Cyrano de Bergerac


Cyrano de Bergerac

Christian…..Alec Baldwin
Roxanne…..Jan Hooks
Cyrano de Bergerac…..Tim Meadows

[ SUPER: “Paris, France” ] [ cut to Christian reading poetry to Roxanne below her balcony, night ]

Christian: “ be held in your arms.. to touch your skin.. to feel the sweet breath that comes from within. That is all I need to live.” I wrote that for you, Roxanee. What do you think? [ no response ] Roxanne?

Roxanne: [ waking from her daydream ] Oh.. I’m sorry. Are you still there?

Christian: Yes. I was reading a poem I wrote for you. I could read another.

Roxanne: [ sighing ] If you must..

Christian: [ reading ] “I would sell my soul to Satan just to see your face..”

Roxanne: Yes, yes, yes. Christian, your efforts are noble, but your words.. do not move me.

Christian: I won’t quit. I must have you as my own. I will return tomorrow and try again.

Roxanne: [ disinterested ] Whatever.

[ Christian runs off into the night ] [ dissolve to Christian discussing his dilemma with Cyrano de Bergerac ]

Christian: Oh, Cyrano, my old friend.. tell me how to woo a woman’s heart.

Cyrano de Bergerac: [ close-up reveals his nose to be bigger than ever fabled ] Well, for me.. it has not been an easy task, having been cursed with the widest nose in all of France.

Christian: But isn’t it true what they say of men with big noses?

Cyrano de Bergerac: What is that?

Christian: Wll, you know.. Big nose.. uh..

Cyrano de Bergerac: No. That only works for long noses. Christian, to win the heart of a woman, it’s not what you say, but how you say it.

Christian: Please teach me! Help me win her heart! Come with me to this court tonight! You shall be my voice!

Cyrano de Bergerac: Agreed!

[ dissolve to Christian and Cyrano de Bergerac returning to Roxanne’s balcony ]

Christian: There she is. Quickly! Go there and speak for me. [ Cyrano hides ] Roxanne, it’s me. Christian. I’ve come again.

Roxanne: I.. I.. can’t see you. Come out into the moonlight.

Cyrano de Bergerac: [ lip-synching ] No, baby. Just like making love.. it’s better in the dark. Hit it! [ music starts to play ] “Oh, baby.. lookin’ at you on that balcony, arouses the man in me. you got what I want, and I got what you need. I’m the gardener of love, lett me plant the seed. Girl, you turn me on, baby, I’ll roll you over, massage your back, your thighs.. kiss you in places that’ll make you cross your eyes. Oh, baby, yea! I got it all, right on! I swaer, you got it all together. You feel good, don’tcha? Right on! Tonight’s the night, oh yea.. oh, yea, mmm, oh baby!

Roxanne: [ turned on ] Oh, Christian! You’ve never expressed your love so tenderly! Oh! I.. I.. feel faint.. I desire you!

Christian: [ panicking ] Oh, not yet, my love!

Roxanne: Yes! Now! I must have you tonight! [ runs to come downstairs to the courtyard ]

Christian: Cyrano, what shall we do?

Cyrano de Bergerac: Quickly, Christian! We must flee!

Christian: There isn’t time!

[ Roxanne appears in the courtyard, confused ]

Roxanne: What is this?

Christian: I cannot lie. This is my friend Cyrano. It was he that spoke the words that wooed you. It is not me that you desire.

Roxanne: Him? But his nose is so wide! And you.. your face is so handsome.

Christian: I’m sorry that I deceived you. I will go. [ steps away ]

Roxanne: [ pulls him back ] Oh, no, no, wait! I may have fallen in love with his voice.. but it’s your face that I love, also.

[ slow zoom up to the balcony ] [ dissolve to Christian and Roxanne making out in her bed, the sexy music playing in the background, Cyrano doing all the necessary talking while casually flipping through a magazine ]

Cyrano de Bergerac: [ lip-synching ] “Oh, baby.. it’s you I want. Oh, baby.. it’s you that I need. Oh, baby.. yeah. Oh, yeah, baby..”

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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