Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 16: Episode 14
The McLaughlin Group
John McLaughlin…..Dana Carvey
Pat Buchanan…..Phil Hartman
Jack Germond…..Chris Farley
Eleanor Clift…..Jan Hooks
Morton Kondracke…..Kevin Nealon
[Fade in. Theme music plays; superimposed title appears, then fades]
John McLaughlin: Issue number 1: high noon. Saddam says “No”, Bush says “Go”. How long will it last? Pat Buchanan!
Pat Buchanan: Well, George Bush is playing hardball here, and I think we could possibly see…
John McLaughlin: WRONG! Eleanor Clift.
Eleanor Clift: Well, if I were George Bush…
John McLaughlin: WRONG! Jack Germondo.
Jack Germond: Well, Bush is weighing his political clout against…
John McLaughlin: WRONG! Issue 2: Gorbachev endorses Bush. Politically-motivated Gorby: friend or foe? Morton Kondracke!
Morton Kondracke: Well, Gorbachev is playing a very interesting…
John McLaughlin: WRONG! Pat Buchanan!
Pat Buchanan: I think the Soviets are in very good postion t–
John McLaughlin: WRONG!! On a scale from 14-32, 14 being of absolute metaphysical certitude and 32 being fairly likely, what are the chances of Gorby breaking ranks? Jack Germond!
Jack Germond: Wait… 14 to 32?
John McLaughlin: WRONG! Mortone!
Morton Kondracke: Uh, 21?
John McLaughlin: WRONG! The correct answer is 19.24. You were close, Mortone. Next issue! The infinite universe: some pundits say no. If not, then what’s at the end? Jack Germond!
Jack Germond: Boy, that’s not my area…
John McLaughlin: Pat Buchanan!
Pat Buchanan: Uh, maybe another dimension…
John McLaughlin: Mortone!
Morton Kondracke: Well, there’s no real way to determine…
John McLaughlin: WRONG!! The universe is finite; at the very edge there’s a giant brick wall guarded by a mean dog. Issue number 3: Who was my favorite Beatle? Jack Germond!
Jack Germond: I dunno… uh, John?
John McLaughlin: Eleanor Clift!
Eleanor Clift: Maybe Paul?
John McLaughlin: Mortony-tone!
Morton Kondracke: I say Paul!
John McLaughlin: WRONG! They were all equally fab. [while pulling out inkblot on card] Issue number 4: this inkblot. What does it look like? Eleanorus!
Eleanor Clift: A-a butterfly?
John McLaughlin: WRONG! Mor-tiny-toons-on-tv!
Morton Kondracke: Well, I say it looks kind of like an airplane…
John McLaughlin: WRONG!! Jack Ger-mon-do!
Jack Germond: I dunno, 2 scud missiles?
John McLaughlin: WRONG! It’s my mother, stealing my penis! [puts down inkblot in front of him] Next issue! [takes a gold coin out from his right pocket] Which hand is the gold coin in?… [holds it between right thumb and index finger, showing it to the others, then thrusts out his fists in front of him with a sudden flourish] Pat Buchanan!
Pat Buchanan: Uhhh… the left hand?
John McLaughlin: Wrong! Ellie-may?
Eleanor Clift: I — I don’t know, left?
John McLaughlin: Mondo-Jacky-germ!
Jack Germond: I’ll say right!
John McLaughlin: WRONG!! [as he opens his empty fists and then removes the coin from his right ear] It’s not in either hand, it’s in my ear! And look, it has chocolate inside; that’s for you, Mortone! [hands the coin over to Kondracke]
Morton Kondracke: [accepting the coin] Thank you, John.
John McLaughlin: I’ve still got the floor!!! Issue number 6: am I regular? Mor-tony-tenille!
Morton Kondracke: Well… (clears throat twice) I don’t really know…
John McLaughlin: WRONG! At-Pay uchanan-Bay!
Pat Buchanan: You know, I’m not especially interested in…
John McLaughlin: WRONG!! It’s all you think about! …Jacky-germ-germ-germ-germy-mon-mon-mon-mony-dough-dough-dough-doughma-dinga-dong-ding, blue moooonnnnn. [singing the last two words]
Jack Germond: What was the question?
John McLaughlin: Am I regular?!
Jack Germond: No.
John McLaughlin: WRONG! [as he picks up a container of Metamucil from the floor and shows it to the audience] I am regular, thanks to Metamucil! Comple-[audience laughter interrupts] Completely natural, and proved by scientists! Metamucil: when you need it, it’s there. Available at TruValue and Walgreens everywhere. [as he puts down the container] Next issue! Issue 7: how do we start the show? Patty-cake!
Pat Buchanan: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night?”
John McLaughlin: El Clifto!
Eleanor Clift: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night?’
John McLaughlin: More-tons-of-fun!
Morton Kondracke: Well, I think it’s “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”
John McLaughlin: WRONG!!! The correct answer is: “Show-show-show, here we go!”[Applause as SNL theme music starts. Scene fades to opening credits sequence.]
Submitted by: jgs