Lank Thompson’s “I’m A Handsome Actor”
Lank Thompson…..Mike Myers
Handsome Testimonial…..Conan O’Brien
[ Alec Baldwin walks out ]
Lank Thompson: Hi! My name is Lank Thompson. Perhaps you recognize me. I’ve done everything from soaps to Shakespeare. I can get any part I want. How do I do it? Simple. I’m a Handsome Actor! I haven’talways been a Handsome Actor.. [ laughs handsomely ] I used to be a plain actor. [ holds up plain-looking photo of himself ] Oh, don’t get me wrong.. I was talented.. but I wasn’t handsome. So I developed a technique to help myself and hundreds of other plain actors become Handsome Actors! Perhaps you’ve heard of Robert Wagner.. Patrick Duffy.. and, of ocurs,e David Hasselhoff. They’re all graduates of my course, “Lank Thompson: I’m A Handsome Actor!” And now, I’d like you to meet one of success stories.
Alec Baldwin: Hi. I’m Alec Baldwin.. and I’m a Handsome Actor! [ acts handsomely with Lank ]
Lank Thompson: Alec, would you care to demonstrate some of the techniques I’ve taught you?
Alec Baldwin: I’d love to, Lank. [ sits down behind desk ]
Lank Thompson: The first thing to remember, is to begin every scene with your back to the camera.
Alec Baldwin: [ sitting back to the camera, turns around suddenly ] “You can’t fool me, Jessica. I know where you’ve been.”
Lank Thompson: Always wear glasses, so you can snap them off for a handsome effect.
Alec Baldwin: [ now wearing glasses ] “My God!” [ snaps off glasses ] “A meteor that size could destroy the Earth!”
Lank Thompson: [ laughing handsomely ] In any scene where you have to sign documents, never look at what you’re signing!
Alec Baldwin: “Gentlemen, a hostile takeover’s a dirty business..” [ Secretary brings in some papers, which he signs without lifting an eye ] “Anyone who doesn’t have the stomach for it, should get out now!“
Lank Thompson: [ laughing handsomely ] When you’re making a phone call, never dial. Just pick up and start talking!
Alec Baldwin: [ picks up phone and starts talking ] “Senator? Meet me in an hour! There’s someone I think you should meet!”
Lank Thompson: Okay! Let’s incorporate all these techniques, into one scene!
Alec Baldwin: [ back to camera, turns around suddenly, with glasses on ] “You can’t fool me, Jessica.” [ snaps his glasses off ] “I already know there’s a meteor headed for the Earth!” [ Secretary brings in papers, which he signs without looking up ] “But while there’s still time, I think I’d like to see a hostile takeover. Anybody who doesn’t have the stomach for it, should get out now.” [ picks up phone ] “Senator? Send over your limo to pick up Jessica, please.”
Lank Thompson: [ makes handsome gestures with Alec ] Congratulations, Alec! You performed that.. handsomely! [ laughs handsomely ] You know.. all these techniques can be learned from one cassette. “Lank Thomnpson: I’m A Handsome Actor!” Here’show to order!
Announcer: To order “Lank Thompson: I’m A Handsome Actor”, call 1-800-555-LANK. Remember: don’t dial, just pick up the phone.
Lank Thompson: Alright, we’re back! now it’s time for questions.
Handsome Testimonial: Well, I’ve taken your course on Handsome Acting, and I think it’s wonderful! But how can you explain the success of French actor Gerard Depardeu.
Lank Thompson: [ stumped ] I’d love to answer your question, but.. um.. I’m afraid we’ve run out of time! Thanks for joining us, but.. hey! Get Handsome![ fade out, as Lank and Alec make more handsome gestures to one another ]