Confession Can Be Exciting For The Soul


Confession Can Be Exciting For The Soul

Connfessor…..Julia Sweeney
Priest…..Alec Baldwin

[ open on interior, Catholic church during confession services ]

Confessor: Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been one month since..

Priest: Uh.. excuse me.. I hate to interrupt.

Confessor: Oh, I’m sorry. Have I done something wrong?

Priest: Well, the church has asked that we conduct confessions differently now – they’re called reconciliations. The Vatican feels it’s a more personal experience to pull back the screen, so that we can look at each other face-to-face. The option is yours.

Confessor: Well.. okay, if that’s what the Vatican wants..

Priest: Okay. Fair enough. [ pulls back the screen, revealed to be quite handsome for a priest. The confessor is rather taken by his charming good looks. ] Don’t be frightened. This is new for a lot of parishioners. Go ahead and reconcile your sins.

Confessor: So.. you’re the new priest?

Priest: Yes. I’m Father Rod. Rod Forrestor.

Confessor: Um.. I-I’m sorry.. but I just didn’t realzie that you were so.. so..

Priest: Young? [ chuckles ] Some people are afraid that I don’t have enough experience, but, believe me, I do.

Confessor: Oh. Oh, I’m sure you do! [ laughs ] How long have you been a priest?

Priest: Six years.

Confessor: Do you like it?

Priest: Yes. But this time is for you.

Confessor: Oh. Okay.

Priest: Please. Confess.

Confessor: Okay, um.. does my breath smell bad? I had garlic chicken for lunch!

Priest: The breath of any confesor is sweet to the Lord. No, your breath is fine!

Confessor: [ laughs ] Oh, good! Okay. Okay.. what are my sins? I had a bunch when I came in, but now they seem so boring! [ laughs ]

Priest: The Lord finds everything you say fascinating!

Confessor: Oh! Good! Alrighty.. alrighty..

Priest: You seem uncomfortable. Please, relax. We can turn the lights off, if you wish. Or we can do it with the lights on. We can do it out in the pews, if you’d like..

Confessor: Oh, no, here would be just fine!

Priest: Good. Please continue.

Confessor: Okay. So, I, I, I lied to my mnther. She asked if she could come over for dinner, so I said I was busy, but I wasn’t.

Priest: That doesn’t sound so bad. Why don’t you just call her up and say, “Mom, I love you.”

Confessor: I love you. Okay! Let’s see.. what else? Oh, uh.. uh.. I went to the grocery store, and the clerk missed an item and I didn’t draw it to her attention, so I guess that’s a sin of omission.

Priest: Was it a very expensive item?

Confessor: Oh, no. It was just some Pamprin. Well, um.. every month I, I, I gain some water weight.. You see, each month, an adult woman..

Priest: I understand how a woman’s body works.

Confessor: Oh! [ giggles ] I’m sure you do! Um.. okay, of course you would..

Priest: Okay. Let us end now, and while you say your Act of Contrition, please try to remember that the power of forgiveness is strong. Let it enter you.

Confessor: Okay. [ giggles and sniffs Priest’s hair as he silently prays for her forgiveness ] Oh, I forgot one! I’ve had impure thoughts! Very recently! [ laughs ]

Priest: That’s alright. God forgives you.

Confessor: Oh, okay. Oh, I thought of another one! Um.. I ate an entire box of cookies this week. On Tuesday. Oreos. I love them! [ laughs ]

Priest: Well, that’s not really a sin.

Confessor: But I’m on a very strict diet!

Priest: But it still isn’t a sin.

Confessor: Ohh.. But it was still losing control, and that’s not good. I just love Oreos. Do you like Oreos?

Priest: Well, I don’t mind confessing to you that I have a bit of a sweet tooth myself. I love Oreos!

Confessor: Oh! I’ll tell you a secret – I like to dunk them in milk!

Priest: [ laughs ] Well.. this is a little embarrassing, but.. I still like to spread the cookie open and lick the creamy center.

Confessor: [ melting ] I just want to tell you that I am having a really great time! Reconciliation is great! Can we do this again sometime?

Priest: [ laughs ] Reconciliation should be a weekly part of a Catholic’s life. I’m here every Tusesday and Thursday evening.

Confessor: Oh! Tuesday sounds great!

Priest: I’ll start the prayer of absolution now.

Confessor: Alright.

[ she watches in admiration as he prays for her sins ] [ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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