SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 02/23/91: The McLaughlin Group


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 16: Episode 14

90n: Alec Baldwin / Whitney Houston

The McLaughlin Group

John McLaughlin…..Dana Carvey
Pat Buchanan…..Phil Hartman
Jack Germond…..Chris Farley
Eleanor Clift…..Jan Hooks
Morton Kondracke…..Kevin Nealon

[Fade in. Theme music plays; superimposed title appears, then fades]

John McLaughlin: Issue number 1: high noon. Saddam says “No”, Bush says “Go”. How long will it last? Pat Buchanan!

Pat Buchanan: Well, George Bush is playing hardball here, and I think we could possibly see…

John McLaughlin: WRONG! Eleanor Clift.

Eleanor Clift: Well, if I were George Bush…

John McLaughlin: WRONG! Jack Germondo.

Jack Germond: Well, Bush is weighing his political clout against…

John McLaughlin: WRONG! Issue 2: Gorbachev endorses Bush. Politically-motivated Gorby: friend or foe? Morton Kondracke!

Morton Kondracke: Well, Gorbachev is playing a very interesting…

John McLaughlin: WRONG! Pat Buchanan!

Pat Buchanan: I think the Soviets are in very good postion t–

John McLaughlin: WRONG!! On a scale from 14-32, 14 being of absolute metaphysical certitude and 32 being fairly likely, what are the chances of Gorby breaking ranks? Jack Germond!

Jack Germond: Wait… 14 to 32?

John McLaughlin: WRONG! Mortone!

Morton Kondracke: Uh, 21?

John McLaughlin: WRONG! The correct answer is 19.24. You were close, Mortone. Next issue! The infinite universe: some pundits say no. If not, then what’s at the end? Jack Germond!

Jack Germond: Boy, that’s not my area…

John McLaughlin: Pat Buchanan!

Pat Buchanan: Uh, maybe another dimension…

John McLaughlin: Mortone!

Morton Kondracke: Well, there’s no real way to determine…

John McLaughlin: WRONG!! The universe is finite; at the very edge there’s a giant brick wall guarded by a mean dog. Issue number 3: Who was my favorite Beatle? Jack Germond!

Jack Germond: I dunno… uh, John?

John McLaughlin: Eleanor Clift!

Eleanor Clift: Maybe Paul?

John McLaughlin: Mortony-tone!

Morton Kondracke: I say Paul!

John McLaughlin: WRONG! They were all equally fab. [while pulling out inkblot on card] Issue number 4: this inkblot. What does it look like? Eleanorus!

Eleanor Clift: A-a butterfly?

John McLaughlin: WRONG! Mor-tiny-toons-on-tv!

Morton Kondracke: Well, I say it looks kind of like an airplane…

John McLaughlin: WRONG!! Jack Ger-mon-do!

Jack Germond: I dunno, 2 scud missiles?

John McLaughlin: WRONG! It’s my mother, stealing my penis! [puts down inkblot in front of him] Next issue! [takes a gold coin out from his right pocket] Which hand is the gold coin in?… [holds it between right thumb and index finger, showing it to the others, then thrusts out his fists in front of him with a sudden flourish] Pat Buchanan!

Pat Buchanan: Uhhh… the left hand?

John McLaughlin: Wrong! Ellie-may?

Eleanor Clift: I — I don’t know, left?

John McLaughlin: Mondo-Jacky-germ!

Jack Germond: I’ll say right!

John McLaughlin: WRONG!! [as he opens his empty fists and then removes the coin from his right ear] It’s not in either hand, it’s in my ear! And look, it has chocolate inside; that’s for you, Mortone! [hands the coin over to Kondracke]

Morton Kondracke: [accepting the coin] Thank you, John.

John McLaughlin: I’ve still got the floor!!! Issue number 6: am I regular? Mor-tony-tenille!

Morton Kondracke: Well… (clears throat twice) I don’t really know…

John McLaughlin: WRONG! At-Pay uchanan-Bay!

Pat Buchanan: You know, I’m not especially interested in…

John McLaughlin: WRONG!! It’s all you think about! …Jacky-germ-germ-germ-germy-mon-mon-mon-mony-dough-dough-dough-doughma-dinga-dong-ding, blue moooonnnnn. [singing the last two words]

Jack Germond: What was the question?

John McLaughlin: Am I regular?!

Jack Germond: No.

John McLaughlin: WRONG! [as he picks up a container of Metamucil from the floor and shows it to the audience] I am regular, thanks to Metamucil! Comple-[audience laughter interrupts] Completely natural, and proved by scientists! Metamucil: when you need it, it’s there. Available at TruValue and Walgreens everywhere. [as he puts down the container] Next issue! Issue 7: how do we start the show? Patty-cake!

Pat Buchanan: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night?”

John McLaughlin: El Clifto!

Eleanor Clift: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night?’

John McLaughlin: More-tons-of-fun!

Morton Kondracke: Well, I think it’s “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

John McLaughlin: WRONG!!! The correct answer is: “Show-show-show, here we go!”

[Applause as SNL theme music starts. Scene fades to opening credits sequence.]

Submitted by: jgs

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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