Alec Baldwin’s Monologue


Alec Baldwin’s Monologue

…..Alec Baldwin
…..Victoria Jackson
…..Whitney Houston
…..Jon Lovitz
…..Arthur Kent
Audience Member…..Conan O’Brien

Alec Baldwin: This is the second time that I’ve been asked to host “Saturday Night Live”, and it’s quite an honor! The last time I was here, I guess the feeling was that things went pretty well. In fact, the show was nominated for an Emmy. So, I suppose I must have done something right!

Alec Baldwin’s Inner Thoughts: Oh, no.. Maybe I shouldn’t have brought up the Emmy.. I don’t want to come off as sounding cocky..

Alec Baldwin: Although, I’ve gotta say, anyone would look good working with this cast. They even did a great show with Dennis Hopper!

Alec Baldwin’s Inner Thoughts: Hmm.. maybe putting down Dennis Hopper wasn’t such a good idea, either.. It makes me sound even more cocky..

Alec Baldwin: By the way, I hope that didn’t sound like a putdown! I’m not saying that I’m that great of an actor, either! The last show was probably a fluke!

Alec Baldwin’s Inner Thoughts: I’m not sure that helped.. Maybe I’m just digging a hole I’ll never get out of..

[ cut to Victoria Jackson watching on a monitor backstage ]

Victoria Jackson’s Inner Thoughts: Uh-oh.. I wonder what’s wrong with Alec.. He was so confident last year.. but now, he seems racked with doubt..

Alec Baldwin’s Inner Thoughts: This is already not as good as last year.. I wonder if I can recover..

[ cut to Boom Operator ]

Boom Operator’s Inner Thoughts: I wonder if this is my fault.. He was so good last year.. Maybe I’m not very good at my job.. Maybe the Union should hire only the most qualified boom operators, not just relatives..

Alec Baldwin’s Inner Thoughts: I was in such a rush today, I.. I wonder.. did I leave the iron on?

Whitney Houston’s Inner Thoughts: I wonder if this was the wrong week to do the show.. Maybe I should have waited ’til March 16th, for Michael J. Fox.. He seems so confident..

Jon Lovitz’s Inner Thoughts: Maybe it was a mistake to leave the show.. I mean, look at me.. six months later, I’m still hanging around.. Man, I need to get a life..

Alec Baldwin’s Inner Thoughts: I think I forgot to turn on my phone machine.. of course, after this show, maybe that’s for the best..

Arthur Kent’s Inner Thoughts: I wonder if I’m really as handsome as Alec Baldwin..

Alec Baldwin’s Inner Thoughts: I wonder if Dennis Hopper has a TV..

Audience Member’s Inner Thoughts: I wonder if I’m facing the right way..

Alec Baldwin’s Inner Thoughts: I wonder if they can tell I’m having a moment of doubt.. And is tonight’s show really any good..

Alec Baldwin: [ snaps out of it ] Anyway.. we’ve got a great show tonight. Whitney Houston is here! And, on a more serious note, all our thoughts are halfway around the world right now, with our troops in the Persian Gulf. But we’re here, so stick around, and we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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