t do it! Please, don’t! [ Annie squeezes the shoes onto Dana’s mangled feet ] Aggghh!! Aggghhh!! Agghhhh!!
Annie: Ohh.. well, you’re feet are so swollen, and I just have to kind of.. push them a little bit..
Dana Carvey: Aggghh!! Aggghhh!! Agghhhh!!
Annie: Almost done..
Dana Carvey: Aggghh!! Aggghhh!! Agghhhh!! [ lunges for Annie, punches her on the back ] Die, bitch, die! Die! Isn’t this special, huh! Isn’t this convenient! Witch!! Agghh!![ Annie collapses across Dana’s lap, then rises back to life to attack some more ]
Dana Carvey: [ shoves Church Lady wig into Annie’s mouth ] Eat it! Eat it, Annie!! Do you like that!! Die!! Die!! Die!![ Annie collapses across Dana’s lap, then rises back to life to attack some more ]
Dana Carvey:[ off-camera gunshot downs Annie once and for all; snow-covered Jon Lovitz appears standing in the doorway of the bedroom ]
Dana Carvey: Jon! I.. I thought you were dead.
Jon Lovitz: [ raises arm ] Acting! [ shoots Dana dead, then picks up Church Lady glasses to put on his own face ] “Wellll.. isn’t that special?”[ SUPER: “The End” ] [ fade ]